Thursday, April 30, 2009


The bible was written by people who believed the earth was flat.

that is all.

zac efron is ugly.

I was watching a commercial for some new movie with some same face of some same hollywood fame. I don't get why there's such a phenomina over these men and women, They're just like us but happen to be richer. The only reason they're skinnier and healthier than average people is because they're more lucky in the cash department. Why are we so obsessed with these actresses and actors when all it is is the same face playing someone's fairytale dream on a screen, in a different situation every movie. same face. same dream. same scheme. Just different words. It's a bit annoying. It goes right back to how obsessed society is with looks. Just because we've got it in our heads that these people are hot, we automatically worship them like they're some kind of "god." (hah.) Even some of the attractive famecentrics are terrible at acting, yet we still find ourselves spending 10 dollars of our precious earned money to watch the same familliar face doing something not even remotely true to the real world. I guess I think it'd be more interesting if we had more options, more movies of actual real situations where life doesn't end up with the boy kissing the girl, or whatever happy ending.
It's just so fucking stupid.
Life is not a movie.
Life is no fairy tale.
Get used to it.
I'm not even sure if that makes sense, I can't find the right words to explain it.

Apart from that.

Today I got out of class at 12:30, after my teacher called me an assbag for pressing the record button when he wasn't ready. I apologized profusely saying "i'm sorry shhhweetie pye" He laughed and we called it even. After 3 days of 90 degree weather mother nature decided to get even for the hundreds of years we've been fucking the universe with 50 degree ice cold rain weather. I was just adapting to the muggy mess before hand, and then got a sweet curve ball from mother n. I shouldn't complain though, the human race deserves it. ANYWAY, so I get home and my sister had been supposed to be there since she was "sick" and all, and decided to lock all the doors and windows and not put the spare key under the table when she left for a tattoo. I sat outside for an hour and a half freezing, while watching the stupid couples holding stupid hands being stupid and stupidly cuddling together to keep each other warm. Salt in a wound, salt in a wound.I had to wait this long because all of my other friends don't get out of class until 2, and coincidently my cell phone was dead so I had no way of finding someone to hangout with until someone else got home. I braved it, and faught through my shyness to go to the minifrat house next door and ask for a
The guy that answered looked at me like I was an alien and invited me in. His friend gave me his cell phone and while I was dialing another guy climbed down the stairs and smiled at me and actually had manners and asked me how I was. He was the only one that made me less uncomfortable, like I wasn't crazy. So amanda came and rescued me from the pong champs and we went to visit her step brother. God I feel so awful for him, The bruises from his 2000 platelets (sp?) are unbelievable. He's just recently been diagnosed with aplastic anemia, and I want to give him my bone marrow. They haven't done the tests yet but if he's 0+ he can have all the marrow he pleases from me. We went to my house around 4 when kaylee FINALLY got home, and I got an unopened box of cookies and bombed it with "nick" on the cover and then wrote the still fly lyrics on the plastic. He loved it, and the cookies! I'm going to get poster board I think and just do a huge graff peice of his name, like hopefully wildstyle because I'm bored with the same style i've been doing.

I need more $$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Sunday, April 26, 2009

last night.

brick by brick and skinless were so good !
I haven't been to a show in a while from lack of money, but I need to start going more often.
The energy was incredible, it was wicked fun!

The whole like, click deal still sucks though. I wish more kids were like they were in the 80s. When it was everyone got along, no discrimination, no drama. It was all about the music.

anywhoo, after the show we went to dennys and then back to kristens house. I never wanted to go home, I had so much fun.
I really want to go to sound of fury this year, really really badly.
maybe find myself a cute boy to bring home.
haha, whatevs.
fuck this love game, i give up.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Recycled air.

At heart, I'm still the hopelessly in love with love girl. Like I've said a billion times before, these romantic wishes, will be the death of me. fml.

In spite of that, I feel like this weekend I've realized more than I have in all my years of being alive. Which, in itself isn't that long, but still.

The long drives in the most natural state of everything. The cold crisp air must have cleared the angst out of my mind.

You can see beauty as clippings from the magazines, or you can find it in the person you think about most. Embracing their flaws, and imperfections. Falling deeply in love with them all, noticing everything down to the smallest freckle. Love is the curiousty of the world offered behind their eyes. Exploring every inch of skin and every tone of laughter. We need to stop fearing things. Live for nothing but a simple smile. I don't want to fear rejection. I want to take more risks. I don't want to worry about the future. Or if I'll ever find love again, I want to take everything and everyone in. I want people to accept the same. I want to close my eyes and know that someone somewhere is searching for me, and someday we can meet each other.

