Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Stay Gold, Pony Boy.

For Nicolai & Diana: I love you, everything will be okay.

My life seems unbearable to other people who haven't gone through what I have. The ones blind to true loss. Death is awful to face, Especially when it's someone close to you lost. But what's worse than death is living with a ghost. Someone who isn't dead but sure as hell try to be. I hate who I'm apart of. I hate my father. Selfish and self-centered I hate who he is. They say he's sick, he's too lost in himself and his fucking drugs to do anything. I think that is complete and total bullshit. You look at the tattoo of your daughters names and you tell yourself its alright to keep doing what you do. Where is Diana? do you know? because i dont, and if i did you fucking know I'd take her. How can you stick a needle in your arm or smoke a rock and not regret not seeing your twin girls grow up into full hearted beautiful women? I can't see your face anymore, I don't remember you. I only remember seeing a pipe and a fist full of drugs infront of a blurry face. I remember being alone at 5 years old with a screaming baby not knowing what to do or who to call because you wanted to get high for a few hours. I remember a "dad" that was high on crack all day every day. I would hate to be you sober, I really would. But if there is anything i could ever appreciate out of you, it's leaving rather than staying, and it's diana. You gave me a beautiful and intelligent little sister. I wish you took better care of her, once I'm 18 I'm finding her and I'm taking her from this shithole. I don't want to be apart of you, but I am. So if you show up in court, don't expect a smile. You made my mom cry so many times, and you let me blame myself. You taught tonya everything, you used her for lies, drugs. Now where is she? shes recovering from the very drug you brought into our home. She let it overtake her and let her child fall for it. he's the sweetest most beautiful boy i've ever seen, and he's living in a nightmare. Luckly tonya is stronger than you were and is slowly, but surely recovering. His dad though, is a different story. I promise him that it will be okay for nicolai, and when he's old enough to fully understand i'll tell him what my mom told me; it isn't your fault.
As much as it is easy to hate you, I still feel somewhat guilty. I love you for leaving me, If you were still in my life it would have fucked me up worse than it did when i was a child.
When my uncle dave died, everything crumbled. He was the dad I hadn't had, and kaylee took it harder than anyone. I loved him and i feel so guilty for not mourning still. I love kaylee and I want to tell her we don't need to give guys a reason to stay anymore, we don't need to make them stay with us, they should WANT to be with us. Dad was a shitty story, we couldnt have made him stay with us no matter what we did, and uncle dave is still in your heart, he loved you more than anything. It hurts so much to see you act the way you do.

I feel stubborn, like I refuse to look at things through other people's eyes, and I really feel like it's stupid too. Even with kaylee, she's being stupid. The guy your with treats you like SHIT, and your willing to fuck your family over for him? No. I don't feel sorry for you, and I have no sympathy. It's stupid to love dad and it's stupid to be with a guy that treats you wrong. You deserve someone to love you and actually be there for you.
I see things so differently. I think that your weak if you use drugs, that you're a coward. You need fucking drugs to "solve" your problems? no. you're putting shit on hold, so you can either die or run away from the world. I think a god that lets people rape others as a lesson is noone to worship. I think the most valueable thing you can posses is your mind, and your heart. Keep your heart open and you can see the world. I love my life, and I love my friends. I love music I can relate too, I love straight edge because I know there are people who have gone through what I have. I don't think my life sucks because my dad sucks, I don't think living miserably over it is worth anything. I don't think crying does shit anymore, and I'm not going to waste my time worrying about peoples lives when they don't even care about themselves. I believe in myself, I believe in hope, and I believe in staying focused on the better things in life.

Straight edge is the only thing I can count on. The one thing that won't break. I will stand here with a heart thats pure and armed with a mind, and I'll take everything this shitty world throws at me and twist it back so fucking hard it'll knock you off your feet. Watch. Me. Rise.

If you think I'm annoying for sharing this, fuck you. The only reason I even talk about it is so I don't sit home and cry about it alone, so I can show people that drugs fuck more than the person that's doing it.

I hope whoever is reading this doesn't think i'm a total bitch, I just have alot of angst, and sortof rage built up from being a kid. I hate seeing my nephew go through what i did x2. I am a happy person, and I love life to the fullest, new things and new people excite me, Get to know me before you judge me.

1 comment:

  1. I don't think anybody will judge you wrong for this. Ever.

    I know only a little of what you guys have told me in the past, but I understand where you're coming from, at least to some degree.

    It's good that you've come out the way you did. It means that you're not foolhardy or stupid. But you should try to see things through other peoples eyes, the strict conviction to your ideals will keep you from ever falling into their paths, but it will give you much needed insight.

    Like, I'm trying to never touch drugs again, and so far it's worked out pretty well, but the fact that I did gave me knowledge into the motivations of others. Now I'm not saying you should try any drugs, I know you wouldn't, and I wish that you NEVER will. What I mean is that I know several different reasons as to why people do drugs, at least weed anyway. Some do it to escape their problems, others do it to fit in and avoid persecution by their friends, some do it just to have fun when they're that bored. I know why I used to do it, and the real reason for stopping so long, but that's a different story. My point is that there are reasons for everything, though that doesn't make it right.

    But also, I didn't know that your uncle effected Kaylee so much. I don't know anything about him but this thing made me feel like a bit of a dick. I've seen her for the longest time as attention starved, based largely on her actions with guys. And every time that I've tried having a serious conversation with her it ends up dying, it's been that way since shortly after we met. Idk, I just wish she could take advice more openly, ya know?

    Now, I don't know a thing about your little sister, but I hope that if you do intend to get her, you manage to do so. I know that you would do a great job of watching over anybody.

    I don't know what else to say, honestly. But you know that if you ever need to talk, I'm always going to listen. :)