Wednesday, September 29, 2010

There is no measurement of time. Days feel like years. Weeks feel like days. Months feel like seconds. Seconds feel like forever.
We're stuck in a loop, so we should measure life by love, by pain, and by growth. (but mostly love, it's the best part about being a person.)

Monday, September 20, 2010

I want to know what you're thinking.
This is to you.
Your unknown eyes that are crossing each curve of these digital letters.

I wonder what I want to be doing. All I can think of right now is traveling. I keep discovering when I do, I never want to stop. But school is stressing me out so much. I feel like my path is getting clouded and I'm starting to choke on the humidity.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Monday, September 6, 2010

There are worse things than
being alone
but it often takes decades
to realize this
and most often
when you do
it’s too late
and there’s nothing worse
too late.

Oh Yes by Charles Bukowski

Thursday, August 19, 2010

I have made up my mind now to be a Sailor's wife,
To have a purse full of money and a very easy life,
For a clever sailor husband is so seldom at his home,
That his wife can spend the dollars with a will that's all her own,
Then I'll haste to wed a sailor, and send him off to sea,
For a life of independence is the pleasant life for me,
But every now and then I shall like to see his face,
For it always seemes to me to beam with manly grace,
With his brow so nobly open, and his dark and kindly eye,
Oh my heart beats fondly towards him whenever he is nigh,
But when he says Goodbye my love, I'm off across the sea
First I cry for his departure, then laugh because I'm free,
Yet I'll welcome him most gladly, whenever he returnes
And share with him so cheerfully all the money that he earns
For he's a loving Husband, though he leads a roving life
And well I know how good it is to be a Sailor's Wife.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Sunday, July 25, 2010

I wish muh black book was small enough for my purse.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

butter me queasy


Tuesday, July 20, 2010

mental health day.

I have such a fucking headache, my stomach is tied in knot after knot after knot.
I get mad at other people when I should get mad at me, I fucking mess up and I am the one who puts up with everything.
When did I become such a loser?

I like am beginning to become annoyed with myself and all the little things I do, and all my justifications for them. I can think that play should be more important than play, but I'm stuck in this dream world when I need to be sucked back into reality. I can live reality and still hold my ideals that people are more important than work, and I can find my happiness in everything else if I want.
I don't know what I'm trying to say.
My childish ways and my avoidance of responsibility are a means to an end. I have to grow up. No more stupidity.

But I am going to start growing a god damn back bone.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

bring me cake batter ice cream and chocolate milk.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

finally got my foot finished.
the color came out soooooooooo good.
stoked that my feet are finally covered!

Monday, May 31, 2010

the words I can't find but found in someone else.

Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our hearts. Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life. Meaning does not lie in things. Meaning lies in us.
- Marianne Williamson
I am so tired. Kaylee is missing her upper face. balls.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I'm exhausted.

I feel like I need to love less.
it makes me crazy.

Training myself not to care about being second best all the time.
it's all i've ever been anyways, and i'm not being emo or looking for pity or trying to sound sad, it's true. Only once was I equal, if not more.

I want to sleep forever and not go to work.
and if I should wake I hope its to a lit up world where my dreams have a fraction chance of coming true.
and in MA.
and on a comfier ( that a word?) mattress.
and so that my eyes don't feel dried out.
and where my heart doesn't feel so heavy.
just plain not over thinking.
just simplicity.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

modest as a mouse
with a lion heart.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Sometimes it blows my mind that the skulls walking around me are filled with devastation and angst.

The way people stare out past the glass of their cars or on buses, seeing them work through something in their mind with a trace of sadness across their face, it isn't supposed to be like this.

but pain is a lesson.
and that's the only way I can justify not asking them if they're okay.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

I just want a little bit of affection.

Everyone is all the same, and you've just helped me put the last nail in the coffin.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

My back hurts

from making so many pedestals.

Made from the finest materials, my hands are broken and the weight is crushing me, but at least the smile on my face won't fade. I guess.