I'm so content right now. In the safe space of my organized mess of a room. I still want to roam the endless miles of land and sea around me, and I will someday.
I want to climb the tallest mountains.
I want to get lost on a country road and find my way back home.
I want to discover new things about myself.
But right now I'm going to go discover new dreams in my cloud-of-a-bed.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Here's the deal.

I will not, and can not, respect anyone who doesn't respect themselves.
If you stroll around making weak attacks at people, because of the way they look, or anything else of that nature, you should just get fucked.
I see the facade you build around yourself, hurting others to hide your own insecurities. It's pathetic.
Wipe off your spray tan, unplug the booth, and save your money for college. Give your skin a break and wash off the piles of caked on make-up on your face. Quit trying to impress dudes with your cleavage, and lack of knowledge. As horny, and as scummy as most dudes are, in the end, most of them want a girl they can take home to mom. At least the ones I know do.
Reconnect your brain to your body, seriously. You're body will run out, it WILL become riddled with wrinkles, and you WILL become old. So you might need your brain to fall back on eventually. Just letting you know what's up.
Today I drove Kaylee to her boyfriends house, out in Averill Park. The drive was so long, and quiet. It felt tense, just like the whole entire house has since the accident. I just want everyone to stop fighting about the car, and grow up. Stop putting me in the middle. And stop coming to me for advice if all you're going to do is tell me I'm wrong, or scream your lungs raw that you don't agree. You asked, and I answered, deal with it.
Kaylee and her boy are so cute, and it makes me wish harder that I had someone. I know I'm pretty enough, I know I'm smart enough, and I know I've got enough heart to give. I just am way to shy, and I gotta grow my backbone hard enough to where people stop underestimating me, stop pushing me around because I'm so "cute," or so "adorable," or so "quiet." Like, I know being cute and adorable and shy are good qualities, and at the risk of sounding egocentric, I don't do it on purpose, I just am I guess. So if they're so good, why do people walk all over me? Why do they feel the need to push me until I show some kindof outburst? It's so annoying. Really that's all it is, an annoyance.
So anyway, the hour and a half drive home was lonesome, but it was soooo relaxing. All the windows down, the smell of pine trees drifting in and out from under my nose. God, I couldn't ask for a better drive. I love the smell of pine trees, the sound of gravel grumbling under the car. I love seeing the veiw ahead of mountains and the trees just adopting their new fresh leaves. I want to go on a hike soon, or go camping. I want to just do something outdoorsy and spend time with all of my friends before we split for college. Maybe I should rent the cabin in Babcock Lake for me and my friends and just have a party. Except, this time, I hope the friggen lion thing or cougar or whatever it was DOESN'T try and eat my dog. Poor P-nut. He's such a little nerd.
I feel like the more I write, the more people get the wrong impression of me. That I'm some kindof cocky, full-of-hate, bitch.
1. Don't confuse guarded heart for cocky.
2. That cycle is far over with, been there, done that.
3. Never.
but I thought this was funny; BITCH; Babe In Total Control of Herself.
so if that's the case, then yeah. I'm a babe in total control of myself, whasss uppppp.
Someone come hang out right now, It's only 11. I want a good conversation, and I want to cook food for a lot of people. Random.
I want a boy ahhhfjadklsfjals;
hips to hips
lips to lips
heart to heart
nothing will break.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

questions, questions.

When will I truely accept it?
When will the cookie cutter image of perfection ever change in society's eyes?
When will I ever feel good enough?
When will you find me?
When will I fall in love again?
When can I speak my heart without hurting anyone?
When can I have peace? In myself, in my life, everything.

All these questions go unanswered, I need a new adventure, I need some new motivation to find these answers.
I need to pull myself back up, to gain enough strength to see clearly again, not let my insecurties get the best of me.
Does everyone else have these questions? These constant thoughts?
Theres a pressure in my mind, my heart.
UGH, the fucking frustration.
No one can save me but myself.
I need to step it up, I have to quit worrying about love, romance, future shit like that.
What I should be focused on is school, and getting out of here. I should be focused on making money and building a stable ground that I can stand on, with no remorse, no chance of disaster. I wish I wasn't falling into this cycle, where money is top priority, I wish I could be passionate and not have my life revolve around material shit.
Oh well.
Another day, another dollar, I suppose.

