Wednesday, December 30, 2009

hundreds of pairs of eyes all holding the same thoughts.
Originated ages ago, twisted and turned, chewed up and spit out into all these different shapes, yours are not yours alone.
I wonder if I'll always be caught in this wind, ripped to both sides of this war between logic and heart.
Why can't I just use both?
"Easier said than done."

Thursday, December 24, 2009

where will

you be when your looks run dry and that pretty face isn't as it was?

Monday, December 21, 2009

I'm half a person. But the half I am is mighty strong. The half I am can still hold up a world of troubles, yours too.
I will create the other half in time, so soon I shall feel whole within the comfort of my own skin. I come off confused and cloudy sometimes, but it doesn't change the fact that my heart is pure, my mind is wise. I know I deserve more than what's been given to me lately. I know that I deserve as much as I give.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

not as though eyes will meet this.

I reach out so much. My arms are so heavy with the burden of carrying all this love. This love for the world and the people in it, this ability to care more than most.
Not once did I ever question the way I felt about things, I never thought that wanting to give someone everything would drive most away.
It's like I've spent my entirety searching for a hand to hold, for some slight bit of compassion. And I get a quaint facade of it, led on by all means until the floors pulled our from under me and I land right on my heart.
It's all my fault, for thinking into things so much. And maybe these words scare people, but at least I can say I'm honest. I am not afraid to spill these words out because I'd rather it this way then participating in "the game."
At least I'm a little closer than most.
I know I deserve more.
I've been told since day one that I deserve the world, that I'm a rare kind of girl and I trust in these words.

I'll carry a specific person's message with me always in the back of my mind; "a girl with looks like yours and mind to match, is so rare. Any man will be lucky to have you, it would be an honor if anything."

I'll miss you, and every single time I start to sink in self doubt, I will think of you.

R.I.P. John <3

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Fuck Time.

I don't like the last few days. I like parts, the parts I set up to be hopeful outlets, but deep down I know I'm being stupid. I know that it's stupid to ever think people would change, or that their intentions are in fact not what they so convincingly claim to be true. People don't change. Second chances aren't real, and I'm feeling more empty then where I left off. When will I learn, when will I think with wits rather than heart. Though I love that part most about me, it's going to be my downfall. My heart will ruin me.
I know I'll be OK, I just have to pay attention and listen up. I can never let my guard down.

Time is supposed to heal but it just helps me remember what I wish I didn't.

Monday, November 23, 2009

I need to keep my mouth shut.
It's incredibly stupid to tell people what I am feeling.
It's a mistake to talk to people when I think about them, or let them in on a piece of my thoughts. I never say anything negative, those are locked up inside of me.

shit, I must come off crazy with all these emotions.
LAME.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

?

why do human beings hurt each other.


Just finished reading "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close,"
I recommend it to everyone.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

bored.

My hands are cold but I've got the warmest heart, out of my mouth spills cliche' ideas and humble words. I can not change this, I can not change myself I can't look down when I"m always looking up. I am a hopeful, I am a romantic, and I strive to defy cynicism. I am searching for a path off of this misanthropist one. I want to find the good in you again, I want to bury myself inside of your heart and keep you warm on these cold nights, and make your smile stretch from horizon to horizon.




I hate writing research papers on love, especially when I'm so far from the one I crave. Damn you Plato and Diotima, you can take your Eros elsewhere.

Monday, November 16, 2009

You're a hypocrite.
You think too highly of yourself, and you create these weird situations in your head before you actually know whats going on.

I hate being rude and I hate being disrespectful, especially to someone I barely know, but


grow up.
Don't get ahead of yourself.

A friend was all I was searching for, nothing more.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

you sir,

who are you?
I probably deserved it,





but not from you.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

eros

Big white bed, a blanket filled with the softness of feathers.
Pillows like castle walls around your body, holding your curves softly.
Your arms reach up towards the shadow of the blinds on your wall. The sun greets you with warmth on your face, fooling you to the bitterness on the outside. You're spine stretches and your tummy is tormented with a subtle ticklish feeling, coupled with that ever so sweet release of sleep.
Dragging hands slowly wipe away the dreams from your skin.

Huge windows around your bed, letting in the worlds beauty to start your morning.
It's not too bad to wake alone, because I suppose you're not truly alone. Love and hope sleep beside you every night, kissing you before you sleep. You wake to a new beginning every single day. You've made friends with the stars and the moon, the sun and it's rays. You're connected to something much greater than your mind allows you to recognize.

I can't wait for the day where I step outside bundled up in my coat, a scarf wrapped tightly around me, fighting the cold. The click of my heels as I walk under city lights and the flurries of snow. Blood creeps up to my face, my cheeks are red and my eyes are burning bright. I'll walk to some quaint cafe and indulge in some christmas flavored coffee, reminiscing the past and all the things I've done with every person I've ever loved. I'll kiss the sky under mistletoe, take my steps out and admire the beauty in every passing face. Every body is precious and the lives behind their eyes will make me feel a little more whole.

redundant?

I wonder why money is so important.
I know I've touched on this subject before, but it's kind of a big deal. I mean greed is the only thing that's survived through history. It's been alive since the beginning of man, it's just sad. It's caused humans to enslave each other, torture each other in gruesome ways. Greed holds down every person with the weight of debt, of want, materialistic cravings. It's all so old. The greed of banks, haha for example, has cast a shadow over me just for my want to further my education. I've got interest being charged and my hours are cut. I lost my debit card so I have to wait for a new one to start paying off my 3000 dollar semester, which yes, isn't a lot, but when you've got other bills and groceries and now Christmas coming up it's a little ridiculous. But the more I wait the more I'm charged. It's total injustice, we're not free. We'll never be free from anything.

I want more coffeeeeee

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

the etch a sketch in my brain has been shaken and wiped clean.

The shield of anxiety has finally collapsed beneath the weight of all this new found hope.
Such an inhuman waste of time to have felt such regret for so long.
It's better now.
I can finally focus and these thoughts that kept me up at night are set loose. They can collect dirt and dust with the rest of this corrupted ground. The plague that had control over my brain is cured. I don't need to hope for better days because I know that they will happen.


Time to focus on my GPA and getting the fuck out of here.
I'll find warmth under street lights else where, this city is too small for my dreams.

Monday, November 2, 2009

k crazy.

My romance driven self repels a lot of nice things. It's really quite stupid, I find something I like and then conjure up stupid dreams about it. I get dreamy eyed and amorous. I charm my logicality until it stops fighting me and becomes swept away into all this nonsense. I realized as I was typing this that fairytale love stories don't exist. And even if they did, life would never allow "...And they lived happily ever after." There's far too many malicious viruses and cruel diseases that people inflict on one another. It's so hard for me to accept that there are people who exist, who are so stone hearted that they bring down anyone who shows even a glimpse of happiness. I think that's why I get so worked up, because I am totally and utterly naive to the idea that this is reality. I was also stupid to think that this innocent childlike side of me could ever help spawn adult relationships. I bet I come off to people as love hungry, mixed up and too much.


I'm just passion starved. I'm just full of a heavy heart and I carry a secret regret that is hard for everyone to understand. I am mixed up in my memories, I sometimes find myself thinking about what I could have done to change it. And I KNOW it's stupid and a waste of time, but I'm still trying to figure out how put it behind me. You won't understand until you've walked through my shoes. Ever since my dad left me I've been alone, and I think I've done a fucking fantastic job raising myself. I'm much too mature I think, I never had a chance to imagine as a kid. So I make up for it with wishful hopeless romantic dreams. I just want to feel complete I guess. And I am going to start filling the void with love for myself, and I won't keep looking to other people to help me. I think I should start reading more books, and going more places, exploring more land, cover more ground. Maybe it could help set me free from this prison of thoughts.

eff this overthinking shit. It get's too old, and I think I'm the only person who thinks into things THIS much.

Word life.

Take down the layers of earth stone by stone, pebble by pebble. Down to the scolding core. I'm dissatisfied with what I've seen, unimpressed by the way others their lives with little to no meaning. When I reach the center of this chaotic mess, I will start forming my own ground, my own earth. I'll take the pieces of whats left in my heart and stick them into the remains, breathe ice atop it, securing my endless passion inside. Create my own moral foundation, I'll build up my new world, alone. Making it stronger than it could have ever been without the help of another's hand. My back will ache with the weight of all I've carried to this place in time. I'll persevere through it though, I won't give up until I'm back to the top, back to where it all started, but this time it will be something I can call my own. Can I figure this all out as quickly as I'd hoped? Will I always roam with the intention of finding a place to call home?
Well at least this first step is done; that I can realize that this is all on me. Home won't be the arms of a man, I won't lay my head upon his chest and hear the worlds very breath. Instead, I will put it all together stone by stone, pebble by pebble, until I can become the person I aspire to be, at peace with the home and life I've created on my own.
Craving my independence, I want it to grow just a little bigger.