"Love is the answer" has been scratched and etched and ripped into the the lining of my skull, so my conscious can read it every day. The cheesy simplicity that statement offers makes so much sense to that annoyance beating under my chest. It makes me feel calm. Hating everyone and everything is easy and a pussy way to live. Not letting anyone get close out of fear is sad. Even if it hurts, scar tissue is stronger than any other. Keep building it and keep sucking in the lessons with it, you'll find gratitude and appreciation in everything life throws at you - somehow. Don't believe me, don't agree with me. Do whatever makes your heart beat a little bit slower.

Monday, April 19, 2010

If you were a library book, I'd check you out.

The passion I'm full of is too much for my body sometimes, or at least my skull; cause it seems to pour out into my hands and out threw my eyes when I am around the one I call my own. I am glowing with affection, maybe too much?

I don't really believe that, I guess I'm trying not to feel crazy. I just love to love, I love letting people know they are, too.

List of importance:

1. People I love.
2. School.
3. Work.

I see no flaws in this, do you?

Sunday, April 18, 2010


got a body like a pinup.
circa 1950s, I'm thinking Gil Everon-esque.
Such a good mood, let's make this shit last!

Friday, April 16, 2010

Keep begging me for sleep body,
it ain't happening.

Friday, April 9, 2010

oh, Steven Morrissey....

If I could say everything I wanted too right now,
I'd lose everything.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Monday, April 5, 2010

Well I've been tired cause I don't sleep that well on trains
well I got ups and downs but day are all the same
I've been low but it never gets me down
well I've been thrown out I've been let down I've been shamed
well I've had hardships I've been stripped of pride and name
I've been low but it never gets me down
nights spent drinking all the worry from my head and days spent wandering wishing i was dead
if only i could muster the words out from my mouth i would sing oh i would sing
id take the next train out
cause I've been hoping I've been praying there's some god so when i die im saved and found and im not lost
cause all hes done for me is take away the ones i love

Sunday, April 4, 2010

god fucking dammit

i hate my brain.
i hate feeling hollow for no god damn reason.
i hate thinking so much.

I wish I could just not.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

wasting hours

My brain is unresponsive to my body pleading for rest.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

So far

Today has been pretty good. Editors in my ears for the bus ride home (and then later when I'm off to work), even the test in bio that I'm sure the entire class failed didn't bog me down. The weather is miserable but I'm still feeling motivated. I'm hoping to take 5 or 6 classes this summer if they allow it, Make up for the poor grades I've had since life happened.
Death has weird affects on people, granted I fucked up & fully commit to my responsibility to fix it, but it's still surprising how big it a toll it took on my state of mind. I gotta keep that PMA! and understand I'm not going to change the world, my constant bickering of how unfair it is that money is number one won't do a damn thing. Unfortunately I have to do all the shit society has trained me for to survive. Lame. I don't want to conform, but I don't want to be homeless either.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010


Just finished this, it was really moving. The way it was filmed was beautiful also, my stomach sank for miles. I don't think I'll hear him the same after this, truely dark and sad. I think everyone should rent/buy this when they've got time in.

"I was happy.
I never meant for it to grow like this.
When I'm up there, singing, they don't understand how much i give
and how it effects me
and now they want more, and they expect me to give more...And I don't know if i can.
Its like it's not happening to me, but someone pretending to be me; Someone dressed in my skin...And now we're going to America.
I've no control anymore, I don't know what to do."
Slowly turning cynical.
half misanthropist.

just cut it alllllllllll out.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Sunday, March 28, 2010

my room

is slowly but surely getting filled to the brim with the smell of pancakes my momma dukes is cooking downstairs. The windows are closed and the ceiling fan is off, yet it is still frigid in here. I'm not wearing any eyeliner today which pleases my lazy arms. I'm freaking out because DHC is showing a woman getting a june bug that has crawled through her ear canal ripping everything apart in it's path get surgery to get it out. Everyone had thought she was absolutely insane, I feel so bad for her. I would be tweaking out if there was a bug in my ear too. I guess they had to twist him to get it out :(
My leg's are freezing and my circulation is fucked, I can't even sit pocahontas without getting pins and needles in my feet. Body, why do you hate me?
Movies I want to see as of today:
1. The United States of Leland
2. Twelve and Holding.
3. Greenberg
4. The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things
5. Precious
6. Gigantic
7. Manic

Also, I want to buy a new dress and a lot of new books. Overqualified looks really good, and Solipsist is turning out a lot better than I expected, though I have to be in a wicked cynical mood to read it. And lately I just want to be happy.

