Monday, January 26, 2009


I feel so stupid, Like I get so excited meeting new people, and I think it comes off like too antsy. I don't really think before I speak, and it sometimes gets me into trouble. I don't mean to come off "weird," I just have a ton of energy and get wicked excited. Oh well I guess.
High school is sooooo dramatic. Ever since about 7th grade people have named me the quiet weird girl, or nothing at all because no one really knows i exsist. The only people who care are outside of school. Like seriously all of my best friends are like 19+. But they act like kids haha. I can't wait to be in California.
But anyway. I never really think about how to not be shy. It's just always been like that. It's not that I care what people think about me, I just don't know how to be loud. When i was in 1st grade I didn't know how to talk loud, what I thought was screaming was a whisper to everyone else so I had to go into speach therapy for a year. Not because I was dumb or had a lisp or a studder, just because I couldn't talk loud. It was rediculous. I just wish people were more accepting and less judgemental about the shy kids, we have feelings too!
I listened to outbreak in the car. A.S. is the best fucking song I have ever heard. ANTISOCIAL! (j.d., your turn). Dillan was in the backseat while i was singing military police and I think he was weirded out, not by my singing, but by kaylees fucking frightfull driving. I kept kicking him in the back of the knee when he stood in front of me. He's so easy to hurt! (i'm still not sorry dillan, you kept throwing swedish fish at me.) Kristen is so fun to hangout with. I think I want to have a party before I move to cali, and I'm making everyone come hangout. Old friends, new friends, future friends.
I wish I could go to the valentines dance, but I don't have a date. I just want to go to everything I can this senior year so I'm not a total nobody when I graduate. Jared is trying so hard to get me to go so he kaylee and I can "boogey down." He's a nerd haha. I'm not going as a third wheel. lame!
California is calling my name. My best friend lives too far away! :( But soon we'll be car dancing to signs of hope, who cares, and minor threat, and gorilla biscuits, and outbreak. and Kaylee and JEWlian are going to disapear for a few weeks because they'll be all over each other I'm sure, and we'll be like "yo man, that is not our style, let's go get some milkshakes...we're just a minor threat..." I'm so happy we're friends. I hope we stay this way forever. nothing will break this friendship, and i hope thats all we are forever, because you matter so much to me! prepare for emotional abuse and cartoon marathons!!! haha i'm an asshole.

Saturday, January 24, 2009



and more fucking money.

I'm trying to figure out how i'm going to pay for school, rent/bills, car, personal, groceries, and everything in between. If California DOES happen, It really is all up to me to put everything in place. I NEED to stop procrastinating and being lazy, my mind always wonders back to the past, and i think about it more than I can think about my future. I know j.d. is reading this and I know he's going to say "but i'm here to help!" and I know you are ju, but I have to do some of this on my own. It'll help me grow up. Look how good everything turned out for you and you started off not knowing a soul in cali, and now youre all set. I want to have the struggle, I want to grow from my expeirences. It sounds so dumb because I want the hard way, So it'll help me figure out who I am and put my life together. But the other half of me is screaming "take the easy way!! find an easier way!!" but i'm so sick of being lazy. ughgjfklasdjfa. I'm so frustrated! But I'm destined to do something great with my life. I want to at least, so i'm going to make it happen.
On a lighter note, I love everything else about life right now. I honestly have no idea. I think since I broke up with mike I've had a surge of self-acceptance and self-respect. I grew a back bone and got rid of the one person I loved because He treated me like fucking shit. No matter how much I cared, or tried, he didn't. and He didn't care so I took it into my own hands and did what was right for me. I couldn't be happier. I don' t give two shits what anyone else could think or say about me, as long as I'm happy with myself, who the fuck cares?
I sound like a broken record. It's like every thing I write goes back to the same thing.
I bought p-nut a new toy the other day, and he's already chewed thru it's feet. Sierra's party was SO much fun last night! her cousin is a riot, shes so sassy. I wish I could have stayed but we can't drive past 9ish. so yeah.
okay. I have to clean my room before my mom rips my face off.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

liars and losers.