I really wanted to write something right now, and that's the best I can do at the moment. The words aren't fitting together as well as I wanted to but it's whatever. I'm excited to actually do well in classes and get my own apartment somewhere outside of New York, hopefully MA. I can't wait to wake up to my own cup of coffee, made right there in my own little Massachusetts apartment.

:)

Saturday, October 31, 2009

shit.

Trapped Under Ice keeps me company when I am disappointed in every soul on this planet.

What the fuck happened to you guys.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I want to drown you

in kisses. I want you to feel like the whole world is at your fingertips while you rest in my arms. I want our heartbeats to sync and our breathing to slow. You brush against my surface and I shiver at the slightest shift of the bed we share. I want to hold your face in my hands and melt away every insecurity you could ever conjure up in that messed up head of yours. I'll be your beams of support as you finally find your ground. When I'm away I hope I linger in your heart, I hope your lips remember mine. I will never control you or take you away from what you truly want, but I will take your hand and face it with you when you need it. I don't need you, and you don't need me. I don't lust after you and you don't lust after me. This is a want for love and a love for wants.





you better fill this position.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

suffocate.


I will stick to this until my immunity is back and running. I'll suffocate these constant questions with a good book and a soothing cup of tea.
I'll be content with Have Heart screaming in my ears while I float away in hundreds of words, forgetting the last few weeks. Forgetting the last few wishful thoughts and hopes.

Goodnight, sweet dreams.
Time to rest my brain for a week of make up work.
ssssdfklj;jfkla;sjfl;sa
Words with empty meanings are caving in around me. My conscious can lie to me with the same ease as anyone else. I keep telling myself that this is what I want, that you're everything I want. But a stone weighs down my ribs, pulling me deeper into the ground. My roots are fighting through the toughest earth, never letting me free. I'm stuck here, I can't get out of this. I can't get out of this feeling that's taking over every part of me. Should I defy myself, and cut through the roots planting me here in this god forsaken place, or should I just let it be.
I'll take the chance.
I'll saw through anything that tries to trap me, that tries to bring me down with the rest of them.
I'll fight this all, I've been on my own since day one. Just because I let myself get caught up in wishful thinking doesn't mean I can't go back.
Become the person I aspire to be.
Become the person I aspire to be.
Become the person I aspire to be.

Never needing anyone, always finding the beauty in fucking everything my eyes can reach. Finding my own way, creating the new path once I get there. Weeding out all these stupid insecurities and all these stupid second guesses. It's not even like my insecurities are about my looks, or my personality or whatever stupid body related topic. I'm just anxious as to how my future is going to be. Who I'll be, where I'll be, who I'll be with. It's all exciting and shit, but I just wish I could see if i end up happy.
I guess I'm glad no one reads this. It means I can say anything and vent, get all this stuff out of my head, without worrying if my grammar is good or not.
UGH.


I got sent home early today from work, which I assumed would never happen, but it did. I was so relieved, but now I'm kind of wishing I stuck it out and distracted myself from these 20943029 other thoughts. Whatever, I'm glad that it means I can't give whatever this is to anyone else. I'd hate myself if I gave it to another person, I hate this sickness.
My ear hurts so bad. I couldn't even do the normal Friday sleepover's because it was so unbearable. I'm coughing up my life every god damn second. I haven't been this sick since I was like, 7. Maybe I should just go to Urgent Care.

...But I really don't want to get up and stop listening to Rebuild. I miss Verse so much.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Thursday, October 22, 2009

sick.

100.2 temperature.
ouch

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I get caught up in the shuffle of excitement. Thoughts rush my brain and it all collides into one giant cloud. I'm craving something, an idea of something. I know what it is but I'm too shy to say. My tongue is trapped between my teeth, I refuse to speak of it. Though I'm sure you can read it in my face. I desire my own pavement to cross. One I build block by block in my own time, with my own happiness and satisfaction. Every mile is cause for celebration, because I've made it this far alone. I don't feel attached to a soul except my own. I follow my hearts desire, and I take it all in with my eyes. I'll tell you a story with the shadows of brown dancing underneath these lashes. You can take me as you wish, what you want to believe is what you'll see as the truth. Make your move, because I'm taking the first steps of mine. Chase me.







It'll be worth every dream you've ever sculpted.
I will make my own way. I'll build my world from the ground up with no one's help. This is my fight and I'll get everything I've ever wanted, fuck this waiting game.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

good luck.

All we do is live in fear. You can say you don't but you do.
The reason we build our confidence so tall is fear of judgments.
The reason we have guards is fear of being hurt.
The reason we succeed is because of our fear to lose.
The reason we point out flaws in people is because we fear they'll see ours.
The reason we have hope is backed by fear that things might not get better.
The reason we build any sort of connection with a person is because we fear being alone.
I don't want to be afraid anymore.
I don't want anyone to be afraid.
Breathe in so deeply, take in all this and let it filter through your lungs, some flowing into your heart. And with it you'll drive out the exhale combing through your mind taking out all the insecurities and fears with it. Everything is okay, just learn to love again.
Let go, put down your fists and fight with trust. Trust that everything that's meant to be will be, and no matter what kind of ache the world inflicts, you'll still be taking a lesson out of it. Tears and smiles are naturally part of life, accept it and you can fly free.

quick rant.

I need to get this out of my fucking system.

I love being straight edge. I love my life, I love the label, I love everything about it. It's almost guaranteed trust and it's fucking perfect.
Everyone keeps telling me I won't last, or that it's wrong of me to want to be labeled, why do you care so much? (Casey Jones would be a perfect theme for this). If I'm happy why the fuck does anyone care. Shouldn't you respect me if I respect you. I don't talk down about the way you live your life, I don't tell you how to live or what you should do, or believe in. Do the same for me for God sakes. Even if you don't agree, keep it to yourself. Life is hard enough as it is, don't add to it.

And whatever happend to the golden rule we all learned in Kindergarden? "Treat others the way you'd like to be treated," no one does this anymore. I treat everyone kindly and get stepped on in return. I guess I'm a pushover because the only thing I do is bl0o0ogg about it, I don't like yelling at people or saying anything to them because I don't want them to hurt. I put people on pedestals so much, when is it my turn? I only have myself, I should've remembered that. I always hope, and it messes with my judgment terribly. ugh.


I actually feel better.
It's a bad idea to repress all this anger and pain and stress. So writing it down makes it so much easier. My best friend lives in cobleskill and she's the only one I can talk to about anything.

"Ambitions fail, complications hail all when
my insecurities all fucking prevail.
do i turn to a drink or into what i really wanna be?
is a substance gonna be the crutch thats gonna
set me fucking free?
the pressure rises and i feel the strain
the doubt begins and confusions reign
directionless where do i turn
don't fail me now the one thing that i've learned...
i've learned the strength to fucking push it aside
we know, we know i got the strength inside
you know i got it and i know it so i'll show it
to live, with pain...the choice is in my hands
thats just an anchor that'll drown you man
we know, we know you got the strength inside
to defeat the problems of our lives
without, the "crutch" ...cause we all know
life is hard enough as it is. "
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.


Don't flatter yourself, you're just as bad as them.

Monday, October 12, 2009

oh distractions.

I should be doing my paper.
Not this.
bahaha dork.

IN LOVE

frozen.

My mind swirls with thoughts like an unforgivable storm. I am an over thinker, an over dreamer. I question everything that's placed in front of me, as well as every person. I sincerely don't mean too, it's just safer for me this way. It's far easier for me to wonder than to just automatically invite people in through the steel doors surrounding my heart. We've all gotten burned, we've all gotten scared from past relationships. Friends, lovers, what have you. We always move on after the healing period, but there is, for some, that nagging voice in the back of our minds that investigates absolutely intention. I am so much better than I was three years ago, and I hate myself for letting it intrude the most important parts of my life. I'm so disappointed that I let it seep through. I didn't mean to hurt anyone with it, or annoy a person in any way shape or form. It's my only flaw, and I feel like that being said the ones who matter would or should accept me for all I am. Because I do that for everyone else, no matter what imperfections they have I always adore them. Whatever though, I'm taking the advice of all my friends. Just let go.
It's easier said than done, but I've gone through harder shit than this, I should be able to ward off all these god damn thoughts.

