Sunday, May 31, 2009

earth, home of superficial douchebags.

Why is there so much emphasis on a persons exterior.
I know it's totally redundant, and I'm basically beating a dead horse, but I just seem to keep thinking about it.
It's rather annoying, that you can't even fabricate a friendship let alone a relationship with someone if they don't meet up to your beauty standards.

High-Fashion Models are ugly.
They look like aliens, and I don't know why shows like "America's Next Top Model" searches for these alien people.
Was high fashion created just to open arms to these outcasted aliens? And then ultimatly becoming a vicious cycle, and rather than being the outcasts with a place, they're the outcasts making all the little girls of the world puke their brains up or starve themselves, creating more outcasts?

I mean really girls. I'm not one to talk about boobs, since I myself have a small set, but christ at least I've got something. High fashion is meant for maniquins, and people should NOT look like maniquins. Why is the definition of "beauty" something made of cloth, plastic or wood or what have you, rather than the way a persons eyes flicker in light, or the facial expressions they make in their innocent moments. One's people don't notice because they can't find beauty in simplicity. I don't know. whatever.
At least I can indulge in something like french toast and not have recurring thoughts of "oh the calories...oh the audacity, i'm such a cow." I like living life with no strings attached to my food.

A positive attitude burns calories.
get on that.
embrace yourself, not kill yourself.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

I honestly believe

that the flaws in people are the most beautiful.

Thursday, May 28, 2009


My heart feels more like a burial ground.
Everything I love is falling apart.
Everything, everyone, I hold in my heart is a memory.
I want to revive it all, breathe life back into them. But I know I can't. I wish with all the strength I have that things will get better. That I seriously don't have to go through this again, not now.
Theres no streetlight shining on the road to guide me home. There is no wind to push me in the right direction, no gentle hand pushing me towards the right path. All I have is my heart, and my gut. I need to trust in them more now than I ever have.
Clean up the weeds growing and twisting around inside, Destroy the rage that's been boiling in my throat, craving to come out. I want to unleash it all on her. I want to tell her how she broke everything. But I know it won't do anything. Accosting her never did shit.
It's not how it should be, but you made it this way. You and your weak attempt at being family.
My friends care more about me than you ever did.
I do not tolerate self-pity, I do not tolerate uneducated, immoral, inconsiderate, selfish twits. I do not, and will not, tolerate another broken family. I won't allow it to happen, I can't.
I'm going to keep my head up, I won't waver, I won't break in the face of all this. I know I've got it in me. I'm going to find the beauty even if it kills me.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

nom nom.

I would kill for a hot cup of french vanilla coffee.
(Light and sweet just like me!)
My fucking brain.
I want a cute tattooed boy.
So I can trace his outlines with my finger and kiss the dark shading.
And tell him how perfect it is, he is.
and how lucky he is to be with me.
that's nto going to happen.
because I can't find love anywhere.
and I give up right now.
But I'm so stoked I just got done working out, exercising.
I feel so good right now, the tension in my shoulders feels comforting.
I'm stronger in my blood and in my heart.
figurativly, and literally, because I just took my vitimans.
I love how British people prenounce that.
so perfect.
mindless sputter of words, that was.
goodnight all <3

Sunday, May 24, 2009

I just don't fucking care anymore.

First dad.
Then my sister.
Now you.

You're ruining your life on your own, I'm done defending you. Is it worth it?
Do you really want my pity?
I don't sympathize with you, because I've gone through the drug addict dad and drug addict sister. I pity you.
You're pathetic.
I wish I wasn't so nice, I wish I hadn't helped you for so long, I wish I wasn't caught in the middle. I need to tell someone, you need help and you're too hopeless to get it on your own.
Go ahead, hide behind your facade of rage, you're image of rebellion. Keep telling yourself you're the only one, that your life sucks and everyone hates you. It's only true because you keep pushing it onto people. People believe what they see, what you put out there. You want attention so bad do it for the right fucking reasons. Save something, do something, don't fucking destroy yourself and cry about it. I hate the sound of your crying now, it's awful. I wish it never got this bad.
I love you but you live your life in the saddest way I've ever fucking seen.

