So far

Today has been pretty good. Editors in my ears for the bus ride home (and then later when I'm off to work), even the test in bio that I'm sure the entire class failed didn't bog me down. The weather is miserable but I'm still feeling motivated. I'm hoping to take 5 or 6 classes this summer if they allow it, Make up for the poor grades I've had since life happened.
Death has weird affects on people, granted I fucked up & fully commit to my responsibility to fix it, but it's still surprising how big it a toll it took on my state of mind. I gotta keep that PMA! and understand I'm not going to change the world, my constant bickering of how unfair it is that money is number one won't do a damn thing. Unfortunately I have to do all the shit society has trained me for to survive. Lame. I don't want to conform, but I don't want to be homeless either.

Control

Just finished this, it was really moving. The way it was filmed was beautiful also, my stomach sank for miles. I don't think I'll hear him the same after this, truely dark and sad. I think everyone should rent/buy this when they've got time in.

"I was happy.
I never meant for it to grow like this.
When I'm up there, singing, they don't understand how much i give
and how it effects me
and now they want more, and they expect me to give more...And I don't know if i can.
Its like it's not happening to me, but someone pretending to be me; Someone dressed in my skin...And now we're going to America.
I've no control anymore, I don't know what to do."

Slowly turning cynical.
half misanthropist.
sweet.


just cut it alllllllllll out.

my room

is slowly but surely getting filled to the brim with the smell of pancakes my momma dukes is cooking downstairs. The windows are closed and the ceiling fan is off, yet it is still frigid in here. I'm not wearing any eyeliner today which pleases my lazy arms. I'm freaking out because DHC is showing a woman getting a june bug that has crawled through her ear canal ripping everything apart in it's path get surgery to get it out. Everyone had thought she was absolutely insane, I feel so bad for her. I would be tweaking out if there was a bug in my ear too. I guess they had to twist him to get it out :(
My leg's are freezing and my circulation is fucked, I can't even sit pocahontas without getting pins and needles in my feet. Body, why do you hate me?
Movies I want to see as of today:
1. The United States of Leland
2. Twelve and Holding.
3. Greenberg
4. The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things
5. Precious
6. Gigantic
7. Manic

Also, I want to buy a new dress and a lot of new books. Overqualified looks really good, and Solipsist is turning out a lot better than I expected, though I have to be in a wicked cynical mood to read it. And lately I just want to be happy.

I had to explain to my mother that bad moods are contagious and that's why I've been miserable, with my sister's constant bitching about how awful her life is and my parent's bickering, it's only natural I pick up the negativity and hate on every living creature with balls enough to cross my path.
I'm getting "Stay Sweet" tattooed on me somewhere because of this.

Off to pinhead susans with my babyboo

I want to stick with wearing little to no make up.

robot.

My heart is swollen with white lights of hope. I lay here this night, spine anchored to the bed, eyes fixated on the blackness above me. The tides of anxiety that my lungs give birth too sway in and out past my lips, above my body. Soft whirring of the fan, casting away shadows that lurk beside me. Roll my neck to see a light from my window, where the blue is swimming into black, where the sun picked holes to peak through stars. I wonder if this could ever be enough, the way the four corners fold me into a world where thought and heart are in a constant rat race. Who will win the battles outside these walls, could there ever be unity apart from this room, or even inside of me? Feel the pulse of addiction run through my body, can you see it through my skin? My rib cage is hiding a well carved out of the sweetest stone, dug to find water rolling with gold, the edges furiously pounding with benevolence against the earth inside. It's starting to spill over, and even the moon can't save me now. Dragging pebble by pebble into the pit of my stomach, where clemency meets the memories of you. I just need a strong sigh, one that can exhale hail storms.

You make my stomach ache in the sweetest way possible. You give my lips a new sensation with every thought of your hands and your lips. There is another story behind your gaze, and I fear that I will someday come to know it.

I want!

My mind, My stride, My life, My time is consumed with a thousand thoughts.

I think too much, I really do. And my mouth is too slow to catch up to my brain, moving slow like a thousand ages of history were trying to pass through my lips. My brain is the rising tide swallowing up every ship that seems even the least bit directed in deterring negative thoughts. The flock of swallows from my heart got lost somewhere in my lungs, and whenever I speak feathers come out masking everything I want to say in stupid little delicate words, when what I long to say are as crushing as anchors, dragging hundreds of years of earth along with it.

I need to win against myself in this one. I need to train my mind to a positive tune.

"....In this world, they choose to see me,
they choose to see me
like a setting sun

so it's up to me,
i have to see me,
i have to see me
like the rising one."

I am my own worst enemy.
This is how it will and always remain, and the more I worry about other people's intentions the more I step on split ends.
People are going to be stupid, They are going to lack a respect for me and my happiness/relationships, it's the fact that if the one's that I so truly care about go along with it, then maybe they were never worth it from day one.

