Wednesday, July 29, 2009

smile plastered on my face

every time i listen to this.

fuck yeah my life rules.
I got a job.
and rediscovered my roots.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

nyc prep

"New York City kids grow up faster than normal kids."

I l-0-l-ed at that.

You have money, and you live in a huge bustling city. So does that make you more mature?
I'd be surprised if you weren't corrupt, greedy, or arrogant.
It's funny when the worst thing to happen to these girls is that their friends have the same marc jacobs bag as them.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

lion heart.

I am the caged animal. Living in routine. Wake to eat, eat to sleep, an endless cycle. I am oblivious to the walls I am trapped behind. Given a peice of tapestry forged as my "home," I fall into keepers kind tones, I do not fear anything. Everything is thrown to me, there is no hunt, there is no chase. I do not understand that I have been tamed. I've forgotten that my spirit has been broken. I've forgotten my true nature. The ferocious fire that once burned a hole in the skin of those that dared line their sights with mine, has died down. The smoke has cleared and there is nothing but an empty allusion of what should be. I remember the epiphany, Gazing up from the green island of grass that I thought to be the world, up into the eyes of tens, maybe hundreds of some elevated speices. I hadn't noticed the confinment of my life. Trapped, closed in, locked away from the rest of the world. My own emerald isle surrounded by the ocean of concrete. I suddenly felt rage. Starting out as a flicker in my eyes it sent a frenzy chasing curiousity through my blood. Ticking in my stomach was a fear. A fear that I had lost my true sense of self. I had no threats, no enemies, no rivals, I had nothing. This void, caused vulnerability inside. Had I been so naive to believe that this was what life was? That it could be simply this easy? I was a baby, nursing blind to a facade. Mother nature had come and gone as quickly as these tourists. Head lowered, shoulders rolled back, I planned. Planned my escape, a new journey. I was to tread the broken ground alone, staggering over boulders and dirt until I found a pride to call my own. Predator of the predators, I was about to impact more lives than my own. Fixated on freedom, thirsting for peripatetic living, I steadied my focus and with upmost intensity began my new adventure. Destroying those holding me back with vigorous passion, my innocense has been lost. Feel my intensity, my perseverance. I will create a new island, one that stretches to every horizion ever noted. What I see is mine for the taking, I will overpower every peice of life that trys to steal this from me. They've had their time, now is mine.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

sleepless in new york.

The sky has moved from a swirling combination of pinks and oranges, to a deep blue. The lights of this city are hiding the stars, they refuse to peak their faces out of the dark. I'm longing for the moons company, I feel a sleepless night coming. My sleepy eyes beg for rest, my bitter heart longs for a sweet cure. I will purge my thoughts, ridding my mind of every useless and hopeless conviction. I'm chasing my own love, aching passionatly for my own acception. I won't fully abandon my hope for a boy to hold me at night, but I'll charm my thoughts away from it as much as I can. I feel like a broken record, always repeating the same subject, the same dreams and hopes. I can't help it though, I am a natural born cuddler, born to love.
I feel so anxious, theres a storm of emotions in my stomach and I can acknowledge all but one. It's a mixture of nervousness, stupidity, and longing. Fuck, I just want to laugh with someone. I don't want a serious scary thing, just a relationship with someone who can be my friend and my lover all in one.

College is next month, I get to be thrown back into the freshmen year all over again. Though this time around I'm hopeing people actually have brains. The immaturatiy in that which was high school reeked. It was the most annoying thing I think I've ever expeirenced in my entire life. I can't wait to learn more about my major, and meet new people. Even though I'm redic. shy. I wish it was simpler than this. I wish being shy wasn't such a bad thing. More importantly, I can't wait to get my own apartment and car, and start paying off my loans ASAP.

I just want to climb the tallest mountain and yell at the top of my lungs.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

same old story.

I think too much into things.

I worry too much about the same old subject.
I need a distraction.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.