Thursday, May 21, 2009


I need to finish my financial aid.
I need to gather money for graduation, for a road trip, for the upcoming shows, for travel.
I need to sleep a full 8 hours.
I need to finish my xp project before wednesday.
I can not wait until summer. I can't wait to make new friends.
Or at least make a full attempt at closing off the shyness about me.
In English class we're reading "A Streetcar Named Desire," and I play the role of Blanche. The play I think is really actually very good, the throwback feel of it is nice. I didn't know that I was playing an alcoholic flirtatious, almost cocky, douchebag though. I mean thats the vibe I get from her right now. but we've only just begun. A lot of kids in class thought it was funny since I'm straight edge, but I'm reading about tossing whiskey. I thought it was pretty entertaining.
Like 4 girls told me I looked like Audrey Hepburn today. That I had a classy look or something like that.
It was a little random but I'm not complaining!
I'm so tired. I want to drink some tea.
holy crap I learned how to make the best tea and/or coffee ever!
You pour the half and half and sugar in before the tea or coffee, and mix it up until it looks creamy, or tanish. It actually tastes like frosting, it's delicious. But then you pour the coffee in, or tea, and mix it while you pour. It's so good, and you can taste the difference.
alrighty. nothing more to say for now.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


It felt like daggers. Surrounding my skin and taking every inch captive. I could see walls of white all around, my hands slipping to every touch. My ankles were bound together with panic. I couldn't swim, but I couldn't allow myself to sink. Behind my brown eyes built a pressure, a lack of oxygen to my brain, my blood, my heart. My lungs faught hard against my bones, determind to crack just for a breath. The tears blended in with the rest of the water. I couldn't tell which peice of dismay was mine. They meant nothing. They do nothing, these tears. Just holding me underwater with the rest of their angst. I tell myself - No, Fight. Fight more, don't lose yet. My hair is like silk, softly brushed away by the silence around me.I dig my nails into the cold sheets before me. Shake it loose, shake the worry off. Some hidden scream climbs up my throat and I'm struggling to make them hear. Climbing taller and faster. Harder and sterner. My heart will never grow cold, the ice will not freeze the only thing I have left.

Right. That was shitty but this is my blog and I write what I please. I can't wait to remember I had a blogger when I'm like 30, and look back and laugh at all the silly things I've written.
I'm watching this movie called "Elephant." I'm fairly certain it's based on Columbine, but it's not that bad. Except the scene I'm watching now just showed the three "prissy" girls, and they bitched about how much fat is in their salad dressing, then gossiped about a boy they want to fuck, who has a girlfriend, and then made the riveting plans to go shopping later. Now theyve all walked into the stalls said something about "the weird girl in gym" and all three proceeded to puke their brains out. Together, like true bffz. How sweet.
"Hurricane Streets" was one earlier, and I loved it so much. It's such an incredible movie.
I need to read some new books.

Any Ideas?

Monday, May 18, 2009

The only pretty thing I've seen in Troy.

Hello, ego.

"Women are the most confusing species on the planet. They never know what they want."


Men are the most confusing creatures in the world. I can't figure any of you people out.

And for those of you who agree with the above statement, you're looking at the wrong women, or girls, I should say.
I know what I want.
and It's simple.
I don't want you to spoil me. I don't want you to need to hangout on a daily basis. I don't want you too feel obligated to call me, or text me. I don't want you to need me. I don't want you too cheat on me, or lie to me. That's it.

I want you to be yourself, and be comfortable enough with me to do anything. I want you to be rediculously silly and fun, I want you to distract me when I'm upset. I want you to want your friends to meet me, because I'm just so awesome you can't keep me under wraps. I do want a boy to want to text me. Not so much calling because I have a stupid, childish voice over the phone. At least that's what I think. I just want to friggen cuddle. I want a boy to kiss, whenever I please, wherever I please.
But since I'm not a creepy slut, I don't really go much for massive PDA. You know who I'm talking about, that couple under the stairs by the girls gym, or the massivly-in-love-couple that have been dating for 2 weeks who want to expand their intimicy on your locker. No, I'm totally not up for that.
This girl is a passionate, rare, real, great thing. Somewhat like a drug you want all to yourself. So you keep it behind closed doors, NOT ON SOMEONES LOCKER.
Yeah. I did it.
I compared my kisses to a drug.
Fight me.
...But this is strictly based on the fact that my ex said so.
Names are not of any importance.
but it still makes my day just thinking about it.
You missed out.