How many miles until I get out of this rectangular box of hell?Because these four same facesin these overcrowded spaceshave me praying for the placesthat will leave me one minute to myself(along with)the foreheads glued to window-panesthe sore-backs from kitchen-wood floorsAnd all the sitting, sitting, sitting in a van -- and yet I still want more?When there's a million more miles to roam,I think of the life left for me back home:A "paradise" to watch their "greener grass" grow,and all the time to be alone...?But two weeks home cripple mebecause the trees don't passand the lines don't moveas the white walls collapseon my ramblin' boy blues that's howlin'howlin' for that open road becauseno arms can holdno home can warmlike the gaze of the rays of a distant lost-highway sun.When there's a million more miles to roam,I think of the life left for me back home:A "paradise" to watch their "greener grass" grow,and all the time to feel alone.pave paradiseput the keys inturn the enginelet the big green van drive me from this cityto anything but simplicityTo anywhere from this city,To anything but simplicity.

Monday, April 13, 2009


Sinking Ships - Losing Skin.
is all I've been listening to for the last few minutes. Sinking ships has such a random, fun sound to it, it brings me back to the old times.
I miss my friends, so much, I hate that I've lost touch with some of them over the years. I want to have a huge party and bring back all my old friends, with my new friends, and just have a neverending fun time for however long.
I need to get out of this town. I need to get out of this fucking state, I want a new world of my own. I want to discover a place away from the same clicks, the same groups. I can't escape from these things wherever I go, even shows. Hardcore shows were meant to embrace the kids that were different, now it's not even about the music anymore. Most of the people there are more concerened with fights and shit. Agree or disagree, that's just my opinion.
I wanna go see Have Heart again.
and I wish Champion was still together.
and I wish Underdog played more, and was still straight edge.
Useless rambling.
I need to go find something to do.

Friday, April 10, 2009

No wonder people at school

find me weird.

I just wish people would step back and stop pointing their fingers.
You don't know what happens behind closed doors, you don't know what it can be like.
I'm quiet because I don't know how else to be. I'm sometimes angry, because I've delt with things so long, that venting a little releases the tension, the hurt. I dare you to walk a mile in my shoes and stay as strong as I have.
I'm not saying I have it bad. A missing drug addict dad, a missing little sister, A recovering drug addict sister with a no good boyfriend, and a family that is constantly putting me in the middle of their battles, seeing the worst overdose humanly possible without death, friends that've passed away from shitty parents or drugs.
Things are much worse for other people than me, I know this. And those people are the only ones that I can respect.
One girl accused me of being attention hungry because I'm open to talking about my life.
I talk about it, to not break down from it. To show other people that things can be worse, to not take for granted their lives or the people in it. I talk about it to show some kind of wisdom, some kind of hope. I don't give a shit about attention, I don't want it. I just want people to grow up and stop judging before they even pretend to know a thing about their "victims" life. To make them open their eyes and find that what they say about other people is usually wrong, far-off, and juvenile. I'm so tired of immaturity, of hopelessness.

I shine hope in every corner of my life, I live on it, I'm built of it. I'm usually a happy person, but there are times every few years where I need to vent. I apologize if I bring to much of it out publicly, but sometimes I can't help it.
Things always get better.
Things always get better.

Next time you feel like judging me, please take that into consideration.

From happyness to rage.

I have been in a great, content, decent mood the past few months. I've felt so untouchable, and I haven't been angry or pissed off in so long. I've been regaining some old parts of me, the sweet humble side.

Until right now.
I am so full of rage at people who disrespect my family. Especially my older sister.
If I could rip her boyfriends heart out I would, but unfortunatly he doesn't have one.
Who the fuck are you to take credit for how far she's come these past four years? Who are you to say without you she'd be nothing? Where were you when she made a full recovery from drugs, from abusive ex boyfriends? Where were you when she fought for her life, for her son's well being? NO WHERE. Because the ONLY fucking person that can claim credit for her strength, her fucking well being, IS HER.
You need to step down off of your pedestol, stop throwing her emotions around. She is carrying your child, you're own flesh and blood is growing inside of her, yet you feel it nesecarry to pick constant fights with her, put her down. You let you're other kid's mothers rape her confidence, tear her down. And when she stands up to you, you aren't happy. Can you not handle a strong independent woman? Can you not handle a female stepping up to you? No, because you're not a fucking real man. Grow a set, because I don't see shit that says anything other than that you're a pussy. Control yourself and your son. Next time I even hear that your son put his hands on my nephew, and "pretended to stab him in the neck," I will ruin you. I will fucking ruin you.

You disgust me. You're a spineless peice of trash, and you can take you and you're bad-influenced children and get out of her life. You don't deserve her, she's just like fucking arm candy to you.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009


I've just had the greatest realization, ever.

