Monday, November 23, 2009

I need to keep my mouth shut.
It's incredibly stupid to tell people what I am feeling.
It's a mistake to talk to people when I think about them, or let them in on a piece of my thoughts. I never say anything negative, those are locked up inside of me.

shit, I must come off crazy with all these emotions.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


why do human beings hurt each other.

Just finished reading "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close,"
I recommend it to everyone.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


My hands are cold but I've got the warmest heart, out of my mouth spills cliche' ideas and humble words. I can not change this, I can not change myself I can't look down when I"m always looking up. I am a hopeful, I am a romantic, and I strive to defy cynicism. I am searching for a path off of this misanthropist one. I want to find the good in you again, I want to bury myself inside of your heart and keep you warm on these cold nights, and make your smile stretch from horizon to horizon.

I hate writing research papers on love, especially when I'm so far from the one I crave. Damn you Plato and Diotima, you can take your Eros elsewhere.

Monday, November 16, 2009

You're a hypocrite.
You think too highly of yourself, and you create these weird situations in your head before you actually know whats going on.

I hate being rude and I hate being disrespectful, especially to someone I barely know, but

grow up.
Don't get ahead of yourself.

A friend was all I was searching for, nothing more.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

you sir,

who are you?
I probably deserved it,

but not from you.

Thursday, November 5, 2009


Big white bed, a blanket filled with the softness of feathers.
Pillows like castle walls around your body, holding your curves softly.
Your arms reach up towards the shadow of the blinds on your wall. The sun greets you with warmth on your face, fooling you to the bitterness on the outside. You're spine stretches and your tummy is tormented with a subtle ticklish feeling, coupled with that ever so sweet release of sleep.
Dragging hands slowly wipe away the dreams from your skin.

Huge windows around your bed, letting in the worlds beauty to start your morning.
It's not too bad to wake alone, because I suppose you're not truly alone. Love and hope sleep beside you every night, kissing you before you sleep. You wake to a new beginning every single day. You've made friends with the stars and the moon, the sun and it's rays. You're connected to something much greater than your mind allows you to recognize.

I can't wait for the day where I step outside bundled up in my coat, a scarf wrapped tightly around me, fighting the cold. The click of my heels as I walk under city lights and the flurries of snow. Blood creeps up to my face, my cheeks are red and my eyes are burning bright. I'll walk to some quaint cafe and indulge in some christmas flavored coffee, reminiscing the past and all the things I've done with every person I've ever loved. I'll kiss the sky under mistletoe, take my steps out and admire the beauty in every passing face. Every body is precious and the lives behind their eyes will make me feel a little more whole.


I wonder why money is so important.
I know I've touched on this subject before, but it's kind of a big deal. I mean greed is the only thing that's survived through history. It's been alive since the beginning of man, it's just sad. It's caused humans to enslave each other, torture each other in gruesome ways. Greed holds down every person with the weight of debt, of want, materialistic cravings. It's all so old. The greed of banks, haha for example, has cast a shadow over me just for my want to further my education. I've got interest being charged and my hours are cut. I lost my debit card so I have to wait for a new one to start paying off my 3000 dollar semester, which yes, isn't a lot, but when you've got other bills and groceries and now Christmas coming up it's a little ridiculous. But the more I wait the more I'm charged. It's total injustice, we're not free. We'll never be free from anything.

I want more coffeeeeee

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

the etch a sketch in my brain has been shaken and wiped clean.

The shield of anxiety has finally collapsed beneath the weight of all this new found hope.
Such an inhuman waste of time to have felt such regret for so long.
It's better now.
I can finally focus and these thoughts that kept me up at night are set loose. They can collect dirt and dust with the rest of this corrupted ground. The plague that had control over my brain is cured. I don't need to hope for better days because I know that they will happen.

Time to focus on my GPA and getting the fuck out of here.
I'll find warmth under street lights else where, this city is too small for my dreams.

Monday, November 2, 2009

k crazy.

My romance driven self repels a lot of nice things. It's really quite stupid, I find something I like and then conjure up stupid dreams about it. I get dreamy eyed and amorous. I charm my logicality until it stops fighting me and becomes swept away into all this nonsense. I realized as I was typing this that fairytale love stories don't exist. And even if they did, life would never allow "...And they lived happily ever after." There's far too many malicious viruses and cruel diseases that people inflict on one another. It's so hard for me to accept that there are people who exist, who are so stone hearted that they bring down anyone who shows even a glimpse of happiness. I think that's why I get so worked up, because I am totally and utterly naive to the idea that this is reality. I was also stupid to think that this innocent childlike side of me could ever help spawn adult relationships. I bet I come off to people as love hungry, mixed up and too much.

I'm just passion starved. I'm just full of a heavy heart and I carry a secret regret that is hard for everyone to understand. I am mixed up in my memories, I sometimes find myself thinking about what I could have done to change it. And I KNOW it's stupid and a waste of time, but I'm still trying to figure out how put it behind me. You won't understand until you've walked through my shoes. Ever since my dad left me I've been alone, and I think I've done a fucking fantastic job raising myself. I'm much too mature I think, I never had a chance to imagine as a kid. So I make up for it with wishful hopeless romantic dreams. I just want to feel complete I guess. And I am going to start filling the void with love for myself, and I won't keep looking to other people to help me. I think I should start reading more books, and going more places, exploring more land, cover more ground. Maybe it could help set me free from this prison of thoughts.

eff this overthinking shit. It get's too old, and I think I'm the only person who thinks into things THIS much.

Word life.

Take down the layers of earth stone by stone, pebble by pebble. Down to the scolding core. I'm dissatisfied with what I've seen, unimpressed by the way others their lives with little to no meaning. When I reach the center of this chaotic mess, I will start forming my own ground, my own earth. I'll take the pieces of whats left in my heart and stick them into the remains, breathe ice atop it, securing my endless passion inside. Create my own moral foundation, I'll build up my new world, alone. Making it stronger than it could have ever been without the help of another's hand. My back will ache with the weight of all I've carried to this place in time. I'll persevere through it though, I won't give up until I'm back to the top, back to where it all started, but this time it will be something I can call my own. Can I figure this all out as quickly as I'd hoped? Will I always roam with the intention of finding a place to call home?
Well at least this first step is done; that I can realize that this is all on me. Home won't be the arms of a man, I won't lay my head upon his chest and hear the worlds very breath. Instead, I will put it all together stone by stone, pebble by pebble, until I can become the person I aspire to be, at peace with the home and life I've created on my own.
Craving my independence, I want it to grow just a little bigger.

I really wanted to write something right now, and that's the best I can do at the moment. The words aren't fitting together as well as I wanted to but it's whatever. I'm excited to actually do well in classes and get my own apartment somewhere outside of New York, hopefully MA. I can't wait to wake up to my own cup of coffee, made right there in my own little Massachusetts apartment.