I'm not the kind of girl who flirts with your friends, or flirts with random dudes when I'm in a relationship. It just feels wrong. I'm not the kind of girl who will lie about stupid silly shit, like, for example, most girls when they're with you, not saying anything, you ask "What's wrong?"
They reply with the usual, "nothing."
So why do girls just avoid it. Sitting there acting like that is asking for attention. You're asking to be asked, so give a real honest answer, douche bags.
I don't play games, I'm up front and honest. But usually I'm too busy making you smile and say "awwww, you're so cute!"
If you're one of those guys that says "I love you" after a month, a week, or a day, move on now.


It's been so long since I've cuddled with a boy.
Where is the boy of my dreams? Please who ever you are, find me :(


if you're going to text me, and then I respond, and then ignore me for the rest of the day, save me the time and frustration and DON'T BOTHER.

I hope this doesn't make me sound cocky.
I'm the furthest thing from that.

August 2009

My new life begins.
Break free from procrastination, lazyness.
Expand my mind, create new rooms for new knowledge.
I can't keep living like this.
I need tunnel vision on this goal, this needs to happen for me.
I need to dig deep for the motivatoin, but I know its there. Flowing beneath the surface.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

a river raging.

I am so torn.
Every single time I think about last thursday I just cry. It's an uncontrolable downfall of tears. I'm so drained, even when I feel like I can't cry anymore, I find a way to do it.
Should I pity her? Should I sympathize with her, when I've gone through every single thing she has. When we've gone through everything together, and she handles it in a self destroying way.
I don't know what to do.
For once, I don't have the answers.
I wish my mom would stop coming to me for an opinion, I know it's because shes lost, but I can't point her in the right direction. I'm not a parent, This is certainly not my place to act like one either.

When will you open your fucking eyes?

Friday, May 15, 2009

I play with fire just to break the ice.

I want to bake cupcakes.
or a cake.

I just want to cook, or bake, or something.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Let's play catch up!

Okay so I came back from the farm a few days ago and I've been so busy since then. The first thing I did when I got home was take a long hot shower, than snuggle up below my blanket for what felt like the best nap, ever. I got to talk to W, and I haven't talked to him in SO long. I missed his advice, it was nice to talk to an old friend. He gave me alot to think about on the topic of being shy, and did this sort of "role-play" deal, where we faked being strangers. It worked a little bit. He told me that I should see it as I have nothing to lose, and he's right. He told me that if I attempted to talk to someone, and they just acted like complete dickhole, then they just aren't worth it.

A police car is parked up my street shining a light on my porch telling my sister's friends to get off our porch. wtf.

Uhm. Okay so anyways. I really want someone to cuddle with. Someone that can make me laugh until I cry. :( I don't want to be alone any more. But I can't stand the thought of depending on someone. I just want to share everything.

