Thursday, April 2, 2009


It's so many things. Just being thrown and jumbled into some code that my mouth can't seem to relate out into the air. My mind is racing with thoughts, every single day, of every moment. I'm usually unnoticed in the wide hallways, cramped classrooms of highschool. I'm too quiet, I'm terrible at first impressions, and I'm just always second guessing myself. It's hard to explain in ways that are understandable outside my mind. I don't really care what people think of me, as a person. I just care about building something with every person I meet. Whether it's left at an acquaintance, or an amazing friendship. Is that weird? I'm so socially retarded I don't even know what's acceptable to people. I have close friends, enough to count on one hand. The people who have never turned their backs on me. In reality I should be happy and content with this, but a part of me still feels disconnected. Something is missing, and I'm just not sure what it is yet. The nights when my friends, and my sister are off with their boys, I'm always doing the same thing. I'm releasing all this tension onto some blog, or excersing until my lungs refuse to work. Lately I've been listening to alot of old music that I haven't dreamed of playing in years. They're all closely related to some time in my past, where I thought I was truly happy, where nothing could ever go wrong. It's bittersweet to listen to them. I'm happy the people I left behind have found their way again, and that they've found what they were looking for. I just wish I could say the same for me. I know my plans, I've grown independent, I can't see myself relying on anyone but myself. The actual thought of becoming dependent on someone makes me a nervous wreck. I'm sickend by seeing other girls put themselves in that position, to let their entire exsistance be based on another single person. It's too much for one person to carry on their shoulders I think. And in my opinion it is so much better to just be with someone. Not need them, but want them.

These nights, I wake up in a tangled mess of blankets. I stare up at the darkness of my ceiling and feel the empty space next to me. I'm so sick of sleeping alone. I want to wake up and feel arms around me, and have that sense of safety in them. Where it's total peace with each other. I want to be warm and cuddled with someone and kiss them on the cheek, and fall asleep just as easily as ever. These stupid romantic notions, these stupid girly dreams. I swear they'll be my ruin. I wish I could just push them out the back of my mind, but I know that it won't happen. I hate relationships where it's fights constantly, drama everywhere. I have miles of heart to give, and so much to offer. I hope someone sees it.

Aside from that broken record crap, I'm pretty sure it's raining out. I'm going to go sit on the porch and listen to kaylee talk about evan, and put a smile on for her so she doesn't get discouraged. She really does deserve to be happy. We have our differences, we've got our grudges, but I'm happy for her.

Maybe when I go to Ireland I'll meet a nice Irish boy, and we can live in little cottage, where the sun drapes over ever peice of furniture. The only way to wake up is when the light pours in threw the windows onto your face in the morning. We can take long walks and make each other laugh with stupid jokes, and laugh at me probably falling on my face because I'm the clumsiest person IN THE UNIVERSE. The first step is resisting denial, right?



  1. all this about you making bad first impressions... i don't see how that could be. ever since i first met you, you seemed so nice, and now i KNOW this to be true. and there's nothing wrong with being quiet, most people who aren't are just loud, annoying, overly-confidant fucktards anyway =)

  2. Quick note, idk who that is that left the comment, but cause their language seems very familiar. and the fact that they said the word fucktard....hmmm....

    Anyway, first impression are always a weak point for some, but it's the fact that you're thinking about it too much that might be biting you in the ass. I know the whole "just be yourself" thing gets old and tiring, but it's true. People are either going to like you as you are, or like some fascade that you put up that they'd eventually see through anyway. I like having connections with people too, but you can't worry about it. I'd like to say I have a lot of friends, and I have a fair amount of close friends, but it's because I can be myself around them that we're friends, ya know?

    And don't let what your friends do get to you too much brit, it's their own lives, and they're going to be very different from your own. I agree with you about Kaylee though, she deserves to be happy as much as anybody else does, but I think she's looking for it in the wrong ways.

    As far as your Irish boy. Maybe I'll find a drinking buddy in the person you find a connection with lol. I really wany to go, but idk when and for how long =/