your eyes tell me another story.

Is it possible for people to truly change?
To take a persons' past, full of bizzare fuckery, and turn it completely around. Change their lives, make something of themselves?
I've found myself completely contradicted. My mind wants more than my heart can handle.
I am not a bandaid, I cannot fix you. I can give you guidance, and I can support you, but it's up to you to change, not through force.

I can't trust you.
I can't trust anyone.
I can only trust myself, and I think that's such a sad way to live. All of us just run around leading our own parades, but when they intersect, havoc is set loose to destroy.
It's sad we can't trust anyone, it's sad people are so self-centered, but more and more I'm finding its the only way to live.

Straying away from that topic...
I talked to this "player" the other night, and he was just blabbing about his, let's say, relations with all 14 girls hes slept with. He told me how long it took to get them into bed, most of which under a half hour, and I screamed at him. I hate talking about sluts, I hate thinking about sluts, I just hate fucking sluts. I told him that I would never respect a bitch that doesn't respect herself, If you don't have a fucking brain, or any sense of dignity GET THE FUCK OUT. You're a worthless tool, and I will have nothing to do with you.
He defended them. I got mad.
He basks in this glory that hes had so many girls, but we'll see where you are in 10 years when the game gets old and you've fucked everyone in town.
alone.
no hands to hold,
no face to wake too.
nothing.
silence, emptyness, secluded from something real.
haha.

It is not the same.

You can't trust anyone.


I'm so distressed. dishevled. destroyed.
I want to crawl out of this broken mess and find a new light. Gather up the strength to run and begin again. I want to breathe deeply, lightly, easily.


"Don't take life too seriously, or you'll never make it out alive."

fuck. I take everything seriously. even this crummy situation I find myself in.
YOU'VE TAINTED EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE.
get off your back please, and quit bitching about a reputation you brought upon yourself.
it's one thing if two people say you're a slut, but it's another if the whole fucking city calls you a slut.
I wish I could trust you. I wish you were like the person i knew 4 years ago.
How did everything get so fucked up?
What happend to you?
Wheres your family loyalty?
Why don't you care? about anyone?
dfjasklfjas;

i hate this.

sleep tight.

its raining right now.

I reccomend the chesapeak catch from Ruby Tuesday's.
and fyi, annoying things to me are:

1. irrelevance.
2. stupidity.
3. superficial people.
4. pity.
5. underestimation
6. the fact that dignity doesn't exsist amoung anyone anymore.
7. gossip.
8. "drama."
9. when people, especially girls, FREAK OUT if you don't text them or call them back within two seconds.
10. overthinking.
11. mind games.
12. being shy.
13. smelly people.
14. economics and government.
15. bro's.
16. when my room is messy.
17. judgemental people.
18. bad music.
19. being hot.
20. feet.
21. when guys call me "pet names" and we aren't dating. It's not cute, you're trying to hard.
22. When I write something on this and someone takes it as a personal attack. like the above, it's not directed at any individual, it's just in general. don't get your panties in a bunch boys.
23. when people don't respect me, and think that just because i'm pretty must mean i'm dumb.
though i love surprising them by tearing up their 3rd grade vocabulary and throwing "big words" at them.
24. THEY, THEY'RE, THEIR. Please do your best and use them in the correct form.
25. People who butcher the english language.
26. "lol" "lolz" "l0o0ls" "rofl" "lmao." you're not laughing that hard, and there are no zeros in a word. I can't stand people who are legit about it. Like, thats how they talk on a daily basis.
27. Best Friends who say distance won't ruin anything, and they let it happen.


theres a ton more. But i don't want to come off like a life loathing bitch.
so..here are things i love:

1. anchors
2. ships, or anything to do with sailor stories, etc.
3. sailor jerry tattoo flash.
4. mike giant tattoo, graffiti and fine art flash.
5. kisses on the forehead.
6. the smell of rain.
7. acceptance.
8. under the covers.
9. when the sun wakes me up.
10. laughing.
11. booty shakes from flavour cafe'.
12. my body.
13. reading a new book.
14. the complexity of the mind.
15. good music.
16. passion.
17. cuddleing, snuggling, being close to another person.
18. best friends who actually do stay around.
19. driving/road trips.
20. monogamy.
21. cooking and baking.
22. long walks.
23. dreaming big.
24. holding hands.
25. feeling everything.
26. taking my vitamins!