Today I skipped out early since the teacher was gone, and I got home and hung out with kaylee, evan, asa, and ian. Oh so obnoxious those three are. Asa & Evan took off their clothes and put on kaylee's old t-shirts, from her tomboy/goth stage, while fucking Ian put on her size 0 skinny jeans and tight ass sweater. He tried to fight me on everything today, whether it be the rules of straight edge, health care in the United States, or some shit about a Utopia.
dude seriously, a Utopia is fabricated up by man's dreams. It never has happend and it never will. In a world where corruption and greed rule the hearts and minds of many, there is no way perfection in the world will exsist. There is no use in even arguing a utopia, it's such a waste of breath, of words. I told him this and he kept running in circles. I told him that the difference between the American Government and those of say Britain or France is that we fear our government. We cower at the thought of revolting, but there are still few brave of us to walk the streets. Where as in France thousands march every day for a just cause, the government there fears their people, so they do almost anything they can too meet their needs.
Then we got on the topic of socialized healthcare, i.e. Canada vs. United States.
Canadians seem so selfless, they don't mind their tax dollars going to help someone in need. While if you're filthy rich in the United States the thought of paying for someone elses medical needs never crosses your mind. It seems to me as though people are far more united in other countries than in the UNITED states of America.
I'm totally going to get my ass kicked or something for talking about this.
Michael Moore's SICKO made me think, however biast, and so did all the arguments with Ian.
That's not to say America sucks, because it doesn't. We have so many oppourtunites here, more than most. We have, obviously, a lot more freedoms also. I'm very content here, so far. But nothings going to stop me to see if the grass is greener on the other side.
After that was all over I played him in a game of badmitten, needless to say I ruined him with my classy sportsman ship.
Amanda came over after, and we had so much fun. I can't say I've laughed that hard for such a long amount of time in one day, in a while. Sweet run-on sentence.
We stopped at her moms house and grabbed some money and went to snow mans. We both got regular vanilla ice cream cones topped with rainbow sprinkles. We than sat in her car and made rude faces at the people who stared at us eating. There was one woman in particular who just did not blink. She just kept staring at us. So Amanda and I started making obscene gestures with our ice cream cones, but only for a second before we laughed so hard Amanda spit freaking ice cream all over the car. slob she is, but i love my best friend. I guess you just had to be there to know how fun it was. We went back to the RPI feilds after and played some football. We destroyed each other's fingers with the football, gave up, and went back to my house. We had a horn contest with her Oldsmobile and kay's Ford. I say the Acheiva won because I hate fords, Mercury Mystiques or whatever. fuck them.


I still need to look up information on train shit. I've always wanted to go to the city by train, and ellie might come with me. I haven't seen her in so long!! I miss her a lot. I hope we can just hangout in central park with coffee or something and talk about the gap in between.
I'm so tired.
It's exercise time.
then Shower time.

I want to cuddle with someone again :(
I wish there was someone out there for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

gay there is, but I just haven't found him yet.
or he hasn't found me.


Friday, May 8, 2009

Whatever happend to the brooklyn dodgers?

(Whatever happend to me?)

This week was pretty good.
I exchanged music with my new friend, and he gave me the leaked demos from I Am the Avalance, it's wicked catchy!
I'm listening to it right now, and it puts me in such an upbeat mood.

Today my sister and I skipped first & second period to grab some coffee at the union, where she was so obviously eye fondled by one of the students there. Lucky I don't have huge boobs like her otherwise I would bitch about it in this sweet xblogx.
It was really nice, I haven't really had a heart to heart conversation with her in a really long time. I had alot of issues to cover with her, all the fucked up things she did to me. We haven't completely resolved them, but at least they're out there on the table.
We wanted to walk home so I could help her with her english, but my mom had the day off, so we bipassed our street and walked to school instead. We made it to the beginning of 4th, and I had economics. We're watching SICKO, a Michael Moore film. I really enjoyed it, though it tugged at my heart a little.
The fucking insurance programs, they pull some bullshit out of thin air. I know that his films are biast, but there really are somethings you can't really fight him on. The whole "pre-exsisting conditions" bit, that is so outrageous. How can you live with yourself, putting a price on a persons life? A living, breatheing, feeling, person? Just as alive as you. You've got blood and bones just like everyone else, but you're so Godly you can price their heads. My Uncle would still be alive if it wasn't for you fucks.
I'm anticipating the next part of the movie, I want to see where it all leads. For such a great Country, we sure do have a lot of suffering. If you're not making over 6 figures, you're pushed past.
We are the forgotten.

I hope my friends that are going into politics make it there.
Try to fix this system, this corrupt ass bullshit.
Just don't become one. Don't lose yourself in all of it.

My ceramics project got fired yesterday after I glazed it, I'm a little disapointed at how the edges are, it's not that clean. But it's a cute little design, Mike Giant inspired me. If you don't know who that is, get into it. He's so amazing at everything he does, Graffiti, Tattoos, and his Fine Art is bomb!
I'm off too pack for the weekend.
Bye everyone! :)

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Preston Hollow this weekend!