Apart from that, I am freezing. My hands are like ice climbing across this keyboard. I had a really good day today with Amanda, I wish she didn't have to go back to Cobleskill tomorrow. She always makes me feel better and talks me out of all this stupid shit I think about. I gotta learn to do it on my own. I think distractions are in order, anything from friends, to tea, to a book. I'll figure this shit out.
I want to speak french again. I want to go to Ireland and see the lands and the people. I want to feel all the chaos that was living there until recently, or just see what it's after effects are like. It's so interesting, and it's so beautiful. I think I just want to travel the world and see all these places before I die. What's more cooler than a world road trip? NOTHING. It'd be so sweet to just go anywhere without worrying and take in all the culture and history. I'm so excited to start my life.

MOTIVATION FOR NOT SKIPPING CLASS: a Subaru WRX sportswagon, for when I'm all done and graduated and have a kick ass job as a College Professor.
WHATTTTUPPP FUTURE.

Bourne series cheers me up.

I don't want to be afraid anymore.
I constantly talk in circles on this thing.
Maybe it's just easier for me to calm the thoughts in my head. A way of coping with all this bullshit my mind creates. I over think, I'm too much of a dreamer, and I'm a hopeless romantic.
god. damn.

Why the fuck did the world have to put me through all this bullshit.
Yeah sure I've got a heart of gold, and yeah I'm always optmistic and keeping hope, but couldn't that be enough? Why did I need to have this overthinking agitating my brain constantly.
UGH.
so frustrating.

whatever, I need to just go with the flow.
Just relax.
Just relax.
Just relax.
let go, and breathe.

Monday, October 5, 2009

SO HAPPY.

I feel so enlightened. I NEED TO MAKE THIS LAST.

:)

Monday, September 28, 2009

ah, c'est vie.

Voici mon secret. Il est très simple: on ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.

whatever.

You're just as blind as they were.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Oh I get by

with a little help from my friends.

I have been dancing between insecure and depressed for weeks now, I haven't really opened up to it until tonight. I understand that I am promised to heartache, but it's nothing I haven't felt before. I just need, I must, I want to let go.

Let go of this plagued history.
Let go of this pain.
Let go of these idiotic insecurities.
I am beautiful,
I am intelligent,
I am huge hearted and willing to do anything to make someone crack a smile.
That is enough, that is more than enough.
So long as I keep hope and this heart of mine, I think I should be fine.
I've just got to keep reminding myself that I am the above.
I am a bitchin' person, period.

If you miss out, or you let me go, it's your fucking loss, and it's your fucking regret.

what the fuck is up new world?

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Hippy tendencies,

The power of thought could cure humanity.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

FTW or fuck the cycle?

I am guarded because of being hurt. An obvious and sympathetic statement among most I'm sure. I started out innocent, in love with love, and so naive to the world's ugly side. It unmasked its shame through the years, carving away the beauty and purity I always thought it had. I've been left broken and teary eyed several times, and all because of my ability to have heart. I can't explain what I want too right now, I'm at a loss for words. I used to walk with hate, rage flowing through every part of my body, straight through my heart and out through my lungs. I created a barrier with it, building a steel wall before me. I was untouchable in the worst way, I was cold, confused, hurt and filled with a soft sorrow. A disappointment, really. I'm just now trying to find the gold again. Retrace the past back to my innocent roots. Back to loving love, and not being afraid anymore. It's so hard, it's so unbelievably hard.
but all those kids who preach hate, stop. You're adding to the problem. You clearly don't understand the power of your words, of your thoughts. It spreads like venom, seeping into all of humanity. We're losing this war between good and bad I think, we're letting our hate get the best of us. Sounding completely hypocritical I'm sure; but we need to let go. Stop being afraid. Stop being so guarded. "Break the cycle, of breaking people." I don't want to hurt anymore.
I'm going to take these steal boxes down one by one, slowly but surely I can be free again.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

"I never felt the ache of being alone, never sensed an empty space inside myself. Never felt the urge to fill a void with the presence of someone else. But you uncovered a feeling inside of me, unfamiliar and unique. Created a vacancy within where one never used to be. Dear absentee, dear missing piece, I've missed you since the day we met. Dear truant friend, dear tune stuck in my head that i cant forget....a lost memory, an errant wish, you were a missing limb; every morning i had to wake up and realize you were gone all over again. An unfinished sentence, an interrupted thought, a name on the tip of my tongue. An unsent letter, an unopened book, a lyrics left unsung. Dear absentee, dear missing piece, I've missed you since the day we met. Dear truant friend, dear tune stuck in my head. Dear you....I've got these feelings inside, somehow i always knew you'd understand. they've been laying dormant for a lifetime. I'm waking up for the first time."
:)



I got this.

jfdkaljdfs;a!

I want to control these thoughts, these insecurities that paw at my brain. Every night I lay awake, short of breath, wide-eyed and restless. I count the beats between each thought. I'm so fucking nervous, and so fucking excited. ahhhhhhh!

Sunday, August 30, 2009

It has been much too long.

I'm feeling more and more optimistic about my life. Still as guarded as ever, I'm trying to take the walls down slowly, piece by piece, day by day. I'm so terrified.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

There is a bitter breed
Oh sweetheart
They will be watching you sometimes
With their bitter hearts

But we went through with these
Oh we're shifting the heartache
We want strong summer love that must roam washed up blood
Just to stay away

Complex salacious removal
Complex salacious removal

Complex salacious removal

I have been awake since 6:54 am yesterday.

I am sitting in Kristen's room with Jesus, listening in on their criticism about how retarded the people are in the movie Scream.

I feel so hopeful, so full of excitement, though I haven't slept normally in days.
My body is warm, and eyes are heavy, I'm surrounded by good people every day. The ice that was starting to fill my blood has just dispersed into a thousand unrecognizable particles. Changing and rearranging into something better.
My life is moving forward, I'm so so so excited.
I'm also so so so exhausted.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

smile plastered on my face

every time i listen to this.

fuck yeah my life rules.
I got a job.
and rediscovered my roots.
SWEETNESS.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

nyc prep

"New York City kids grow up faster than normal kids."

HAH.
I l-0-l-ed at that.


You have money, and you live in a huge bustling city. So does that make you more mature?
No.
I'd be surprised if you weren't corrupt, greedy, or arrogant.
OH WAIT.
It's funny when the worst thing to happen to these girls is that their friends have the same marc jacobs bag as them.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

lion heart.

I am the caged animal. Living in routine. Wake to eat, eat to sleep, an endless cycle. I am oblivious to the walls I am trapped behind. Given a peice of tapestry forged as my "home," I fall into keepers kind tones, I do not fear anything. Everything is thrown to me, there is no hunt, there is no chase. I do not understand that I have been tamed. I've forgotten that my spirit has been broken. I've forgotten my true nature. The ferocious fire that once burned a hole in the skin of those that dared line their sights with mine, has died down. The smoke has cleared and there is nothing but an empty allusion of what should be. I remember the epiphany, Gazing up from the green island of grass that I thought to be the world, up into the eyes of tens, maybe hundreds of some elevated speices. I hadn't noticed the confinment of my life. Trapped, closed in, locked away from the rest of the world. My own emerald isle surrounded by the ocean of concrete. I suddenly felt rage. Starting out as a flicker in my eyes it sent a frenzy chasing curiousity through my blood. Ticking in my stomach was a fear. A fear that I had lost my true sense of self. I had no threats, no enemies, no rivals, I had nothing. This void, caused vulnerability inside. Had I been so naive to believe that this was what life was? That it could be simply this easy? I was a baby, nursing blind to a facade. Mother nature had come and gone as quickly as these tourists. Head lowered, shoulders rolled back, I planned. Planned my escape, a new journey. I was to tread the broken ground alone, staggering over boulders and dirt until I found a pride to call my own. Predator of the predators, I was about to impact more lives than my own. Fixated on freedom, thirsting for peripatetic living, I steadied my focus and with upmost intensity began my new adventure. Destroying those holding me back with vigorous passion, my innocense has been lost. Feel my intensity, my perseverance. I will create a new island, one that stretches to every horizion ever noted. What I see is mine for the taking, I will overpower every peice of life that trys to steal this from me. They've had their time, now is mine.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

sleepless in new york.

