fuckery.

I FUCKING HATE YOU.
GO FUCK YOURSELVES.
There is nothing behind your eyes but insecurities, and air. Mindless and craving attention, willing to fuck everyone over to get your way. You're selfish and inconsiderate, blind and deaf to what once was. You deserve what you got, and what you'll get.
Hurting me does not make you admirable, wanted, or "cool." Your loss, Your regret.
I should have trusted my friends. I should have took their warnings, I shouldn't have given anyone a chance. But oh silly me and my big heart. always getting fucked over.
You can't be that dumb to not see how wrong this is. whatever.
i'm better off without you, all of you.


fuck this place.

...

How should I be feeling right now?
I keep thinking of two years ago.
I don't want too.
I just want to get it out of my head, forget it all.
A face from the past sparks so many memories.
I hate this.

3 weeks later.

Mitchell came back after three weeks of touring and brought me these, I was so happy to see him!

Last night we went out with another couple and we saw Slumdog Millionaire. It was AMAZING! I didn't expect it to be so touching, and the story was so intense, the love part of it, the everlasting hope the character had to find this one girl was something I wanted, still a part of me does.

When we arrived back to my house, mitchell walked me to my porch. It was 12 in the morning and everyone inside was asleep. I was digging through my purse and so shyly he asked "would you be my girlfriend..." and I looked at him and smiled. I hugged him and said yes. I never expected this, honestly, three years ago when I met him, I did think he was cute. I left it at that though. I'm happy, we'll see where this goes. Things are going to be different. He's going to see the real me, no more changing for guys, accept me as I am now. And my friends, my friends are still the most important.

and J.D. APRIL! I'm so excited to fucking hangout! We're going to tear ALbany apart, not AULbany. :) I can't wait for hugs! and screaming anti social.

fuck. yes.

Flower of Stone.

I was driving back home through the snow. The grey clouds were splashed against the even darker sky. The patter of the rain filled my ears and I became distant to the music that was playing. A fallen tree, as tall as the sky had crashed onto its neighbors. It looked so helpless. Something that appeared to be so strong had been ripped down and destroyed its own. It reminds me of the way I see people. We walk around fending for only ourselves. The only way to live is for yourself, and though the bravest thing you could do is live for others. You act taller than everyone else, looking down on every movement and every notion of those "below" you, but when it comes down to it, you're willing to bring them all down with you. Opening your heart to theirs and keeping them safe inside. Miles of affection building inside, but now, when there is so much deceit and hate, there is noone to give it too. No one but yourself. It's so disgusting how many lies are whispered, how much hate is breathed. The facade of strength - lying side by side with hate and judgemental attitudes. True strength should be measured by your heart. Open minded to every new person and expeirence. Courage. Courage in love, to love. When we live on rage, it is safer. Safe from heart break and any let down. But wheres the adventure? The lessons you learn are greater in let downs than sitting on the side lines. And the fall down from the top is so much more devestating. Anger is a companion better left behind until needed. It shouldn't grow into your skin, speak out in your words. Embracing the unknown, is what we should be doing. Lending our hearts to anyone in need, no matter the risk. Let your insecurites wave out, past the horizon in your mind. They don't belong in your sight or anyone elses. That's what will hurt the most. Love and trust in who you are, who you want to become. When you've finished doing that, you can really begin to enjoy life.

soon;

So many wasted tears.

I see your face and my spine curls, my skin crawls, and I become nauseated. Every reminiscence that's coupled with the sight of you, I become disgusted. Disgusted with what used to be your touch, your smell, the way you felt. Everything. You live your life in the saddest way I've ever seen. You're the reason I don't believe anymore.

I will find someone who actually deserves me. Deserves my attention and my time, because you certainly never did.

I don't believe in second chances.

true. love.

dice.