I'm going to Preston Hollow this weekend with Amanda. I haven't been there in so long, these pictures are from the last time I visited. I love getting out of the city and breathing clean air. She has a little farm with a ton of little animals to play with, and I get to re-meet her baby sister!
I'll be leaving after classes tomorrow, I'll be gone all weekend :)

I'm so excited.

a new adventure!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

a girl asked me for a ring & I put one around her whole eye.

**This is not complaining, this is just a discussion of my day. I just feel the need to point that out.

One-A-Day, Vitamin E capsules, Biotin, Vitamin C chewables and weekly shots.

But I will say this:

OUCH. My arms hurt so bad from shots today, They're all swollen and the nurse, every time she shot me she said "...just a little pinch.." That makes it SO much worse. It's when I don't anticipate it, that's when it's painless. When you sit there and basically say you're peircing through my skin with a fine needle three different times, It seems to hurt much worse.

I realized today that I despise the people who purposely make themselves stand out, then bitch and moan about how the world hates them because they're different.
(Military Police by Outbreak is the perfect theme for this.)
You're the assbag that dyed your hair 2394802 different colors.
You're the douche that wears pajama pants to school with some whiney emo band t-shirt that does not match at all.
You're the one who strives for attention in bragging about "cutting" and your attempted "suicide."
Do you ever stop to think about people with real issues? Maybe a traumatized soilder with depression? A new mother with Post pardum depression? People with real physcological disorders?
No. Instead you lock yourself inside your room refreshing your myspace page hundreds of times until some dweeb friend requests you and asks for n00dz. Which you'd most likely give up for some compliments. You try in the worst ways to get people to notice you.
Why not just be social. Be nice. I promise it goes along way.
The things I hear in the halls of Troy High. It's unbelievable.
Grow up.

The world will eat you alive you selfish peice of shit.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

I'm here.

Waiting for you too sweep me off my feet.
Wherever you are.
Whoever you are.
This game of hide & seek is getting old, I'm tired of seeking and I'm tired of hideing.

I feel sick.

Monday, May 4, 2009

the lights will guide you home.

(and I will try to fix you.)

I feel like I'm drowning.
Time is closing in slowly, but surely.
I'm trapped under ice. There isn't a crack to breathe out of either.

I can't place these feelings, It's a shame that i'm just starting to crawl out my shell senior year.
And even though I haven't talked to more than half my class, I still feel like I'm going to miss them.
A part of me I never noticed is dying to come out, but it's a sad part. I feel like I want to cry.
But I'm holding back, no tears for parting.
It's a part of life.
Things change. People leave.
I've learned this far too many times.

My vision is blurred. I need a hug.
Someone, anyone, offer me one. Please.

I just want to hide away in someones arms, just for one second.

I don't want my friends to leave and make new ones.
Especially Amanda, she's family, no matter what.
I guess in some cases such as ours, water is thicker than blood.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

no more.

broken promises.
tomorrow is a new day.
a new everything.
no. more.

my titles are most misleading.

Every night I lay awake hoping that this time, this time maybe I can get a full 8 hours in.

I can't find peace in myself to sleep. I woke up this morning, my eyes were so heavy. I hardly recognized myself at first. It's not even like there's anything wrong, I'm just constantly thinking. Always thinking. I just want to stop, and relax. Just breathe, even if it's only for a moment. Yesterday as I was waiting for Amanda, I started thinking about everything from the crack in the sidewalk to the fact that most homes in Britain are so crammed together, and that I wonder if I could ever be comfortable being so close. So close that the neighbors would scream at me for the speakers being so loud, blowing out their eardrums and mine. I feel like the universe is slapping me in the face every time I see an adorable pair of hands being held. It's been so long since I've held hands with someone. And I feel so redundant, because most of the posts on this go right back to having someone to care about.
It's not that I need someone. You can never need, or depend, or center on anyone. That would be an easy way to lose yourself, and everything "unique" about you. I could never do that again. I refuse to depend on any person other than me. I did it ONCE, and that was perhaps the biggest mistake I could have ever made. I built up what I thought was close to perfection, just to fall flat on my face. He found someone he thought was better and left. As cruel as it sounds, the satisfaction that the girl he left me for cheats on him on an hourly basis, makes it so much better. I was perfect. I did everything right, but he couldn't handle a real, genuine, beautiful girl.
But on the upside, she did me a favor, at least I found out who he was then before I spent more precious hours of my life to be wasted on him.
I think simplicity is amazing. That being said, All I want, is a boy to laugh with. To talk about anything and everything with no pauses in between. I want to kiss him whenever I please, regardless of who may be near. I want to wake in their arms to the light pouring down onto us through the window.