Why do we obsess over petty fears such as rejection? I'm realizing that my greatest fear all along wasn't to end up alone, it was that I may be on my death bed regretting not taking more chances. More risks. Life is too short to be afraid. To care so much what others think that you stop yourself from taking a chance which could possibly effect the rest of your life, in a glorious amazing way. What if you miss out on the best things of your life because you were too preoccupied with the approval of everyone else, or too afraid that it might not end up the way you'd hoped? What if your fears have held you back so tight that you missed out on sharing a million smiles? Missing out on that sore feeling, the feeling you get where your smile is tugged so tight that it can't seem to be stretched anymore. What if you're missing out on laughing so hard you can't breathe, making it even somehow even more hilarious? I don't want to be battered with the "what if.." thougths when I'm older, I don't want to live in regretted wonder. I want to live in thrilling curiousty, passionate yearning for every expeirence that makes me strong. Makes me expand the memory folders creased in my mind.

I think you should take a chance. Anything you think that could make you happy, do it. fuck the rest.

haha for some reason that gay band abba or whatever just popped into my head. that one line "take a chance on meeeeeeeeeeee."
so lame.

Friday, July 17, 2009

so fresh and so clean clean.

I just got home from a three day vacation. I went to Preston Hollow, possibly my favorite place in the entire world. It's pure mountains, the green stretches for days. Animals roam the roads living I could get lost there and be completely content. My lungs opened up for the first time, and instead of spitting venom in my words, they were lined with a hopefull, more relieved sound. I want to be sweet again, I'm sick of being bitter. Sick of disapointments, being let down, not being good enough what have you. I know my worth, and I know that there is someone who deserves me for everything I am. I need to let go of all my anxiety and embrace my hope again. I'm just going to focus on picking up the peices, build back up the foundation of what I was once. Loosen my grip, snap my spine back forward. Keep my head up and my eyes unveiled. Raise my sights higher than they ever were, and breathe in my fresh new beginning. No more precarious living, no more hiding true speech.
I gotta redirect my focus, back onto getting an apartment. No more worrying about being single, wanting someone to cuddle with. It'll happen in its time. That person will find me when he wants me, or fate will run its course. What's meant to be will be, and as of now I need to become the person I aspire to be.

"Become the person you would most like to spend the rest of your life with."

This is my intention, this is my wish and this is my undying faith in hope.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Have you ever felt like you've lost your mind?

When one good friend is so hard to find?

Listening to What Counts. I'm so tired.
I feel trapped, confined to my thoughts. Anxiety plauges me, it's crawling up my skin, burrowing underneath into my blood. It courses throughout my veins, through my heart, trying to take down its concrete walls. I won't stand for it, I can't second guess myself anymore.
Has anyone here ever felt like this before? Where your thoughts completely consume you, and the path of mind and mouth starts to separate, fighting for their independence? I feel as though I can't relate anything to anyone anymore. My mouth is lazy, but my head is busy. I feel so disconnected.
I need to get away.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

2 years in the future

I will be living in dublin and earning my phd.

babe with a brain, can't get any better than this.
Hopefully I can get an audi t.t. by then.
and my own little cottage.
I will make this happen, I will destroy hvcc and I will demolish the classes. I'm going to be my own worst enemy for a while, but I gotta stick to my plan.
I gotta get out of this place.

Friday, July 3, 2009


affectionate, intelligent boys willing to carry on conversations that have some value to them, laugh uncontrollably, and willing to snuggle while doing so, FIND ME.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

last night.

My thoughts crippled me.
I cried into doubt. Into hopelessness.
I will never allow myself to feel so small ever again.

I'm feeling so confined by these four walls and these same faces.
Claustrophobic of this god forsaken city, of my memories and the same fucking routines.

I'm seriously considering the fact that being surrounded these people is making me stupid.
FUCKKKK i need to get out, i need to leaveeee.