I see all of them walking with a false confidence. They wear their sex appeal like a watch, ticking down the time until they think they're worthy enough for a man's attention. Their shirts down low and their skirts hiked high, nobody notices the self hatred, the insecurities behind their caked up eyes. Why is it they need to let their boobs hang out so a guy can flash them the "wow, youre hot enough to fuck" look? I just don't understand why they do what they do. Why do you need a guy to love you? why do you NEED someone to approve you before you allow yourself to love who you are? A girl I know told me she was in the hospital because she tried to kill herself, when I asked her why she said it was because her boyfriend didn't like her. I couldn't feel sorry for her. Honestly all I wanted to do was scream at her and hurt her. It's so fucking stupid. Sure, love is great. Waking up in the arms of somebody who loves you inside and out is great. but you can't change who you are, you can't sell yourself out for a fucking dude. There is something about everyone that makes them beautiful, and you have to recognize it so you can show the world. Don't wait for a guy to tell you what it is. A man should love you when youre being dumb, smart, ugly, pretty, inside and out. for everything you are and everything you want to be, just as you should for them. Find your "flaws" and love them, because it's who you are. People see you as you see yourself. I'm not one for boob shirts and booty shorts in public, because I don't want a guy to look at me like he wants to fuck me. I want his look to be honest, and sweet, look at me like i'm something more than a quickie, because I am more than that. I'm a passionate sensible girl, the whole package, and if you refuse to see it than fuck you, it's your loss, your regrets. I don't need someone to make me feel comfortable in my own skin, I do that on my own.
Girls. Stop acting cut-throat and snotty, you let your insecurites fly out and someone will ruin you for it. The world won't hold your fucking hand when someone knocks you down.
Just grow up. Accept yourself because youre the only person who will be there, forever.
i still really don't like girls.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

my top 5.

have heart - the things we carry
verse - from anger to rage
gorilla biscuits - start today
underdog - demos
minor threat - out of step

I can't stand people who try to impress everyone by looking these up and pretending they know everything about these bands. Just listen. Listen to the lyrics. listen to the intensity, stop caring what people fucking think, stop caring if it'll make you fit in. Do it for you, listen to the music FOR the music.

have heart is my favorite ever. I can relate to everything in that album.

Monday, January 19, 2009


I miss you tuck! I hope you found a good home.


is full of shit.



If I could I would.

I found this in my computer while trying to clean out all the junk files. It might be funny for me to look back in down the road, so I can delete off my computer and keep it here for now. Before you watch the video, let me just clarify I was bored, and I was totally immature and retarded and dating someone I was completely in love with that treated me like garbage, i was a love sick puppy, and I hate this but It's me, so either way i'm going to accept it. It's like 4-5 months old, because its when i wasn't single, and obviously not as put together as i am now. I've changed so much since then, in this short amount of time. I don't sound that dumb in person. seriously, i sound like a fucking dumb bitch with no sense of knowledge or integrity in this video. But I've gained so much since then, so that was my warning. This is old, and I'm better than that now. I love who I've become since then.
P.S. bear grylls from man vs. wild is amazing. !
I sincerely hope I don't gain any stalkers from this.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

I love my nephew.

I love him!

he's the cutest nephew in the world!

Saturday, January 17, 2009


I'm so incredibly bored at the moment.
I remember some years ago I always borrowed people's dreams. I would find someone I could get along with because there was something in them I wanted to have, something that I wanted to be like me. I think that could be partially why I ended up getting so hurt all the time. I wasn't living by my terms, my dreams. It was all someone else.
But now, after my last relationship, I've become so involved and intertwined with my dreams, and my future. He treated me like shit, honestly no guy had ever hurt me like that. And i'm so fucking done with all of that bullshit. A guy WILL love me for who I am, take it or leave it, I will never fucking adapt to what a person wants me to be ever again. and I feel so stupid for even doing it in the first place, I was a blindly in love girl, all i wanted in life was a boy and home, simple. but now things have changed, to me now that seems like a stupid idea. I'm going to make my own way, make my own money. College will change everything, high school is so dramatic and immature and downright pathetic. It's filled with people running for a beauty contest; and i don't believe thats how life should be lived, at least mine won't be. I know i'm pretty, and I have a gold heart, and I love everything about myself - mind you not on an arrogant cocky level, just acceptance, which i feel is really rare in girls my age. I love english, and literature. I love shakespere and his underlying lessons. I love analyzing the old ways of spoken proper english, where people pronounced library correctly. I love everything about it, and I want to get my phd in english. i WILL get my phd in english, regardless of the obsticles and all the hard work. I'm going to have an AUDI TT and my dreams will come true. a guy will come along and fall into place, but as of now i'm not looking.