I've found my independence. Now I want to find a boy to be independent with.
Make sense?
Figure it.

Apart from that, I'm swamped with paperwork and forms to fill out. I need to get on that soon.
I'm going to write myself a set of goals. Starting out small, and then working my way up from that.
I need to refocus.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

for those of you who don't know

I am a twin. I have a twin sister.
Her name is Kaylee, and shes on the left. I'm on the right.
I swear to fucking god if one more guy says "yeah dude I'm gunna try and get with the other twin to get back at kaylee for rejecting me" I will ruin you.
I will ruin your fucking life.
I don't date pathetic, disgusting, losers.
So if you can't get with her, I promise you it'll be 40 times harder to get with me.
Don't even try.
I don't deserve to be second best, to anyone, including my twin.
I deserve a boy who has eyes for ME, no one else.
fuck this shit, it's getting old.
Grow up douchebags.

Friday, May 1, 2009

my leg is asleep, i'm losing weight and i'm drinking tea.

I had to listen to a girl today whose deepest conversation of her life was whether or not she should put her hair up or down for prom.

All day long I'm surrounded by narcassistic, yet insecure douchebags. I always feel them glaring at me, I bet they can see right into my soul. hah.

In xp class I was reading the bio of Mike Giant, and the only thing I could hear was the constant jabber of "drama" that seems to be coursing through the school. Some girl slept with some guy that wasn't supposed to be slept with. Another girl talked shit about a girl that she obviously shouldn't have talked shit about. The same bullshit that I've heard since 7th grade. This girl asked for my opinion and the only thing I said was "It won't matter in two months, save your breath and just don't worry about it. It's just sociopathic bull."
She wasn't happy with my answer. I think she wanted me to verbally tag team this girl she was talking about, but I ain't down to fuck around.
I mean really girls, really?

Doesn't being catty ever get old? Doesn't it get boring to just talk about people in the worst ways possible, just to gain attention from people? Why can't you obtain it in other ways, that actually benefit you, other than giving you the name "loud-mouthed bitch."

I missed out on all the "fun" I guess. I was too busy being forced to grow up.I'm 17, and I feel like I've lived the longest life ever. I pay my parents rent. I buy my own groceries, I have to find my own ways around because I can't depend on my parents, and I always feel so low asking my friends. I get guilted into babysitting for endless hours because of the shit that happend to my sister. Who is having another baby today. Which is another guilt trip I'll be on. But he's going to be such a gorgeous little baby.
I have to lock my bedroom door like I'm leaving some kind of apartment, because my sister steals 200 dollars, cameras, debit cards, clothes. It's so frustrating. All the shit that happens though, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I had a conversation with my friend danny about that last night. "the world is shit, and theres nothing you can do about it." He's right, but I think I'm right too.
Despite my nowhere-to-be-found drug addict dad, my missing little sister, my late friends, I don't think I'd want anyone else's life.This is mine, and I can make it into what I want.I choose to find the beauty in these situations. Straight Edge came from my family, Standing up for what I believe in, never faultering, that comes from my late friends.
I miss david and alex.
I wish they were still here to see how good I turned out.

I can't wait to get out of this city.
I can't wait to fall in love again.
I can't wait to kiss someone who cares about me.
I can't wait to cuddle with a boy again.
I can't wait to go to Dublin.
I can't wait to go to this party this weekend.
and I can't wait to show the world everything I've got.

These things will happen, I know it.