The sky has moved from a swirling combination of pinks and oranges, to a deep blue. The lights of this city are hiding the stars, they refuse to peak their faces out of the dark. I'm longing for the moons company, I feel a sleepless night coming. My sleepy eyes beg for rest, my bitter heart longs for a sweet cure. I will purge my thoughts, ridding my mind of every useless and hopeless conviction. I'm chasing my own love, aching passionatly for my own acception. I won't fully abandon my hope for a boy to hold me at night, but I'll charm my thoughts away from it as much as I can. I feel like a broken record, always repeating the same subject, the same dreams and hopes. I can't help it though, I am a natural born cuddler, born to love.
I feel so anxious, theres a storm of emotions in my stomach and I can acknowledge all but one. It's a mixture of nervousness, stupidity, and longing. Fuck, I just want to laugh with someone. I don't want a serious scary thing, just a relationship with someone who can be my friend and my lover all in one.

College is next month, I get to be thrown back into the freshmen year all over again. Though this time around I'm hopeing people actually have brains. The immaturatiy in that which was high school reeked. It was the most annoying thing I think I've ever expeirenced in my entire life. I can't wait to learn more about my major, and meet new people. Even though I'm redic. shy. I wish it was simpler than this. I wish being shy wasn't such a bad thing. More importantly, I can't wait to get my own apartment and car, and start paying off my loans ASAP.
:/



I just want to climb the tallest mountain and yell at the top of my lungs.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

same old story.

I think too much into things.

I worry too much about the same old subject.
I need a distraction.
help?

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.

Why do we obsess over petty fears such as rejection? I'm realizing that my greatest fear all along wasn't to end up alone, it was that I may be on my death bed regretting not taking more chances. More risks. Life is too short to be afraid. To care so much what others think that you stop yourself from taking a chance which could possibly effect the rest of your life, in a glorious amazing way. What if you miss out on the best things of your life because you were too preoccupied with the approval of everyone else, or too afraid that it might not end up the way you'd hoped? What if your fears have held you back so tight that you missed out on sharing a million smiles? Missing out on that sore feeling, the feeling you get where your smile is tugged so tight that it can't seem to be stretched anymore. What if you're missing out on laughing so hard you can't breathe, making it even somehow even more hilarious? I don't want to be battered with the "what if.." thougths when I'm older, I don't want to live in regretted wonder. I want to live in thrilling curiousty, passionate yearning for every expeirence that makes me strong. Makes me expand the memory folders creased in my mind.

I think you should take a chance. Anything you think that could make you happy, do it. fuck the rest.

haha for some reason that gay band abba or whatever just popped into my head. that one line "take a chance on meeeeeeeeeeee."
so lame.

Friday, July 17, 2009

so fresh and so clean clean.

I just got home from a three day vacation. I went to Preston Hollow, possibly my favorite place in the entire world. It's pure mountains, the green stretches for days. Animals roam the roads living I could get lost there and be completely content. My lungs opened up for the first time, and instead of spitting venom in my words, they were lined with a hopefull, more relieved sound. I want to be sweet again, I'm sick of being bitter. Sick of disapointments, being let down, not being good enough what have you. I know my worth, and I know that there is someone who deserves me for everything I am. I need to let go of all my anxiety and embrace my hope again. I'm just going to focus on picking up the peices, build back up the foundation of what I was once. Loosen my grip, snap my spine back forward. Keep my head up and my eyes unveiled. Raise my sights higher than they ever were, and breathe in my fresh new beginning. No more precarious living, no more hiding true speech.
I gotta redirect my focus, back onto getting an apartment. No more worrying about being single, wanting someone to cuddle with. It'll happen in its time. That person will find me when he wants me, or fate will run its course. What's meant to be will be, and as of now I need to become the person I aspire to be.

"Become the person you would most like to spend the rest of your life with."


This is my intention, this is my wish and this is my undying faith in hope.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Have you ever felt like you've lost your mind?

When one good friend is so hard to find?

Listening to What Counts. I'm so tired.
I feel trapped, confined to my thoughts. Anxiety plauges me, it's crawling up my skin, burrowing underneath into my blood. It courses throughout my veins, through my heart, trying to take down its concrete walls. I won't stand for it, I can't second guess myself anymore.
Has anyone here ever felt like this before? Where your thoughts completely consume you, and the path of mind and mouth starts to separate, fighting for their independence? I feel as though I can't relate anything to anyone anymore. My mouth is lazy, but my head is busy. I feel so disconnected.
I need to get away.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

2 years in the future

I will be living in dublin and earning my phd.
STOKED.

babe with a brain, can't get any better than this.
Hopefully I can get an audi t.t. by then.
and my own little cottage.
HOODIE WEATHER ALL YEAR ROUND, i'm so so happy.
I will make this happen, I will destroy hvcc and I will demolish the classes. I'm going to be my own worst enemy for a while, but I gotta stick to my plan.
I gotta get out of this place.

Friday, July 3, 2009

hey.

affectionate, intelligent boys willing to carry on conversations that have some value to them, laugh uncontrollably, and willing to snuggle while doing so, FIND ME.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

last night.

My thoughts crippled me.
I cried into doubt. Into hopelessness.
I will never allow myself to feel so small ever again.

I'm feeling so confined by these four walls and these same faces.
Claustrophobic of this god forsaken city, of my memories and the same fucking routines.

aaaaaahhhhhhh.
I'm seriously considering the fact that being surrounded these people is making me stupid.
FUCKKKK i need to get out, i need to leaveeee.
:(

Monday, June 29, 2009

your eyes tell me another story.

Is it possible for people to truly change?
To take a persons' past, full of bizzare fuckery, and turn it completely around. Change their lives, make something of themselves?
I've found myself completely contradicted. My mind wants more than my heart can handle.
I am not a bandaid, I cannot fix you. I can give you guidance, and I can support you, but it's up to you to change, not through force.

I can't trust you.
I can't trust anyone.
I can only trust myself, and I think that's such a sad way to live. All of us just run around leading our own parades, but when they intersect, havoc is set loose to destroy.
It's sad we can't trust anyone, it's sad people are so self-centered, but more and more I'm finding its the only way to live.

Straying away from that topic...
I talked to this "player" the other night, and he was just blabbing about his, let's say, relations with all 14 girls hes slept with. He told me how long it took to get them into bed, most of which under a half hour, and I screamed at him. I hate talking about sluts, I hate thinking about sluts, I just hate fucking sluts. I told him that I would never respect a bitch that doesn't respect herself, If you don't have a fucking brain, or any sense of dignity GET THE FUCK OUT. You're a worthless tool, and I will have nothing to do with you.
He defended them. I got mad.
He basks in this glory that hes had so many girls, but we'll see where you are in 10 years when the game gets old and you've fucked everyone in town.
alone.
no hands to hold,
no face to wake too.
nothing.
silence, emptyness, secluded from something real.
haha.

Monday, June 22, 2009

It is not the same.

You can't trust anyone.


I'm so distressed. dishevled. destroyed.
I want to crawl out of this broken mess and find a new light. Gather up the strength to run and begin again. I want to breathe deeply, lightly, easily.


"Don't take life too seriously, or you'll never make it out alive."

fuck. I take everything seriously. even this crummy situation I find myself in.
YOU'VE TAINTED EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE.
get off your back please, and quit bitching about a reputation you brought upon yourself.
it's one thing if two people say you're a slut, but it's another if the whole fucking city calls you a slut.
I wish I could trust you. I wish you were like the person i knew 4 years ago.
How did everything get so fucked up?
What happend to you?
Wheres your family loyalty?
Why don't you care? about anyone?
dfjasklfjas;

i hate this.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

its raining right now.