I had to explain to my mother that bad moods are contagious and that's why I've been miserable, with my sister's constant bitching about how awful her life is and my parent's bickering, it's only natural I pick up the negativity and hate on every living creature with balls enough to cross my path.
I'm getting "Stay Sweet" tattooed on me somewhere because of this.

Off to pinhead susans with my babyboo

Thursday, March 18, 2010


My heart is swollen with white lights of hope. I lay here this night, spine anchored to the bed, eyes fixated on the blackness above me. The tides of anxiety that my lungs give birth too sway in and out past my lips, above my body. Soft whirring of the fan, casting away shadows that lurk beside me. Roll my neck to see a light from my window, where the blue is swimming into black, where the sun picked holes to peak through stars. I wonder if this could ever be enough, the way the four corners fold me into a world where thought and heart are in a constant rat race. Who will win the battles outside these walls, could there ever be unity apart from this room, or even inside of me? Feel the pulse of addiction run through my body, can you see it through my skin? My rib cage is hiding a well carved out of the sweetest stone, dug to find water rolling with gold, the edges furiously pounding with benevolence against the earth inside. It's starting to spill over, and even the moon can't save me now. Dragging pebble by pebble into the pit of my stomach, where clemency meets the memories of you. I just need a strong sigh, one that can exhale hail storms.

You make my stomach ache in the sweetest way possible. You give my lips a new sensation with every thought of your hands and your lips. There is another story behind your gaze, and I fear that I will someday come to know it.

I want!

Monday, March 15, 2010

My mind, My stride, My life, My time is consumed with a thousand thoughts.

I think too much, I really do. And my mouth is too slow to catch up to my brain, moving slow like a thousand ages of history were trying to pass through my lips. My brain is the rising tide swallowing up every ship that seems even the least bit directed in deterring negative thoughts. The flock of swallows from my heart got lost somewhere in my lungs, and whenever I speak feathers come out masking everything I want to say in stupid little delicate words, when what I long to say are as crushing as anchors, dragging hundreds of years of earth along with it.

I need to win against myself in this one. I need to train my mind to a positive tune.

"....In this world, they choose to see me,
they choose to see me
like a setting sun

so it's up to me,
i have to see me,
i have to see me
like the rising one."

I am my own worst enemy.
This is how it will and always remain, and the more I worry about other people's intentions the more I step on split ends.
People are going to be stupid, They are going to lack a respect for me and my happiness/relationships, it's the fact that if the one's that I so truly care about go along with it, then maybe they were never worth it from day one.

But I really feel like this boy is different. He's the first person I've been able to trust in ages, absolute ages.
Things that would usually weird me out don't with him, I don't find myself living in a constant state of approval from him.
I'm falling.
I'm scared.
I'm so happy.

So people who read this, if any at all, please just respect me and leave it alone.
Don't interrupt something that I've been craving for forever, please.
and if you're that heartless than you can burn in hell with your greedy worthless heart.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Class and Sass

Amanda knows what I'm talking about! <3

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I love and hate my trepidations.
I hate needing any reassurance or glorious amount of affection to know that things are good.
I don't know why I feel like there's a void and I don't know why I can't blame anyone aside from myself, with everything I wish I could.
I need to stop worrying.
Fuck I'm good enough, BETTER than good enough.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Must. Have. This. Book.