I'm so so so so excited! I keep dreaming of my own little apartment, with my personal touches all over it. Down to the ceramic bowls and plates. I want the sun to pour through my windows early in the morning, I want to wake at my own time on the weekends and have a nice cup of coffee.

So far today I woke up late, ran around trying to make the dog stop dragging his ass on the floor and I met kay's tutor. Then I had to scramble around to find stamps and drive to the post office. and now i'm writing this because it's the only moment I think I might have to write something in here. I'm watching "The Namesake," while I'm writing. It's really touching and I really like it. I tried to get some water from the fridge but it smelled like dirt. and my step-dad kept sticking his nose in it so i poured it down the drain. My mom is buying a new dishwasher, and for some reason I'm semi-excited. I'm always excited when new appliances come in that I can accidently break. but I kinda like washing dishes, I can think about anything and peanut always lays on my feet. weird, I know. Right now i'm trying to debate whether I should go downstairs and be obnoxious while kay learns about co-signs or whatever. but i doubt i will. I think i'm going to go clean this disgusting room. Maybe I can shuffle out all this shit on my mind and relax a little.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Tomorrow is almost here.

Today I bought a 1.5 liter of white tea with rasberry, I have found my new love.
I want to curl up with this drink on that couch reading a book with my puppy at my feet and my loved one by my side.

so happy.

Nothing will sink my ship.
Nothing will break me down.
My heart will steer me in the right direction.
My hope will halt the unforgiving waves.
This mind of mine will find the route to success.
This is me, This is life.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


A Found Poem

My life had felt like one long night.
It’s seven times cursed,
seven times sealed.
My dreams to dust,
just nocturnal silence
beneath a silent blue sky.
Deprived of the desire to live,
I can only hope
for my soul’s survival.

Stay Gold, Pony Boy.

For Nicolai & Diana: I love you, everything will be okay.

My life seems unbearable to other people who haven't gone through what I have. The ones blind to true loss. Death is awful to face, Especially when it's someone close to you lost. But what's worse than death is living with a ghost. Someone who isn't dead but sure as hell try to be. I hate who I'm apart of. I hate my father. Selfish and self-centered I hate who he is. They say he's sick, he's too lost in himself and his fucking drugs to do anything. I think that is complete and total bullshit. You look at the tattoo of your daughters names and you tell yourself its alright to keep doing what you do. Where is Diana? do you know? because i dont, and if i did you fucking know I'd take her. How can you stick a needle in your arm or smoke a rock and not regret not seeing your twin girls grow up into full hearted beautiful women? I can't see your face anymore, I don't remember you. I only remember seeing a pipe and a fist full of drugs infront of a blurry face. I remember being alone at 5 years old with a screaming baby not knowing what to do or who to call because you wanted to get high for a few hours. I remember a "dad" that was high on crack all day every day. I would hate to be you sober, I really would. But if there is anything i could ever appreciate out of you, it's leaving rather than staying, and it's diana. You gave me a beautiful and intelligent little sister. I wish you took better care of her, once I'm 18 I'm finding her and I'm taking her from this shithole. I don't want to be apart of you, but I am. So if you show up in court, don't expect a smile. You made my mom cry so many times, and you let me blame myself. You taught tonya everything, you used her for lies, drugs. Now where is she? shes recovering from the very drug you brought into our home. She let it overtake her and let her child fall for it. he's the sweetest most beautiful boy i've ever seen, and he's living in a nightmare. Luckly tonya is stronger than you were and is slowly, but surely recovering. His dad though, is a different story. I promise him that it will be okay for nicolai, and when he's old enough to fully understand i'll tell him what my mom told me; it isn't your fault.
As much as it is easy to hate you, I still feel somewhat guilty. I love you for leaving me, If you were still in my life it would have fucked me up worse than it did when i was a child.
When my uncle dave died, everything crumbled. He was the dad I hadn't had, and kaylee took it harder than anyone. I loved him and i feel so guilty for not mourning still. I love kaylee and I want to tell her we don't need to give guys a reason to stay anymore, we don't need to make them stay with us, they should WANT to be with us. Dad was a shitty story, we couldnt have made him stay with us no matter what we did, and uncle dave is still in your heart, he loved you more than anything. It hurts so much to see you act the way you do.