I reccomend the chesapeak catch from Ruby Tuesday's.
and fyi, annoying things to me are:

1. irrelevance.
2. stupidity.
3. superficial people.
4. pity.
5. underestimation
6. the fact that dignity doesn't exsist amoung anyone anymore.
7. gossip.
8. "drama."
9. when people, especially girls, FREAK OUT if you don't text them or call them back within two seconds.
10. overthinking.
11. mind games.
12. being shy.
13. smelly people.
14. economics and government.
15. bro's.
16. when my room is messy.
17. judgemental people.
18. bad music.
19. being hot.
20. feet.
21. when guys call me "pet names" and we aren't dating. It's not cute, you're trying to hard.
22. When I write something on this and someone takes it as a personal attack. like the above, it's not directed at any individual, it's just in general. don't get your panties in a bunch boys.
23. when people don't respect me, and think that just because i'm pretty must mean i'm dumb.
though i love surprising them by tearing up their 3rd grade vocabulary and throwing "big words" at them.
24. THEY, THEY'RE, THEIR. Please do your best and use them in the correct form.
25. People who butcher the english language.
26. "lol" "lolz" "l0o0ls" "rofl" "lmao." you're not laughing that hard, and there are no zeros in a word. I can't stand people who are legit about it. Like, thats how they talk on a daily basis.
27. Best Friends who say distance won't ruin anything, and they let it happen.


theres a ton more. But i don't want to come off like a life loathing bitch.
so..here are things i love:

1. anchors
2. ships, or anything to do with sailor stories, etc.
3. sailor jerry tattoo flash.
4. mike giant tattoo, graffiti and fine art flash.
5. kisses on the forehead.
6. the smell of rain.
7. acceptance.
8. under the covers.
9. when the sun wakes me up.
10. laughing.
11. booty shakes from flavour cafe'.
12. my body.
13. reading a new book.
14. the complexity of the mind.
15. good music.
16. passion.
17. cuddleing, snuggling, being close to another person.
18. best friends who actually do stay around.
19. driving/road trips.
20. monogamy.
21. cooking and baking.
22. long walks.
23. dreaming big.
24. holding hands.
25. feeling everything.
26. taking my vitamins!

I have a lot more of shit that makes me happy.
but typing it out for strangers to see takes too long, so you'd have to get to know me.

Friday, June 12, 2009

oh, and also.

I AM NOT DISPOSABLE.

Don't treat me like I am.
Don't take me for granted,
Don't underestimate me.

I fucking hate being treated like this. Don't text me, or call me, or whatever only when it's good for "you."

You don't deserve me, and you are NOT worth my time.
get the fuck off your high horse.


guys are jerks.
end.

Senior 09

DONE.

Today was my last final.
I'm offically done with high school.

I'll miss everyone, so much though.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

typ

You're a dream away now.
Never in my thoughts during daylight, or when I rest my eyes at night.



I'm so relieved.




Finally.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

why does this keep happening.

My mind is clinging to memories.
My eyes are hooded, hiding the fear that is burning so bright behind them.
I've got so many questions.
Such high hopes.

and no answers.
and no time.
and no fucking clue.

Monday, June 8, 2009

for once,

it'd be nice to kiss someone who cares.

I haven't cuddled in forever.
It's like the only addiction I have since I'm straight edge.
I'm so happy I've chosen to live the way I have.
four years strong, and never breaking.
I couldn't be more proud of myself.

lame.
I have a stuff nose and a sore throat. I'm so tired, my sleep cycle is so off from prom and the after party. I had so much fun, I was surprised how cool everyone was for some reason.
eh whatever.
I need to shower.
and sleep.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

weak.

The weather is perfect. It feels still, trapped in time until a soft breeze floats past my cheek. Inside the building behind me, there is a rageing war. It's everything I've wanted since I knew the definition of dream. Since I could spell out perfection with my lips. But more and more each day I find this once calming, strong foundation is crumbling. I am noticing patterns and cricles I've never known before - or never wanted to acknowledge. The cracks crawl around corners, binded by some wild fusion of rage and hopelessness. There are holes beneath my feet. Places that once leant me their backs of support are now depleted to sorry grey pebbles. I have half a mind to get off this ground, past the dead potential, rotten words that have littered this lawn. I'll step onto green, cold, new ground...and never ever look back. My mind is plauged with anxiety. Like I'm waiting for something, an approach of some sort. When will I find peace in myself to rest my head at night? When will my search for searches end.

Monday, June 1, 2009

The 100th.

HOUR 37: still no sleep.
Soon, I hope that I will be snuggling up soon with a mug of warm tea. I'm watching A&E's Intervention simultaneously and it is so heartwrenching. But none of it seems to be shocking or new to me. I've seen most to all of this shit first hand. I feel for these people, the families I mean.
I've discovered that the most annoying sound in the world is when my mom says "fuck."
She does it in a creepy old way, the way mothers should not talk. It's my job to curse like a sailor, not hers.
Her keyboard is like a stomping ground for fingers. If her fingers were a band, they would be the blue man group. Slamming the tips of themselves and/or garbage cans, plastic bottles, etc., somehow forming a sound that makes sense. Except the music they'd come up with would be annoying and something you'd want to scream at. Maybe I should have gotten her finger headbands and sweatbands. So they could jam in style. I hate how she types with one finger at a time. She is so electronically challenged. I can't blame her for that though. I love my mom, but I find myself wanting to break free of this god forsaken place and never look back. I am becoming irked at everything she does, my sister does, dave does. Everything.
Maybe it's because the only thing I hear before I attempt to drift into dreamland is the bickering between what I thought were solid parents. They bitch at each other, screaming until tears are the only other noise. She keeps talking about a divorce. Dave keeps saying he's going to leave. Mom please don't talk to me about it. There is only so much I can take.
I don't want my step dad to leave.
He's like the father I never had.
Not again. please, please.
I hate my sister. I don't know who she is anymore, but shes tearing everything we have, we wanted, apart. Go ahead, do your drugs, I'm cutting you off.
I'm going to get slivers in my knuckles from knocking on wood so much.
I need a distraction. A new book. Any suggestions?
I uploaded my toy attempt on h8space. I'm still stoked though, and I'm also stoked that at least I have a best friend I can count on, no matter what. 7 YEARS STRONG.
I <3>
I would kill for a bomber's burrito. And a Dunkin Donuts Mocha Coolata, omfg.
I'm going to take my vitamins, exercise, and attempt at sleep.
Goodnight everyone. <3

Sunday, May 31, 2009

earth, home of superficial douchebags.

Why is there so much emphasis on a persons exterior.
I know it's totally redundant, and I'm basically beating a dead horse, but I just seem to keep thinking about it.
It's rather annoying, that you can't even fabricate a friendship let alone a relationship with someone if they don't meet up to your beauty standards.

High-Fashion Models are ugly.
They look like aliens, and I don't know why shows like "America's Next Top Model" searches for these alien people.
Was high fashion created just to open arms to these outcasted aliens? And then ultimatly becoming a vicious cycle, and rather than being the outcasts with a place, they're the outcasts making all the little girls of the world puke their brains up or starve themselves, creating more outcasts?

I mean really girls. I'm not one to talk about boobs, since I myself have a small set, but christ at least I've got something. High fashion is meant for maniquins, and people should NOT look like maniquins. Why is the definition of "beauty" something made of cloth, plastic or wood or what have you, rather than the way a persons eyes flicker in light, or the facial expressions they make in their innocent moments. One's people don't notice because they can't find beauty in simplicity. I don't know. whatever.
At least I can indulge in something like french toast and not have recurring thoughts of "oh the calories...oh the audacity, i'm such a cow." I like living life with no strings attached to my food.

A positive attitude burns calories.
get on that.
embrace yourself, not kill yourself.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

I honestly believe

that the flaws in people are the most beautiful.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Lately,

My heart feels more like a burial ground.
Everything I love is falling apart.
Everything, everyone, I hold in my heart is a memory.
I want to revive it all, breathe life back into them. But I know I can't. I wish with all the strength I have that things will get better. That I seriously don't have to go through this again, not now.
Theres no streetlight shining on the road to guide me home. There is no wind to push me in the right direction, no gentle hand pushing me towards the right path. All I have is my heart, and my gut. I need to trust in them more now than I ever have.
Clean up the weeds growing and twisting around inside, Destroy the rage that's been boiling in my throat, craving to come out. I want to unleash it all on her. I want to tell her how she broke everything. But I know it won't do anything. Accosting her never did shit.
WATER IS THICKER THAN BLOOD.
It's not how it should be, but you made it this way. You and your weak attempt at being family.
My friends care more about me than you ever did.
I do not tolerate self-pity, I do not tolerate uneducated, immoral, inconsiderate, selfish twits. I do not, and will not, tolerate another broken family. I won't allow it to happen, I can't.
I'm going to keep my head up, I won't waver, I won't break in the face of all this. I know I've got it in me. I'm going to find the beauty even if it kills me.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

nom nom.

