last day of the worst year of my life.

so lets make this next one count.

1. I will learn to focus on MY happiness, and noone elses.
2. I will guard my heart, and protect myself from every person, until they give me a real reason to let them in.
3. I will finsih the twilight zone marathon.
4. I will graduate with high 90's.
5. I will try harder to break out of my shell.
6. I will never ever burn bridges for a guy.
7. I will always keep my friends FIRST.
8. I will take more chances, more risks. let's make it interesting.
9. I will obviously still stay straight edge.
10. I will never obsess over some flaw I may think I have on my body.
11. I will try desperatly to not judge others, though I know they're judging me.
12. I will still hate every weight loss commercial and their fake skank bitch sluts.
13. I won't contridict myself like I just did for # 11 & 12.
14. It's my life, my turn to be happy, no more putting others before me, gain more self-respect without becoming cocky.
15. Learn to keep my huge heart without getting it broken all the time.


I kinda wish I had cooler resolutions.

oh, brain.

i'm always screwing something up, whether it be a friendship or a simple grilled cheese sandwhich. i know in my heart that i am not ready. because my past has proven this so countless times. in my mind i feel like im completely over it, i felt alone far before it ever ended. I cried every night for at least 3 months, because of this one person, who thought i was being stupid. that right there, thats me still holding onto the past, and i need to let go. he fucked up, he lost something good, and he'll be alone and regretting the way he treated me, regretting losing me. look, im doing it again. stop brainpeice! I do love this one, certain person. so much, and losing him as my friend is the scariest thing i could ever think of. and he's so perfect, his heart amazes me, he has the CUTEST laugh i think i've ever heard in my entire exsistance. he made me listen to "hear you breathe," and that is my song. totally. I'm just scared that if i do fall IN love with him, and we do become something more than friends, then i'll totally ruin it, but he's so confident in me. and i guess having so much faith from someone in me, when i don't even have faith in myself is what scares me most. this boy, this perfection i have in my life right now, is so untouchable, literally. hes 3000 miles away, and he swears to wait for me until i can be with him. but i don't want to wait, i wish i could right now so i could just stop all this thinking and have fun. he's my comfort, my support system, and my very best friend, i just don't want to ruin it with a relationship, one that he wants so badly. i do to, don't get me wrong, i would love to be with him as more than a friend, hes the boy every girl dreams to have, funny, smart, cute, calls me a bitch in a nice way, i love it. plus...im pretty sure he has a nice bod ahh! hehe. slut. whatever. i'm over analyzing just like i always do, i still have at least 6 months before i can move out there, and so he and i have to put relationship dreams on hold, i'm positive in that time frame i can totally move on from my last break up, and get over my past. like the song says, "taught me to forget my past and look into your eyes to see the truth." i'll be doing that soon, i promise ju ju bean. I do love you, but i dont want to lose our friend ship ever! youre too too too too too important, youre THAT important to me that i care this much. i've never thought over anything this intense before...so be honored ammorrican. i'm crossing my fingers this blog won't fuck me over and ruin everything between us. I wish i could muster up the courage to tell him im not ready, that i just want friendship for now.

this is all about the grilled cheese sandwhich i swear.

I really do.

I need to get new paint markers, fat ones, not the skinny bitch ones i have. I'm drawing a new peice and I'm really excited about it. Someone come hang out !

I really despise life insurance commercials. did you ever notice how happy they are? and how content they seem in talking about their future deaths. I'm never going to consider that until I'm at the age of at least 76, not 40. I really have to go clean. :(

L.O.M.

I've been burned 3 times. I gave them everything I could give, I loved them with everything I had and they walked out on me. They weren't ready for a girl with real heart, real passion. I want a boy to call me his, and wake up in arms of someone who loves me unconditionally, a boyfriend, a best friend, all in one. Someone who doesn't put up a front to get what they want, someone where sex isnt really what they want. I want to cuddle and give kisses on the cheek and dance. I want to share a world with this one person. I know he's out there, and I know what I need to do more than anything right now is focus on school and MY future. I know what I want out of my life, I have goals and dreams of my phd in english literature, a cozy home, an irish wolfhound...and a family, of my own. I want to travel to australia, and play with kangaroos! I will make a difference in this world, I'm motivated, I'm determined. Watch me rise.

reaccuring.

I keep having this dream, and I can't decide whether it's perfect or creepy. It starts out the same every time. I'm in an apartment thats all white, the couch is white, the carpet is white the kitchen is white, everything. The couch looks like its made out of one of those huge white puffy feather blankets, the ones that always look warm and cuddly, and the only color is flashing on a white tv. It starts out me coming out of a black room, smiling and wearing white clothes. and I go into the kitchen and make cereal in a white bowl, but the cereal is all color. so then I walk into the living room and sit on the ground leaning against the giant comfy couch, and i flip the channels between cartoons and DHC. and i'm really happy. like i wish this wasn't a dream because i seem so content with life. im watching what seems to be felix the cat? and a person comes out of the black room and walks all sleeply over and kisses me on the top of my head and grumbles. then walks into the kitchen, makes cereal and sits next to me on the floor and we watch cartoons together. and i lay my head on his shoulder and say something that must make him happy because he pulls me in close. then i spill cereal on him and we have a food fight and the color gets all over the room. I never see his face, I don't know who this person is in my dream but i wish i did.
ANYWAYS.
I'm looking at the BU study abroad program. and I really really, hope i get accepted so I can go to australia for a summer semester. I want to play with kangaroos! It's a travel writing program, and they take you basically on a vacation, from sydney to the middle of the outback, they make you write about the cultures or politics or anything related to australia on the trip. I feel like I can do that. I've wanted to be there for so so long, I know I can make this happen, I just really need to "buckle-down." or whatever.
!!!

I still have to go christmas shopping before tomorrow night.
shit.

and another thing..

Fuck all these beauty contests. Life is just one big beauty contest after another. Wipe off your spray-tans and grow up. Your world should never revolve around your cup size, the amount of makeup you cake on everyday, or what shirt shows your boobcrack best. All these girls are running around trying to prep themselves up for a guy that just wants sex, why? why are you doing this to yourself? A real guy should love you for your mind, and what's inside, of course attraction is vital in any relationship, but you shouldn't need to lower yourself into a billboard for cancer-by-tan and a cake for face lifestyle. You always wonder why you end up getting hurt. It's because people won't respect someone who can't even respect themself. whatever. I know for a fact I'm one step ahead than most girls. Love me for my mind, my passion and my heart. not my "sweet ass."

"She's a wild orchid in your ugly swamp."

I WANT MY LIFE BACK.

I don't even know if I'll even keep tabs on this. But I really want to try to at least write some bullshit in this at LEAST once a month. For starters, I'm really going to focus on finding out who I am, and protecting myself from getting hurt. I just got out of a relationship where I gave my heart away to another boy who treated me badly. I love the wrong people, people who don't care as much as I do. I need to find a boy to appreciate me as much as I do him. I'm not looking for someone to "complete" me, just to share happiness with me. I want to give him the world, and I just want to be in his. I'm going to focus on friends and school since it's my last year until everyone moves. If a boy comes along, then of course I won't put up too much of a fight. But I'm really going to gain more self-respect, self-awareness and dignity then I already have. I don't need a person to complete me, I just need to find out who I am before I can fall in love with someone else. I am gaining ground to earning my independence. I can't wait for what the future is holding for me.

THIS IS MY ETERNAL HOPE.