I have a lot more of shit that makes me happy.
but typing it out for strangers to see takes too long, so you'd have to get to know me.

oh, and also.

I AM NOT DISPOSABLE.

Don't treat me like I am.
Don't take me for granted,
Don't underestimate me.

I fucking hate being treated like this. Don't text me, or call me, or whatever only when it's good for "you."

You don't deserve me, and you are NOT worth my time.
get the fuck off your high horse.


guys are jerks.
end.

Senior 09

DONE.

Today was my last final.
I'm offically done with high school.

I'll miss everyone, so much though.

typ

You're a dream away now.
Never in my thoughts during daylight, or when I rest my eyes at night.



I'm so relieved.




Finally.

why does this keep happening.

My mind is clinging to memories.
My eyes are hooded, hiding the fear that is burning so bright behind them.
I've got so many questions.
Such high hopes.

and no answers.
and no time.
and no fucking clue.

for once,

it'd be nice to kiss someone who cares.

I haven't cuddled in forever.
It's like the only addiction I have since I'm straight edge.
I'm so happy I've chosen to live the way I have.
four years strong, and never breaking.
I couldn't be more proud of myself.

lame.
I have a stuff nose and a sore throat. I'm so tired, my sleep cycle is so off from prom and the after party. I had so much fun, I was surprised how cool everyone was for some reason.
eh whatever.
I need to shower.
and sleep.

weak.

The weather is perfect. It feels still, trapped in time until a soft breeze floats past my cheek. Inside the building behind me, there is a rageing war. It's everything I've wanted since I knew the definition of dream. Since I could spell out perfection with my lips. But more and more each day I find this once calming, strong foundation is crumbling. I am noticing patterns and cricles I've never known before - or never wanted to acknowledge. The cracks crawl around corners, binded by some wild fusion of rage and hopelessness. There are holes beneath my feet. Places that once leant me their backs of support are now depleted to sorry grey pebbles. I have half a mind to get off this ground, past the dead potential, rotten words that have littered this lawn. I'll step onto green, cold, new ground...and never ever look back. My mind is plauged with anxiety. Like I'm waiting for something, an approach of some sort. When will I find peace in myself to rest my head at night? When will my search for searches end.

The 100th.

HOUR 37: still no sleep.

Soon, I hope that I will be snuggling up soon with a mug of warm tea. I'm watching A&E's Intervention simultaneously and it is so heartwrenching. But none of it seems to be shocking or new to me. I've seen most to all of this shit first hand. I feel for these people, the families I mean.

I've discovered that the most annoying sound in the world is when my mom says "fuck."

She does it in a creepy old way, the way mothers should not talk. It's my job to curse like a sailor, not hers.

Her keyboard is like a stomping ground for fingers. If her fingers were a band, they would be the blue man group. Slamming the tips of themselves and/or garbage cans, plastic bottles, etc., somehow forming a sound that makes sense. Except the music they'd come up with would be annoying and something you'd want to scream at. Maybe I should have gotten her finger headbands and sweatbands. So they could jam in style. I hate how she types with one finger at a time. She is so electronically challenged. I can't blame her for that though. I love my mom, but I find myself wanting to break free of this god forsaken place and never look back. I am becoming irked at everything she does, my sister does, dave does. Everything.

Maybe it's because the only thing I hear before I attempt to drift into dreamland is the bickering between what I thought were solid parents. They bitch at each other, screaming until tears are the only other noise. She keeps talking about a divorce. Dave keeps saying he's going to leave. Mom please don't talk to me about it. There is only so much I can take.

I don't want my step dad to leave.

He's like the father I never had.

Not again. please, please.

I hate my sister. I don't know who she is anymore, but shes tearing everything we have, we wanted, apart. Go ahead, do your drugs, I'm cutting you off.

I'm going to get slivers in my knuckles from knocking on wood so much.

I need a distraction. A new book. Any suggestions?

I uploaded my toy attempt on h8space. I'm still stoked though, and I'm also stoked that at least I have a best friend I can count on, no matter what. 7 YEARS STRONG.

I <3>

I would kill for a bomber's burrito. And a Dunkin Donuts Mocha Coolata, omfg.

I'm going to take my vitamins, exercise, and attempt at sleep.

Goodnight everyone. <3