I would kill for a hot cup of french vanilla coffee.
(Light and sweet just like me!)
haha.
My fucking brain.
I want a cute tattooed boy.
So I can trace his outlines with my finger and kiss the dark shading.
And tell him how perfect it is, he is.
and how lucky he is to be with me.
but,
that's nto going to happen.
because I can't find love anywhere.
and I give up right now.
But I'm so stoked I just got done working out, exercising.
I feel so good right now, the tension in my shoulders feels comforting.
I'm stronger in my blood and in my heart.
figurativly, and literally, because I just took my vitimans.
I love how British people prenounce that.
vit-eh-minz.
so perfect.
mindless sputter of words, that was.
goodnight all <3

Sunday, May 24, 2009

I just don't fucking care anymore.

First dad.
Then my sister.
Now you.

You're ruining your life on your own, I'm done defending you. Is it worth it?
Do you really want my pity?
I don't sympathize with you, because I've gone through the drug addict dad and drug addict sister. I pity you.
You're pathetic.
Fuck.
I wish I wasn't so nice, I wish I hadn't helped you for so long, I wish I wasn't caught in the middle. I need to tell someone, you need help and you're too hopeless to get it on your own.
Go ahead, hide behind your facade of rage, you're image of rebellion. Keep telling yourself you're the only one, that your life sucks and everyone hates you. It's only true because you keep pushing it onto people. People believe what they see, what you put out there. You want attention so bad do it for the right fucking reasons. Save something, do something, don't fucking destroy yourself and cry about it. I hate the sound of your crying now, it's awful. I wish it never got this bad.
I love you but you live your life in the saddest way I've ever fucking seen.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

alliteration?

I need to finish my financial aid.
I need to gather money for graduation, for a road trip, for the upcoming shows, for travel.
I need to sleep a full 8 hours.
I need to finish my xp project before wednesday.
I can not wait until summer. I can't wait to make new friends.
Or at least make a full attempt at closing off the shyness about me.
In English class we're reading "A Streetcar Named Desire," and I play the role of Blanche. The play I think is really actually very good, the throwback feel of it is nice. I didn't know that I was playing an alcoholic flirtatious, almost cocky, douchebag though. I mean thats the vibe I get from her right now. but we've only just begun. A lot of kids in class thought it was funny since I'm straight edge, but I'm reading about tossing whiskey. I thought it was pretty entertaining.
Like 4 girls told me I looked like Audrey Hepburn today. That I had a classy look or something like that.
It was a little random but I'm not complaining!
I'm so tired. I want to drink some tea.
holy crap I learned how to make the best tea and/or coffee ever!
You pour the half and half and sugar in before the tea or coffee, and mix it up until it looks creamy, or tanish. It actually tastes like frosting, it's delicious. But then you pour the coffee in, or tea, and mix it while you pour. It's so good, and you can taste the difference.
alrighty. nothing more to say for now.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

idiotic.


It felt like daggers. Surrounding my skin and taking every inch captive. I could see walls of white all around, my hands slipping to every touch. My ankles were bound together with panic. I couldn't swim, but I couldn't allow myself to sink. Behind my brown eyes built a pressure, a lack of oxygen to my brain, my blood, my heart. My lungs faught hard against my bones, determind to crack just for a breath. The tears blended in with the rest of the water. I couldn't tell which peice of dismay was mine. They meant nothing. They do nothing, these tears. Just holding me underwater with the rest of their angst. I tell myself - No, Fight. Fight more, don't lose yet. My hair is like silk, softly brushed away by the silence around me.I dig my nails into the cold sheets before me. Shake it loose, shake the worry off. Some hidden scream climbs up my throat and I'm struggling to make them hear. Climbing taller and faster. Harder and sterner. My heart will never grow cold, the ice will not freeze the only thing I have left.





Right. That was shitty but this is my blog and I write what I please. I can't wait to remember I had a blogger when I'm like 30, and look back and laugh at all the silly things I've written.
I'm watching this movie called "Elephant." I'm fairly certain it's based on Columbine, but it's not that bad. Except the scene I'm watching now just showed the three "prissy" girls, and they bitched about how much fat is in their salad dressing, then gossiped about a boy they want to fuck, who has a girlfriend, and then made the riveting plans to go shopping later. Now theyve all walked into the stalls said something about "the weird girl in gym" and all three proceeded to puke their brains out. Together, like true bffz. How sweet.
"Hurricane Streets" was one earlier, and I loved it so much. It's such an incredible movie.
I need to read some new books.

Any Ideas?

Monday, May 18, 2009

The only pretty thing I've seen in Troy.




Hello, ego.

"Women are the most confusing species on the planet. They never know what they want."

Liars.

Men are the most confusing creatures in the world. I can't figure any of you people out.

And for those of you who agree with the above statement, you're looking at the wrong women, or girls, I should say.
I know what I want.
and It's simple.
I don't want you to spoil me. I don't want you to need to hangout on a daily basis. I don't want you too feel obligated to call me, or text me. I don't want you to need me. I don't want you too cheat on me, or lie to me. That's it.

I want you to be yourself, and be comfortable enough with me to do anything. I want you to be rediculously silly and fun, I want you to distract me when I'm upset. I want you to want your friends to meet me, because I'm just so awesome you can't keep me under wraps. I do want a boy to want to text me. Not so much calling because I have a stupid, childish voice over the phone. At least that's what I think. I just want to friggen cuddle. I want a boy to kiss, whenever I please, wherever I please.
But since I'm not a creepy slut, I don't really go much for massive PDA. You know who I'm talking about, that couple under the stairs by the girls gym, or the massivly-in-love-couple that have been dating for 2 weeks who want to expand their intimicy on your locker. No, I'm totally not up for that.
This girl is a passionate, rare, real, great thing. Somewhat like a drug you want all to yourself. So you keep it behind closed doors, NOT ON SOMEONES LOCKER.
Yeah. I did it.
I compared my kisses to a drug.
Fight me.
...But this is strictly based on the fact that my ex said so.
Names are not of any importance.
but it still makes my day just thinking about it.
You missed out.

I'm not the kind of girl who flirts with your friends, or flirts with random dudes when I'm in a relationship. It just feels wrong. I'm not the kind of girl who will lie about stupid silly shit, like, for example, most girls when they're with you, not saying anything, you ask "What's wrong?"
They reply with the usual, "nothing."
CLEARLY THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG.
So why do girls just avoid it. Sitting there acting like that is asking for attention. You're asking to be asked, so give a real honest answer, douche bags.
I don't play games, I'm up front and honest. But usually I'm too busy making you smile and say "awwww, you're so cute!"
If you're one of those guys that says "I love you" after a month, a week, or a day, move on now.

jdfakljfs;a

It's been so long since I've cuddled with a boy.
Where is the boy of my dreams? Please who ever you are, find me :(


P.s.

if you're going to text me, and then I respond, and then ignore me for the rest of the day, save me the time and frustration and DON'T BOTHER.


I hope this doesn't make me sound cocky.
I'm the furthest thing from that.

August 2009

My new life begins.
Break free from procrastination, lazyness.
Expand my mind, create new rooms for new knowledge.
I can't keep living like this.
I need tunnel vision on this goal, this needs to happen for me.
I need to dig deep for the motivatoin, but I know its there. Flowing beneath the surface.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

a river raging.

I am so torn.
Every single time I think about last thursday I just cry. It's an uncontrolable downfall of tears. I'm so drained, even when I feel like I can't cry anymore, I find a way to do it.
Should I pity her? Should I sympathize with her, when I've gone through every single thing she has. When we've gone through everything together, and she handles it in a self destroying way.
I don't know what to do.
For once, I don't have the answers.
I wish my mom would stop coming to me for an opinion, I know it's because shes lost, but I can't point her in the right direction. I'm not a parent, This is certainly not my place to act like one either.

When will you open your fucking eyes?

Friday, May 15, 2009

I play with fire just to break the ice.

I want to bake cupcakes.
or a cake.

I just want to cook, or bake, or something.
random.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Let's play catch up!

Okay so I came back from the farm a few days ago and I've been so busy since then. The first thing I did when I got home was take a long hot shower, than snuggle up below my blanket for what felt like the best nap, ever. I got to talk to W, and I haven't talked to him in SO long. I missed his advice, it was nice to talk to an old friend. He gave me alot to think about on the topic of being shy, and did this sort of "role-play" deal, where we faked being strangers. It worked a little bit. He told me that I should see it as I have nothing to lose, and he's right. He told me that if I attempted to talk to someone, and they just acted like complete dickhole, then they just aren't worth it.