"Roll with the punches, that's how life goes
Don't dwell on the future, it's out of my hands.
what's done is done, forget about my past. "

My past is where it belongs, the people who I left behind are gone for a reason. Most certainly on bad terms I've severed our ties, but in any case I'm thanking you from the bottom of my heart. What you put me through, what I learned is the most valueable thing I could ever posess. I'll carry these scars, these memories, and build the strongest armor with them. Building myself up with learned lessons from my mistakes and yours. I used to run on hate, pulsing through my veins I wanted nothing to do with anyone. I kept a distance, I judged with the most sincere rage. I aspired to be respected, but feared is what I ended up with. I started out silent and sweet, and I ended up getting hurt countless times. I thought living in rage would create a better world for me, a safety of hearts. Which part of it did, but I was counted out of great things. I didn't like meeting new people, I didn't like being nice. I'm trying now to embrace new oppourtunities. But I am going to keep my anger with me, It does not hold me down. I'm able to mold it into a saftey aspect more than a living habit. Open-hearted, Open-minded, I love to the fullest. One thing will always remain with me though;
One Chance.
If you screw up once, I'm severing ties, pushing you out of sight and out of mind.
As far as I'm concerned a person not putting effort into a friendship is not worth my time.
Kindergarden still teaches me the greatest thing anyone could have ever taught me;
Treat others the way you would like to be treated.

On a somewhat separate note, I will remain to be a tad bit cocky, because I am in love with the person I've become. Beauty is after the storm; my scars, trials and tribulations have so much beauty in them. They've created the person I am today, this moment in time. I couldn't be happier with myself, I love it.

Kissable and quiet.

I want to go camping. I'm going to talk to amanda and Kaylee and see if they want to go to the cabin soon. I miss the summer, I miss everything about it. The weather, the feeling, the fun.

Soon it'll all come back.

I cannot wait.

I can't wait for a lot of things. Especially getting out of this shithole.

getting out of this state.

getting out of this country.

I can't wait to make something of myself, Get my phd and create a life I always dreamed of.

This life is mine, this life is mine to make it into what I want. I will be someone great, I will impact lives, no matter how small or large, someone or something will be effected by me.

I am so fucking excited.

god.

I hate you.
I can't believe I wasted tears on you.

valentines day;

Is such a silly day. It's a buisness day, a pointless day. You shouldn't dedicate one special day to the person you love, I think it should be an everyday thing.

But hippocrate as I am; I really do wish Mitch was here for it. So I could snuff him.
We're going to have our own make up day though, I'm really excited!
I'm going to go clean up now, I just thought I'd write something in here, I haven't had any time to write down all my thoughts in here. I miss having a daily update, It makes juggling everything less stressfull. The more I write things down, the less I think about them.

obvious.

hold fast.

I'm finally done. Done feeling sorry for the people I left behind so long ago. Nice girls do finish last, that's the honest truth. But it's more important to me to keep my heart open and full of hope for a better expeirence after each bad. I'd rather be real. I'd rather be honest, with myself and everyone else. I'd rather be true to my own dreams. Someone I knew decided it would be a great idea to accuse me of not caring. Not wondering how they've been doing the past few months, when they themself has not even asked me how i've been. Caring is my life. It's why I'm always fucked over. It's why I'm always getting hurt; I care too much, and often too much about the wrong people. It doesn't matter. I'm so suprised in myself for how I handled everything, The old me would've sulked for days on end about a ruthless, pathetic plea for attention. But I know in my heart I did all I could, I loved as much as I could. I cared for as long as I could. Besides, everything I put up with taught me a lesson. I wouldn't trade these scars for anything; the lessons I hold in my mind are more valuable than any materialistic, or ideal thing. My messy past, full of woe and pain; it was all worth it. Every moment, every tear. And I'm so happy. I love who I've become. A strong, beautiful, intelligent, and hopefull hearted woman. I know what I want. I've got my head on straight and my sights set on my dreams. I won't change for a boy ever again - they should accept me for who I am now. I'm so proud of myself for coming so far. I don't get hung up on snide remarks, I just throw it back in their faces 5 times harder. I love it, I love the intimidation of the future. I love the bumpy roads I have to go through to get there. I've got the confidence, the drive, and the mind. Nothing can be better. I feel I have every reason to be a little cocky. I'm so in love with my life. Honestly!