"A lot of men want a woman to mother them. They get with a woman and all they do is regress to the point where you might think he might not be capable to take care of himself at all. I don’t want another mother. I want a woman. I want to rise to the occasion. I want to learn and bask in your glow. I want to protect you and do whatever I can to give you strength. There is no twist to this. I am not about to blow my brains out. You have not cut me up like others have. It’s just this. I want to love you with everything in me. I need your help because I don’t know anything about it. I am suspicious and ready to leave and hit the cold road for the frozen dawn. I am just going to trust you with everything in me. I see now that it’s the only reason to be here. After kissing you, I cannot remember what it was like to kiss any other woman. At this point I am not sure if I ever have."

-Henry Rollins, Solipsist

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Dream 15

1. You forget 90% of your dreams. Within 5 minutes of waking, half of your dream is forgotten. Within 10, 90% is gone.

2. Blind people also dream. People who became blind after birth can see images in their dreams. People who are born blind do not see any images, but have dreams equally vivid involving their other senses of sound, smell, touch and emotion.

3. Everybody dreams. Every human being dreams (except in cases of extreme psychological disorder). If you think, you are not dreaming, you just forget your dreams.

4. In our dreams, we only see faces that we already know. Our mind is not inventing faces – in our dreams we see real faces of real people that we have seen during our life but may not know or remember. We have all seen hundreds of thousands of faces throughout our lives, so we have an endless supply of characters for our brain to utilize during our dreams.

5. Not everybody dreams in color. A full 12% of sighted people dream exclusively in black and white. The remaining number dream in full color. Studies from 1915 through to the 1950s maintained that the majority of dreams were in black and white, but these results began to change in the 1960s. Today, only 4.4% of the dreams of under-25 year-olds are in black and white. Recent research has suggested that those changing results may be linked to the switch from black-and-white film and TV to color media.

6. Dreams are symbolic. If you dream about some particular subject it is not often that the dream is about that. Dreams speak in a deeply symbolic language. Whatever symbol your dream picks on it is most unlikely to be a symbol for itself.

7. Emotions; The most common emotion experienced in dreams is anxiety. Negative emotions are more common than positive ones.

8. You can have four to seven dreams in one night. On average, you can dream anywhere from one or two hours every night.

9. Animals dream too. Studies have been done on many different animals, and they all show the same brain waves during dreaming sleep as humans. Watch a dog sleeping sometime. The paws move like they are running and they make yipping sounds as if they are chasing something in a dream.

10. Body Paralysis.

Rapid eye movement (REM) sleep is a normal stage of sleep characterized by rapid movements of the eyes. REM sleep in adult humans typically occupies 20-25% of total sleep, about 90-120 minutes of a night’s sleep.

During REM sleep the body is paralyzed by a mechanism in the brain in order to prevent the movements which occur in the dream from causing the physical body to move. However, it is possible for this mechanism to be triggered before, during, or after normal sleep while the brain awakens.

11. Dream Incorporation. Our mind interprets the external stimuli that our senses are bombarded with when we are asleep and make them a part of our dreams. This means that sometimes, in our dreams, we hear a sound from reality and incorporate it in a way. For example you may be dreaming that you are in a concert, while your brother is playing a guitar during your sleep.

12. Men and women dream differently. Men tend to dream more about other men. Around 70% of the characters in a man’s dream are other men. On the other hand, a woman’s dream contains almost an equal number of men and women. Aside from that, men generally have more aggressive emotions in their dreams than the female lot.

13. Precognitive Dreams. Results of several surveys across large population sets indicate that between 18% and 38% of people have experienced at least one precognitive dream and 70% have experienced déjà vu. The percentage of persons that believe precognitive dreaming is possible is even higher, ranging from 63% to 98%.

14. If you are snoring, then you cannot be dreaming.

15. You can experience an orgasm in your dreams. You can not only have s e x as pleasurable as in your real life while dreaming, but also experience an o r g a s m as strong as a real one, without any wet results. The sensations felt while lucid dreaming (touch, pleasure and etc..) can be as pleasurable and strong (or I believe even stronger) as the sensations experienced in the real world.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

In ruins.