I feel stubborn, like I refuse to look at things through other people's eyes, and I really feel like it's stupid too. Even with kaylee, she's being stupid. The guy your with treats you like SHIT, and your willing to fuck your family over for him? No. I don't feel sorry for you, and I have no sympathy. It's stupid to love dad and it's stupid to be with a guy that treats you wrong. You deserve someone to love you and actually be there for you.
I see things so differently. I think that your weak if you use drugs, that you're a coward. You need fucking drugs to "solve" your problems? no. you're putting shit on hold, so you can either die or run away from the world. I think a god that lets people rape others as a lesson is noone to worship. I think the most valueable thing you can posses is your mind, and your heart. Keep your heart open and you can see the world. I love my life, and I love my friends. I love music I can relate too, I love straight edge because I know there are people who have gone through what I have. I don't think my life sucks because my dad sucks, I don't think living miserably over it is worth anything. I don't think crying does shit anymore, and I'm not going to waste my time worrying about peoples lives when they don't even care about themselves. I believe in myself, I believe in hope, and I believe in staying focused on the better things in life.

Straight edge is the only thing I can count on. The one thing that won't break. I will stand here with a heart thats pure and armed with a mind, and I'll take everything this shitty world throws at me and twist it back so fucking hard it'll knock you off your feet. Watch. Me. Rise.

If you think I'm annoying for sharing this, fuck you. The only reason I even talk about it is so I don't sit home and cry about it alone, so I can show people that drugs fuck more than the person that's doing it.

I hope whoever is reading this doesn't think i'm a total bitch, I just have alot of angst, and sortof rage built up from being a kid. I hate seeing my nephew go through what i did x2. I am a happy person, and I love life to the fullest, new things and new people excite me, Get to know me before you judge me.

Monday, January 12, 2009

first impressions are always vital.

meet my future. I am so excited to have an irish wolfhound. what what!
if it's a boy, i'm gunna name it patrick, if it's a girl, than i'll name it keeva.

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Sunday, January 11, 2009

im such a douchebag.

I'm drawing a blank. I know what I want to write, I just cant mend the words together to make it sound right. In six months, I'll be out of this house, of this city, of this state. 3,000 miles away from everything I know, everyone. I'm leaving my past, my regrets all behind. A new and exciting start. I'm not even sure what my future holds. It's a little like driving. When youre the passenger, and life is your driver. She's speeding, going 70 in a 30. and you're trying to keep your focus on one part of the view in front, but all the turns and shifts and swerves keep making you lose your point. So you're trying to stare at the future, trying to figure out what could possibly come next, and the car screams by the exit you should've taken. A little panic starts to creep up your spine, could we be lost now? are we ever going to make it home? the driver is calm while youre busy losing your mind. but there is always another exit, she says, always another way to find home. Life is full of twists and turns you should've taken, but its always building new roads to take. I want to discover and explore every single road. Yes, I'm nervous, I'll be on my own for real, for the first time. But i'm so excited to rise above every thing this cruel world throws at me. I'm excited to make something of myself, to show everyone nice kids DONT finish last.
California is a completly different everything. the people, the shows, the weather, just everything. I've got my best friend out there though, and I know he'll help me get my shit together, just enough push to get me out into the real world. I'm so happy I got jd to help me out, to motivate me. I feel like such a moocher, he's going to let me live with him right off the bat, and buy puppies! he's doing to much, i tell him this all the time but he's a stubborn little man. If you're reading this bean, then thank you, for the support and motivation, and help with everything. I can't wait to see you! My future thanks too.

My life. My choices. My happiness, it's all that matters.

Sunday, January 4, 2009