"What counts is that we struggle to find the strength in our hearts

to make the days this is the hardest breath, that we can fucking breathe

is that we struggle to find the peace that exists within our hearts"

two days later.

I need this for my bedroom.


To fall asleep below everynight, where my dreams rescue me from the worries I conjur up every day and night.


I discovered some artwork that I think is so adorable, and the mustache paintings make me think of bear. http://www.marcjohns.com/artwork25.html


Check it out!

I have been so rediculously busy the past few weeks, friendship ties are loosening because of it, and for that I apologize. But I'm trying so hard to pull everything together. I'm looking for a new job so I can buy a car, save up money for college and air fare expenses. And then prom at the end of the year. so much to do! I'm reading so much chuck palahniuk lately, He's so eccentric and I love how he writes. Everyone should read lullaby. I went to the valentines day dance with amanda, brock, jarrod, kaylee and danny. The dance it self bombed, I can't believe how much grinding and fucking lap dances were going on. I was talking to danny about music and straight edge and I looked over and there was this girl rubbing her ass all over some guys lap. EW. where the fuck is everyones self-respect!? It's valentines day-about romance and love, NOT sex and fucking. get over yourselves. Everyone looked beautiful and handsome, and Going with friends is more fun than anything. The best part about the dance was actually after, when we all went to amanda's and talked about everything and anything until 1 in the morning. I love my friends!

Jarrod got Kaylee and I valentine presents, he's so sweet! He got me the most amazing (obnoxious card) sunglasses ever! haha we're going shopping winter break so he can give me a wardrobe makeover :) I always look awkard in pictures. But I loved my outfit. I wanted a pink dress or a red dress, but I didn't have time to find any so I just recycled. I loved the end result, I looked like a pin-up! at least that's what I was told. School is so easy lately, careful not to jinx myself. I'm half watching a movie where some girl's controlling boyfriend told her to bleach her hair and do it up like ms. monroe, and she went to touch it and her hair fell out. THAT SUCKS. I'm terrified of that happening to me. Everytime I do a touch up, it freaks me out.

Mitchell is on tour for three weeks and I miss him. he's always trying to snuff me and annoy me, I miss it! haha.

Story of my life.

Why does my mind keep wandering back to the places I'm trying to lock out? I don't understand why I'm thinking like this. Who cares? It's already made me a happier person, this whole situation has made me a better person. Is that possible in such a short amount of time? Is it worth it, the time I have left in this state, is it really worth it to pursue this. I want too. I'd like too. I most likely will end up doing so, even though I know theres a limit until I have to move. My heart is contridicting every thought. In a good way. I'll start to think something stupid, like what would people think. And I'll cancel it out with "I laugh." I haven't laughed in so long. Not like this. My friends are happy, so I am too. I've thought about it for three years. Three. and I didn't really think anything of it. I didn't think it would happen. I'm happy it did. I found something, in someone, I didn't expect to find. I know that nothing would break it, nothing would destroy what I could have. Except me. I won't screw things up this time like I do with everything else. I won't procrastinate, I won't silently fight these good thoughts, I won't let what anyone thinks affect this. Not. Even. Me. Reading this over it sounds like I'm skeptical, like I'm unsure of what I want exactly. Yet I can see what I want, clearly in mind it's there. I just need to push these bad thoughts back, kill these insecurities, these what ifs, these "buts." It's wrapped tightly in every song I admire, twisting into honor, intwining with hope. One Life. One Chance. I'll do what I love, and fuck the rest.

Beauty is after the storm.

I think I found something in someone I didn't expect.

I'm happy with it.

I don't care what my mind, or what anyone else thinks about it.

I'm happy.