I'm finally over it.
Every time I drive on Pauling, everytime I pass that spot, I can think of you in peace.
I can rest.
I'm finally healed. I know now that I'm so much better, without you in mind.
I can breathe, for the first time.
I don't feel you around anymore.
I don't miss you.
I never really did, I just missed my memories, and situations.
What's better is, I don't live in this constant pattern of barriors, and hate. I never wanted too, but I kept finding myself stuck.
It's been a long 2 years, but now is my time. Release you from my everything, my thoughts.
I had always dreamed of telling you how sorry I was for how things reeled out to be, and how much pain I felt when you gave up on me for her. But I don't care anymore. I'll be out of here, away from you and Troy and away from all the places we shared.
I can create boundless, new, perfect memories with someone else.

This city is too small for these clicks, this same group of people. Even at shows, you get alienated for not being apart of them. The one place, that was built for acceptance, is turning into a giant beauty contest, just like everything else.
Watch. Me. Rise.

Monday, April 6, 2009

E.E Cummings;

now does our world descend
the patch of nothingness
(cruel now cancels kind:
friends turn to enemies)
therefore lament, my dream
and don a doer's doom

create is now contrive;
imagined, merely know
(freedom: what makes a slave)
therefore, my life, lie down
and more by most endure
all that you never were

hide, poor dishonoured mind
who thought yourself so wise,
and much could understand
concerning no and yes;
if they've become the same
it's time you unbecame

where climbing was and bright
is darkness and to fall
(now wrong's the only right
since brave are cowards all)
therefore despair, my heart
and die into the dirt

but from this endless end
of briefer each our bliss-
where seeing eyes go blind
(where lips forget to kiss)
where everything's nothing
-arise, my soul; and sing.

E.E. Cummings, and Robert Frost, are the greatest poets of all time in my opinion.
My inspiration, in all its perfection.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Living life well is the best revenge.

Staring straight into the eyes of the future, every second, every day. Standing still, everything moves around you. Your spine stiffens straight up, hold your head high. Curious eyes wander from face to face, taking in every detail. The tired looks, the hatetred falling around them. Don't fall into the same pattern, don't let this life pass you.
Pale skin draped over a fraglie frame, veins of blues and reds all heading to the same source of strength, your heart. The outside is cold, crippling your fingers and your toes with an icey feel. Breathe in deeper and deeper, close your eyes for just a moment. The frigid air washes out the cloudy feeling inside. Pull the strength, all the hope, and the humbleness inside, out. Your breath clashes with the outside, building a sheild unbreakable. Open your eyes, throw this world everything you've got. The disapointments, the heartbreaks, the regrets, just let them go. It's never too late to start over. Grasp your dreams, and hold onto them tightly. Raise them onto the pedestol you've built for yourself, show the sun, the moon, the stars, the light, show everyone. Never underestimate yourself, you've got more to offer than you think. The wasted potential around you, it's not what you should let yourself fall too. A life of cracks and crevices holding every insecurity, for all to discover. Why not fill the cracks, accept the crevices as they are. Fill them with acceptance, and love them entirely with open arms.
Jealousy, worry, greed, its all a disease needing a cure. Never faulter, never wave in a world so cold. Just keep breathing, Just keep watching.

I should go downstairs and join the party, I just had a lot racing through my mind.

Friday, April 3, 2009

number 59.

