Sunday, October 25, 2009

Words with empty meanings are caving in around me. My conscious can lie to me with the same ease as anyone else. I keep telling myself that this is what I want, that you're everything I want. But a stone weighs down my ribs, pulling me deeper into the ground. My roots are fighting through the toughest earth, never letting me free. I'm stuck here, I can't get out of this. I can't get out of this feeling that's taking over every part of me. Should I defy myself, and cut through the roots planting me here in this god forsaken place, or should I just let it be.
I'll take the chance.
I'll saw through anything that tries to trap me, that tries to bring me down with the rest of them.
I'll fight this all, I've been on my own since day one. Just because I let myself get caught up in wishful thinking doesn't mean I can't go back.
Become the person I aspire to be.
Become the person I aspire to be.
Become the person I aspire to be.

Never needing anyone, always finding the beauty in fucking everything my eyes can reach. Finding my own way, creating the new path once I get there. Weeding out all these stupid insecurities and all these stupid second guesses. It's not even like my insecurities are about my looks, or my personality or whatever stupid body related topic. I'm just anxious as to how my future is going to be. Who I'll be, where I'll be, who I'll be with. It's all exciting and shit, but I just wish I could see if i end up happy.
I guess I'm glad no one reads this. It means I can say anything and vent, get all this stuff out of my head, without worrying if my grammar is good or not.

I got sent home early today from work, which I assumed would never happen, but it did. I was so relieved, but now I'm kind of wishing I stuck it out and distracted myself from these 20943029 other thoughts. Whatever, I'm glad that it means I can't give whatever this is to anyone else. I'd hate myself if I gave it to another person, I hate this sickness.
My ear hurts so bad. I couldn't even do the normal Friday sleepover's because it was so unbearable. I'm coughing up my life every god damn second. I haven't been this sick since I was like, 7. Maybe I should just go to Urgent Care.

...But I really don't want to get up and stop listening to Rebuild. I miss Verse so much.

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