But I really feel like this boy is different. He's the first person I've been able to trust in ages, absolute ages.
Things that would usually weird me out don't with him, I don't find myself living in a constant state of approval from him.
I'm falling.
I'm scared.
I'm so happy.

So people who read this, if any at all, please just respect me and leave it alone.
Don't interrupt something that I've been craving for forever, please.
and if you're that heartless than you can burn in hell with your greedy worthless heart.

Class and Sass

Amanda knows what I'm talking about! <3

I love and hate my trepidations.
I hate needing any reassurance or glorious amount of affection to know that things are good.
I don't know why I feel like there's a void and I don't know why I can't blame anyone aside from myself, with everything I wish I could.
I need to stop worrying.
Fuck I'm good enough, BETTER than good enough.

Must. Have. This. Book.

"A lot of men want a woman to mother them. They get with a woman and all they do is regress to the point where you might think he might not be capable to take care of himself at all. I don’t want another mother. I want a woman. I want to rise to the occasion. I want to learn and bask in your glow. I want to protect you and do whatever I can to give you strength. There is no twist to this. I am not about to blow my brains out. You have not cut me up like others have. It’s just this. I want to love you with everything in me. I need your help because I don’t know anything about it. I am suspicious and ready to leave and hit the cold road for the frozen dawn. I am just going to trust you with everything in me. I see now that it’s the only reason to be here. After kissing you, I cannot remember what it was like to kiss any other woman. At this point I am not sure if I ever have."

-Henry Rollins, Solipsist

Dream 15

1. You forget 90% of your dreams. Within 5 minutes of waking, half of your dream is forgotten. Within 10, 90% is gone.

2. Blind people also dream. People who became blind after birth can see images in their dreams. People who are born blind do not see any images, but have dreams equally vivid involving their other senses of sound, smell, touch and emotion.

3. Everybody dreams. Every human being dreams (except in cases of extreme psychological disorder). If you think, you are not dreaming, you just forget your dreams.

4. In our dreams, we only see faces that we already know. Our mind is not inventing faces – in our dreams we see real faces of real people that we have seen during our life but may not know or remember. We have all seen hundreds of thousands of faces throughout our lives, so we have an endless supply of characters for our brain to utilize during our dreams.

5. Not everybody dreams in color. A full 12% of sighted people dream exclusively in black and white. The remaining number dream in full color. Studies from 1915 through to the 1950s maintained that the majority of dreams were in black and white, but these results began to change in the 1960s. Today, only 4.4% of the dreams of under-25 year-olds are in black and white. Recent research has suggested that those changing results may be linked to the switch from black-and-white film and TV to color media.

6. Dreams are symbolic. If you dream about some particular subject it is not often that the dream is about that. Dreams speak in a deeply symbolic language. Whatever symbol your dream picks on it is most unlikely to be a symbol for itself.

7. Emotions; The most common emotion experienced in dreams is anxiety. Negative emotions are more common than positive ones.

8. You can have four to seven dreams in one night. On average, you can dream anywhere from one or two hours every night.

9. Animals dream too. Studies have been done on many different animals, and they all show the same brain waves during dreaming sleep as humans. Watch a dog sleeping sometime. The paws move like they are running and they make yipping sounds as if they are chasing something in a dream.

10. Body Paralysis.

Rapid eye movement (REM) sleep is a normal stage of sleep characterized by rapid movements of the eyes. REM sleep in adult humans typically occupies 20-25% of total sleep, about 90-120 minutes of a night’s sleep.

During REM sleep the body is paralyzed by a mechanism in the brain in order to prevent the movements which occur in the dream from causing the physical body to move. However, it is possible for this mechanism to be triggered before, during, or after normal sleep while the brain awakens.

11. Dream Incorporation. Our mind interprets the external stimuli that our senses are bombarded with when we are asleep and make them a part of our dreams. This means that sometimes, in our dreams, we hear a sound from reality and incorporate it in a way. For example you may be dreaming that you are in a concert, while your brother is playing a guitar during your sleep.

12. Men and women dream differently. Men tend to dream more about other men. Around 70% of the characters in a man’s dream are other men. On the other hand, a woman’s dream contains almost an equal number of men and women. Aside from that, men generally have more aggressive emotions in their dreams than the female lot.

13. Precognitive Dreams. Results of several surveys across large population sets indicate that between 18% and 38% of people have experienced at least one precognitive dream and 70% have experienced déjà vu. The percentage of persons that believe precognitive dreaming is possible is even higher, ranging from 63% to 98%.

14. If you are snoring, then you cannot be dreaming.

15. You can experience an orgasm in your dreams. You can not only have s e x as pleasurable as in your real life while dreaming, but also experience an o r g a s m as strong as a real one, without any wet results. The sensations felt while lucid dreaming (touch, pleasure and etc..) can be as pleasurable and strong (or I believe even stronger) as the sensations experienced in the real world.