Intermission:
A police car is parked up my street shining a light on my porch telling my sister's friends to get off our porch. wtf.
End.

Uhm. Okay so anyways. I really want someone to cuddle with. Someone that can make me laugh until I cry. :( I don't want to be alone any more. But I can't stand the thought of depending on someone. I just want to share everything.

Today I skipped out early since the teacher was gone, and I got home and hung out with kaylee, evan, asa, and ian. Oh so obnoxious those three are. Asa & Evan took off their clothes and put on kaylee's old t-shirts, from her tomboy/goth stage, while fucking Ian put on her size 0 skinny jeans and tight ass sweater. He tried to fight me on everything today, whether it be the rules of straight edge, health care in the United States, or some shit about a Utopia.
dude seriously, a Utopia is fabricated up by man's dreams. It never has happend and it never will. In a world where corruption and greed rule the hearts and minds of many, there is no way perfection in the world will exsist. There is no use in even arguing a utopia, it's such a waste of breath, of words. I told him this and he kept running in circles. I told him that the difference between the American Government and those of say Britain or France is that we fear our government. We cower at the thought of revolting, but there are still few brave of us to walk the streets. Where as in France thousands march every day for a just cause, the government there fears their people, so they do almost anything they can too meet their needs.
Then we got on the topic of socialized healthcare, i.e. Canada vs. United States.
Canadians seem so selfless, they don't mind their tax dollars going to help someone in need. While if you're filthy rich in the United States the thought of paying for someone elses medical needs never crosses your mind. It seems to me as though people are far more united in other countries than in the UNITED states of America.
I'm totally going to get my ass kicked or something for talking about this.
Michael Moore's SICKO made me think, however biast, and so did all the arguments with Ian.
That's not to say America sucks, because it doesn't. We have so many oppourtunites here, more than most. We have, obviously, a lot more freedoms also. I'm very content here, so far. But nothings going to stop me to see if the grass is greener on the other side.
After that was all over I played him in a game of badmitten, needless to say I ruined him with my classy sportsman ship.
Amanda came over after, and we had so much fun. I can't say I've laughed that hard for such a long amount of time in one day, in a while. Sweet run-on sentence.
We stopped at her moms house and grabbed some money and went to snow mans. We both got regular vanilla ice cream cones topped with rainbow sprinkles. We than sat in her car and made rude faces at the people who stared at us eating. There was one woman in particular who just did not blink. She just kept staring at us. So Amanda and I started making obscene gestures with our ice cream cones, but only for a second before we laughed so hard Amanda spit freaking ice cream all over the car. slob she is, but i love my best friend. I guess you just had to be there to know how fun it was. We went back to the RPI feilds after and played some football. We destroyed each other's fingers with the football, gave up, and went back to my house. We had a horn contest with her Oldsmobile and kay's Ford. I say the Acheiva won because I hate fords, Mercury Mystiques or whatever. fuck them.

fjkdlajfls;a

I still need to look up information on train shit. I've always wanted to go to the city by train, and ellie might come with me. I haven't seen her in so long!! I miss her a lot. I hope we can just hangout in central park with coffee or something and talk about the gap in between.
I'm so tired.
It's exercise time.
then Shower time.

I want to cuddle with someone again :(
I wish there was someone out there for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

gay there is, but I just haven't found him yet.
or he hasn't found me.
whatever.

bye!

Friday, May 8, 2009

Whatever happend to the brooklyn dodgers?

(Whatever happend to me?)

This week was pretty good.
I exchanged music with my new friend, and he gave me the leaked demos from I Am the Avalance, it's wicked catchy!
I'm listening to it right now, and it puts me in such an upbeat mood.

Today my sister and I skipped first & second period to grab some coffee at the union, where she was so obviously eye fondled by one of the students there. Lucky I don't have huge boobs like her otherwise I would bitch about it in this sweet xblogx.
It was really nice, I haven't really had a heart to heart conversation with her in a really long time. I had alot of issues to cover with her, all the fucked up things she did to me. We haven't completely resolved them, but at least they're out there on the table.
We wanted to walk home so I could help her with her english, but my mom had the day off, so we bipassed our street and walked to school instead. We made it to the beginning of 4th, and I had economics. We're watching SICKO, a Michael Moore film. I really enjoyed it, though it tugged at my heart a little.
The fucking insurance programs, they pull some bullshit out of thin air. I know that his films are biast, but there really are somethings you can't really fight him on. The whole "pre-exsisting conditions" bit, that is so outrageous. How can you live with yourself, putting a price on a persons life? A living, breatheing, feeling, person? Just as alive as you. You've got blood and bones just like everyone else, but you're so Godly you can price their heads. My Uncle would still be alive if it wasn't for you fucks.
I'm anticipating the next part of the movie, I want to see where it all leads. For such a great Country, we sure do have a lot of suffering. If you're not making over 6 figures, you're pushed past.
We are the forgotten.

I hope my friends that are going into politics make it there.
Try to fix this system, this corrupt ass bullshit.
Just don't become one. Don't lose yourself in all of it.


My ceramics project got fired yesterday after I glazed it, I'm a little disapointed at how the edges are, it's not that clean. But it's a cute little design, Mike Giant inspired me. If you don't know who that is, get into it. He's so amazing at everything he does, Graffiti, Tattoos, and his Fine Art is bomb!
I'm off too pack for the weekend.
Bye everyone! :)

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Preston Hollow this weekend!





STOKED!

I'm going to Preston Hollow this weekend with Amanda. I haven't been there in so long, these pictures are from the last time I visited. I love getting out of the city and breathing clean air. She has a little farm with a ton of little animals to play with, and I get to re-meet her baby sister!
I'll be leaving after classes tomorrow, I'll be gone all weekend :)

I'm so excited.

a new adventure!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

a girl asked me for a ring & I put one around her whole eye.

**This is not complaining, this is just a discussion of my day. I just feel the need to point that out.

One-A-Day, Vitamin E capsules, Biotin, Vitamin C chewables and weekly shots.
Gross!

But I will say this:

OUCH. My arms hurt so bad from shots today, They're all swollen and the nurse, every time she shot me she said "...just a little pinch.." That makes it SO much worse. It's when I don't anticipate it, that's when it's painless. When you sit there and basically say you're peircing through my skin with a fine needle three different times, It seems to hurt much worse.


I realized today that I despise the people who purposely make themselves stand out, then bitch and moan about how the world hates them because they're different.
(Military Police by Outbreak is the perfect theme for this.)
You're the assbag that dyed your hair 2394802 different colors.
You're the douche that wears pajama pants to school with some whiney emo band t-shirt that does not match at all.
You're the one who strives for attention in bragging about "cutting" and your attempted "suicide."
Do you ever stop to think about people with real issues? Maybe a traumatized soilder with depression? A new mother with Post pardum depression? People with real physcological disorders?
No. Instead you lock yourself inside your room refreshing your myspace page hundreds of times until some dweeb friend requests you and asks for n00dz. Which you'd most likely give up for some compliments. You try in the worst ways to get people to notice you.
Why not just be social. Be nice. I promise it goes along way.
The things I hear in the halls of Troy High. It's unbelievable.
Grow up.

The world will eat you alive you selfish peice of shit.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

I'm here.


Waiting for you too sweep me off my feet.
Wherever you are.
Whoever you are.
This game of hide & seek is getting old, I'm tired of seeking and I'm tired of hideing.

I feel sick.


Monday, May 4, 2009

the lights will guide you home.

(and I will try to fix you.)

I feel like I'm drowning.
Time is closing in slowly, but surely.
I'm trapped under ice. There isn't a crack to breathe out of either.

I can't place these feelings, It's a shame that i'm just starting to crawl out my shell senior year.
And even though I haven't talked to more than half my class, I still feel like I'm going to miss them.
A part of me I never noticed is dying to come out, but it's a sad part. I feel like I want to cry.
But I'm holding back, no tears for parting.
It's a part of life.
Things change. People leave.
I've learned this far too many times.

My vision is blurred. I need a hug.
Someone, anyone, offer me one. Please.

I just want to hide away in someones arms, just for one second.

I don't want my friends to leave and make new ones.
Especially Amanda, she's family, no matter what.
I guess in some cases such as ours, water is thicker than blood.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

no more.

procrastination.
broken promises.
barriers.
fear.
tomorrow is a new day.
a new everything.
no. more.

my titles are most misleading.