Creeping up under the skin, half heart intentions with malicious design. I hate that there can be two sides, that fear can lurk through my veins, hiding behind corners of my alcove's of hope. sliding through me with such ease. where are my fists clenched in the dark, waiting to destroy these mini-monsters?
My spine is raveled up, round and round, twisting up into a spiral of confusion. My head is bent forward, looking up behind me. My hands search the space before, where I am blind. How can I keep moving in such a way when I'm still looking in the past; when will my bones unsnarl all this fear?
I wish your hands could be my cure, I wish your words could take me back to where my innocence is buried.
My heart is always mixing up what my eyes see.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Why can't people respect fucking boundaries.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I'm feeling better.
I think I just needed to be happy to melt away this procrastination.
Ernest Hemingway paper, here I come!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

I am exhausted.
procrastination dominates me.

Thursday, February 4, 2010


grow grow grow.
I've gotta grow up and I've gotta shrink down.
Never giving in and never giving up.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

writer's block for my mouth.

I can feel words forming with all of the little cells in my blood, flowing and ebbing through my body, but they get lost somewhere in my veins. Somewhere in the clutter of hope, they get stuck. I'm betting they're in my lungs, building a clot until I can never speak again. I want to force them out, even if these words are rolling down my cheeks in a stream of salt, staining my face. I don't care I just want this void to stop growing, I don't want to feel this way - apathy, hopelessness, whatever it is I just need to get it out. I have to write it until my fingers curl with pain, until my eyes weigh heavy with sleep. I just need to find this peace of mind. There are two minds in me, the one with wits, safe under my skull, and the one my heart has secretly been growing, cultivating a war between my logic and my hopes. I'm the queen of wishful thinking, no doubt about that. I'm probably crazy.

I just need a good sigh, I just need too exhale all these worries and build my stable ground.
I don't want to depend on anyone anymore. I've come to understand, especially these past weeks, that what I wanted could be more of a headache then anything else.
I'm not searching, rather I'll just move about with my life, putting the pieces of myself back together, sorting out my past to create my future. I really honestly do want to end up in Boston, a bay window overlooking the city, leaning on the molding, hands wrapped tightly around a coffee mug and a glance back to see whoever plato's intended "other half" snoozing on a bed or something.
I contradict myself don't I?
I need to sleep, 8 a.m. classes means 6 a.m. bus rides.

no wonder people are afraid to show their kindness, it's because people rip it apart and chew it up until there's nothing left but a cold guarded person.

I refuse to fall away with the rest of them, I won't let hope or sweetness die.
I can't.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

mother fucker.

Everyone around me has what I want.
what the fuck life? get on board already.

And I'm starting to feel like a god damn machine then a human being, I think people have forgotten what emotions are, and when I say no, I fucking mean NO.
No one respects my emotions, no one respects my words.

stay cold.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

write write write.
write until these hands are shaking, these fingers are sore and my eyes weigh heavy.
fall like bricks.

I want to find sleep.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I'm looking gross lately.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Everyone left behind me has someone, when is it going to be my turn.

Monday, January 25, 2010

I feel so disappointed in myself.
Woke up this morning with a set of swollen eyes and 3 bucks short.

I keep saying tomorrow is a new day, but soon tomorrow will become today and I'll have no tomorrows left.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

quite honestly, being alone isn't as frightening as I thought it'd be.
I think I like it, I like figuring out all my own desires rather then pleasing someone elses', for now.

Doesn't mean I don't miss it, I'd give anything for a set of strong arms that care.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

“Best not to mix the past with the present. The present paints the past with gold. The past paints the present with lead. When I run backwards I feel the desperation rise. Best for me to hurtle headlong into the present. Never look back. Maybe catch on fire if I do it right. That’s all there is-the Right Now. If we don’t plant ourselves in the front row of the present, I predict that if any of us reach old age, we’ll be sitting on the front porch thinking, “Damn, shoulda burned all the temples. Screamed, danced and dragged life through the coals”. I align myself with life’s brutal headlong lunge towards Death. I am in motion at all times. Waging war with Exhaustion. Winning some and losing some.”

--Henry Rollins

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

what do I like to do;

be around people.
be outside under the night stretched sky.

i don't even know.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

ask me any/everything
actually, fuck it.

I miss myself more than you.