My nephew, Nicolai, will be such a heartbreaker when he's all grown up.
Today I babysat this little monster for a few hours, and we made brownies while he told me everything he knew about pokemon, and how to kill the bad guys in the spongebob games. He left around 4:30, and then Amanda came over. I swear we always have so much fun, 7 years later and we're still laughing until we cry. I'm so happy she's my best friend. We had to go to the sprint store (3 different times) because my phone is a peice of shit, and now I have to pay for the EXACT same phone, that will most likely have the EXACT same fucking problems. So frustrating. I just got home and for some reason I'm exhausted. I'm drained of everything, and I feel like crawling into my big bed and sleeping forever. Or until I wake up for some Dublin tea. It's sooooo good, I advise everyone to have some. Tomorrow is my older sister's babyshower, and I don't think Nicolai is too amped about getting a little brother. But I'm so proud of Tonya, She's come such a far way since four years ago, Nicolai finally has the mom he deserves. I love my family, even though they can just be awkward.
So last night, Kaylee and I went to the star market to get some arizona rx. My favorite arizona product, that's whats up. We were kindof followed by these too guys, and I always get wicked uncomfortable when that happens. We got into the store, and the Indian guy, Ben, instantly started talking about how sexy Kaylee's peircings were, and that he wanted us to come party with him and his friend. I just looked up at him like he had six heads and said "Dude, I'm straight edge, I don't usually party with random strangers." He looked at me blankly, and with a thick accent said, "I'm sorry, I have no idea what that is." It was so awkward explaining it to him, because he had never heard of such an "outrageous" thing. Whatever though, point is he was a douchebag and made fun of me. He bought kaylee alcohol trying to get her to "loosen up," and come party. The other guy Kenny was really nice, but he came off just like playerish. He was really sweet though, he kept doubting that I was shy, and that I could ever go unnoticed. He said what made me cute was the way I talked, and that even though he'd just met me, I was really easy to talk to. I love things like that, I love compliments on who I am, rather than what I look like, even though those are sweet too haha. But long story short, It was one of those accidental meets, and I was tweaking out the whole time because of stranger-danger, but it was still fun, and at the time it was exciting. I love meeting new people, I wish I had enough guts to talk to people more. But I'm always nervous that I'll turn into one of those generic fake and bake loud obnoxious girls. Fuck I need to stop stereotying girls, I just don't trust them. so lame.
I need to get my prioritys in line, like make a list. So I'm going to try right now, while my brain is still awake enough to allow me to think:
1. Get my grades up.
2. Clean my room.
3. Find my Gorilla Biscuits CD.
4. Get a job.
5. Get a car, (a subaru, to be exact. Even the older generation Legacy would be PERFECT.)
6. Pass high school knowing I wasn't all invisible.
7. Go to every place I've ever wanted to go.
8. Try and convince Mike Giant to do a tattoo on me.
9. Try and convince Joe Cappa Bianca to do a tattoo on me.
10. Have Anthony Lawton do a tattoo.
11. Get my Clavical dermals, three small diamonds, barely noticeable.
12. Go to Trinity College.
13. Find a nice, sweet, boy.
14. Give him kisses!
15. Have the best sleep ever.
I'm going to try and do number 15 right now.
Sweet Dreams, Sleep tight, Don't let the bed bugs bite.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

STILL my favorite video, ever.


It's so many things. Just being thrown and jumbled into some code that my mouth can't seem to relate out into the air. My mind is racing with thoughts, every single day, of every moment. I'm usually unnoticed in the wide hallways, cramped classrooms of highschool. I'm too quiet, I'm terrible at first impressions, and I'm just always second guessing myself. It's hard to explain in ways that are understandable outside my mind. I don't really care what people think of me, as a person. I just care about building something with every person I meet. Whether it's left at an acquaintance, or an amazing friendship. Is that weird? I'm so socially retarded I don't even know what's acceptable to people. I have close friends, enough to count on one hand. The people who have never turned their backs on me. In reality I should be happy and content with this, but a part of me still feels disconnected. Something is missing, and I'm just not sure what it is yet. The nights when my friends, and my sister are off with their boys, I'm always doing the same thing. I'm releasing all this tension onto some blog, or excersing until my lungs refuse to work. Lately I've been listening to alot of old music that I haven't dreamed of playing in years. They're all closely related to some time in my past, where I thought I was truly happy, where nothing could ever go wrong. It's bittersweet to listen to them. I'm happy the people I left behind have found their way again, and that they've found what they were looking for. I just wish I could say the same for me. I know my plans, I've grown independent, I can't see myself relying on anyone but myself. The actual thought of becoming dependent on someone makes me a nervous wreck. I'm sickend by seeing other girls put themselves in that position, to let their entire exsistance be based on another single person. It's too much for one person to carry on their shoulders I think. And in my opinion it is so much better to just be with someone. Not need them, but want them.

These nights, I wake up in a tangled mess of blankets. I stare up at the darkness of my ceiling and feel the empty space next to me. I'm so sick of sleeping alone. I want to wake up and feel arms around me, and have that sense of safety in them. Where it's total peace with each other. I want to be warm and cuddled with someone and kiss them on the cheek, and fall asleep just as easily as ever. These stupid romantic notions, these stupid girly dreams. I swear they'll be my ruin. I wish I could just push them out the back of my mind, but I know that it won't happen. I hate relationships where it's fights constantly, drama everywhere. I have miles of heart to give, and so much to offer. I hope someone sees it.

Aside from that broken record crap, I'm pretty sure it's raining out. I'm going to go sit on the porch and listen to kaylee talk about evan, and put a smile on for her so she doesn't get discouraged. She really does deserve to be happy. We have our differences, we've got our grudges, but I'm happy for her.

Maybe when I go to Ireland I'll meet a nice Irish boy, and we can live in little cottage, where the sun drapes over ever peice of furniture. The only way to wake up is when the light pours in threw the windows onto your face in the morning. We can take long walks and make each other laugh with stupid jokes, and laugh at me probably falling on my face because I'm the clumsiest person IN THE UNIVERSE. The first step is resisting denial, right?