Every night I lay awake hoping that this time, this time maybe I can get a full 8 hours in.

I can't find peace in myself to sleep. I woke up this morning, my eyes were so heavy. I hardly recognized myself at first. It's not even like there's anything wrong, I'm just constantly thinking. Always thinking. I just want to stop, and relax. Just breathe, even if it's only for a moment. Yesterday as I was waiting for Amanda, I started thinking about everything from the crack in the sidewalk to the fact that most homes in Britain are so crammed together, and that I wonder if I could ever be comfortable being so close. So close that the neighbors would scream at me for the speakers being so loud, blowing out their eardrums and mine. I feel like the universe is slapping me in the face every time I see an adorable pair of hands being held. It's been so long since I've held hands with someone. And I feel so redundant, because most of the posts on this go right back to having someone to care about.
It's not that I need someone. You can never need, or depend, or center on anyone. That would be an easy way to lose yourself, and everything "unique" about you. I could never do that again. I refuse to depend on any person other than me. I did it ONCE, and that was perhaps the biggest mistake I could have ever made. I built up what I thought was close to perfection, just to fall flat on my face. He found someone he thought was better and left. As cruel as it sounds, the satisfaction that the girl he left me for cheats on him on an hourly basis, makes it so much better. I was perfect. I did everything right, but he couldn't handle a real, genuine, beautiful girl.
But on the upside, she did me a favor, at least I found out who he was then before I spent more precious hours of my life to be wasted on him.
I think simplicity is amazing. That being said, All I want, is a boy to laugh with. To talk about anything and everything with no pauses in between. I want to kiss him whenever I please, regardless of who may be near. I want to wake in their arms to the light pouring down onto us through the window.

I've found my independence. Now I want to find a boy to be independent with.
Make sense?
Figure it.

Apart from that, I'm swamped with paperwork and forms to fill out. I need to get on that soon.
I'm going to write myself a set of goals. Starting out small, and then working my way up from that.
I need to refocus.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

for those of you who don't know

I am a twin. I have a twin sister.
Her name is Kaylee, and shes on the left. I'm on the right.
GUYS:
IF YOU CAN'T GET WITH HER YOU CERTAINLY CANNOT GET WITH ME.
I swear to fucking god if one more guy says "yeah dude I'm gunna try and get with the other twin to get back at kaylee for rejecting me" I will ruin you.
I will ruin your fucking life.
I don't date pathetic, disgusting, losers.
So if you can't get with her, I promise you it'll be 40 times harder to get with me.
Don't even try.
Seriously.
I don't deserve to be second best, to anyone, including my twin.
I deserve a boy who has eyes for ME, no one else.
fuck this shit, it's getting old.
Grow up douchebags.

Friday, May 1, 2009

my leg is asleep, i'm losing weight and i'm drinking tea.

I had to listen to a girl today whose deepest conversation of her life was whether or not she should put her hair up or down for prom.
wow.

All day long I'm surrounded by narcassistic, yet insecure douchebags. I always feel them glaring at me, I bet they can see right into my soul. hah.

In xp class I was reading the bio of Mike Giant, and the only thing I could hear was the constant jabber of "drama" that seems to be coursing through the school. Some girl slept with some guy that wasn't supposed to be slept with. Another girl talked shit about a girl that she obviously shouldn't have talked shit about. The same bullshit that I've heard since 7th grade. This girl asked for my opinion and the only thing I said was "It won't matter in two months, save your breath and just don't worry about it. It's just sociopathic bull."
She wasn't happy with my answer. I think she wanted me to verbally tag team this girl she was talking about, but I ain't down to fuck around.
I mean really girls, really?

Doesn't being catty ever get old? Doesn't it get boring to just talk about people in the worst ways possible, just to gain attention from people? Why can't you obtain it in other ways, that actually benefit you, other than giving you the name "loud-mouthed bitch."

I missed out on all the "fun" I guess. I was too busy being forced to grow up.I'm 17, and I feel like I've lived the longest life ever. I pay my parents rent. I buy my own groceries, I have to find my own ways around because I can't depend on my parents, and I always feel so low asking my friends. I get guilted into babysitting for endless hours because of the shit that happend to my sister. Who is having another baby today. Which is another guilt trip I'll be on. But he's going to be such a gorgeous little baby.
I have to lock my bedroom door like I'm leaving some kind of apartment, because my sister steals 200 dollars, cameras, debit cards, clothes. It's so frustrating. All the shit that happens though, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I had a conversation with my friend danny about that last night. "the world is shit, and theres nothing you can do about it." He's right, but I think I'm right too.
Despite my nowhere-to-be-found drug addict dad, my missing little sister, my late friends, I don't think I'd want anyone else's life.This is mine, and I can make it into what I want.I choose to find the beauty in these situations. Straight Edge came from my family, Standing up for what I believe in, never faultering, that comes from my late friends.
I miss david and alex.
I wish they were still here to see how good I turned out.


I can't wait to get out of this city.
I can't wait to fall in love again.
I can't wait to kiss someone who cares about me.
I can't wait to cuddle with a boy again.
I can't wait to go to Dublin.
I can't wait to go to this party this weekend.
and I can't wait to show the world everything I've got.

These things will happen, I know it.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

obvious.

The bible was written by people who believed the earth was flat.





that is all.

zac efron is ugly.

Random.
I was watching a commercial for some new movie with some same face of some same hollywood fame. I don't get why there's such a phenomina over these men and women, They're just like us but happen to be richer. The only reason they're skinnier and healthier than average people is because they're more lucky in the cash department. Why are we so obsessed with these actresses and actors when all it is is the same face playing someone's fairytale dream on a screen, in a different situation every movie. same face. same dream. same scheme. Just different words. It's a bit annoying. It goes right back to how obsessed society is with looks. Just because we've got it in our heads that these people are hot, we automatically worship them like they're some kind of "god." (hah.) Even some of the attractive famecentrics are terrible at acting, yet we still find ourselves spending 10 dollars of our precious earned money to watch the same familliar face doing something not even remotely true to the real world. I guess I think it'd be more interesting if we had more options, more movies of actual real situations where life doesn't end up with the boy kissing the girl, or whatever happy ending.
It's just so fucking stupid.
Life is not a movie.
Life is no fairy tale.
Get used to it.
I'm not even sure if that makes sense, I can't find the right words to explain it.

Apart from that.


Today I got out of class at 12:30, after my teacher called me an assbag for pressing the record button when he wasn't ready. I apologized profusely saying "i'm sorry shhhweetie pye" He laughed and we called it even. After 3 days of 90 degree weather mother nature decided to get even for the hundreds of years we've been fucking the universe with 50 degree ice cold rain weather. I was just adapting to the muggy mess before hand, and then got a sweet curve ball from mother n. I shouldn't complain though, the human race deserves it. ANYWAY, so I get home and my sister had been supposed to be there since she was "sick" and all, and decided to lock all the doors and windows and not put the spare key under the table when she left for a tattoo. I sat outside for an hour and a half freezing, while watching the stupid couples holding stupid hands being stupid and stupidly cuddling together to keep each other warm. Salt in a wound, salt in a wound.I had to wait this long because all of my other friends don't get out of class until 2, and coincidently my cell phone was dead so I had no way of finding someone to hangout with until someone else got home. I braved it, and faught through my shyness to go to the minifrat house next door and ask for a phone.so.awkward.
The guy that answered looked at me like I was an alien and invited me in. His friend gave me his cell phone and while I was dialing another guy climbed down the stairs and smiled at me and actually had manners and asked me how I was. He was the only one that made me less uncomfortable, like I wasn't crazy. So amanda came and rescued me from the pong champs and we went to visit her step brother. God I feel so awful for him, The bruises from his 2000 platelets (sp?) are unbelievable. He's just recently been diagnosed with aplastic anemia, and I want to give him my bone marrow. They haven't done the tests yet but if he's 0+ he can have all the marrow he pleases from me. We went to my house around 4 when kaylee FINALLY got home, and I got an unopened box of cookies and bombed it with "nick" on the cover and then wrote the still fly lyrics on the plastic. He loved it, and the cookies! I'm going to get poster board I think and just do a huge graff peice of his name, like hopefully wildstyle because I'm bored with the same style i've been doing.


I need more $$$$$$$$$$$$$$