pure.

I'm listening to this right now. I can't help but feel connected.
My ears are soaking this up, I forgot how much I'm in love with this album.

Thank you.

The new new found glory cd does cheer me up. always has always will.


I need to refocus on the good things again.
Find the beauty in the worst situations, like I used too.
I need to bring back some old parts of me, the parts that people took advantage of, walked all over.

weird mood.

Somewhere on a beach, I'm standing alone. The wind brushes up against me, and it sends chills down my spine. The waves are hurling machines of power, and I think of the undertoe. It's unforgiving, and yet so peacefull underneath. It's an innocent act of nature really, It's been here before any of us, Just fitting the pattern it's had for all these years. You don't hear anything but water, but still the fear rushes over you. I start to imagine every person thats crossed this path i'm in. The foot prints that are being eaten up by the water, I wonder where the person is, and what theyre doing. I'm hoping with everything that they are not alone, that wherever they are, they're comfortable in happyness. Every wave tumbling down over the sand steals my breath. I look out towards the horizion, where stars have been splashed out all over. They're burning bright, and I'd like to think that somewhere amoung them, someone is looking back at me. The water reaches my toes and I dig them into the sand, My thoughts are tangled in the moon, being cast out with every roll of the wave, with a new one being sent in. The night is slipping by me, I'm watching it creep by. I want to hold on tight and never let this image go, but I know soon the moon will be gone and the sun will rise. Right now more than ever I'm longing for my dreams to be fufilled. All I ever really wanted to was to love someone, to care for them. On this beach I want to have someone to hold their hand. I want to put my hand on their cheek and look into their eyes. Pull them in close, stand on my tippy toes and kiss them on the forehead, then turn and face the world together. But here and now, where the darkness is spilling over, and the only source of light is from the moon, I am living for myself. I brace myself for the first cracks of orange and deep yellow to rise up from the oceans. The sun will be low and waiting to peak its rays up from whatever vacation it's been on. And I'll have to face a day where everyone runs around hating everyone else. Living in fear of what people are thinking about them. Mucking around following the same routine thats been engraved into our brains. Wake to work, and nothing but. Petty drama and fights that won't last, or won't matter in months. Who cares, who gives a shit what anyone else is thinking about you? This is your life. This is your time, no one can ever take it from you.This is my time, This is my life. I'm never taking you or anything for granted. I've had struggles, fights and rage, but life is always worse off for someone else. It's just up to you to find the beauty in whatever situation your in. I live in hope, It's my core. Sometimes it sets me up for a fall, but I trust in it regardless. I don't care what you think of me, I don't care what kindof shit comes from your mouth. I'll take care of myself. I'll make it through everything the world throws at me.
"Just love the world that won't love you back."

slow down.

I have such a massive headache from giving blood yesterday, I'm so sluggish and I can't stand it.

I really want to go down to the art place tonight and get some new paint markers, and maybe go to the ceramics display downtown. Everyone had to make a bird, and I made a swallow. I want to go see it "flying" up with the rest of them.

Ughhhh, I keep losing my focus on school and college. I keep drifting back to my wants. And it's like so impossible to stop my wishfull thinking, and stop wanting to find what I feel is missing.

Why can't I just figure this out? Why can't I rest at night and know that I feel whole.

I want to be in love again.

I hate being single during this weather. Seriously.

It's a beautiful day out, in every sense of the word. And all I want to do is hold someones hand.

Fuck this.

crap.

There is absolutley NOTHING more frustrating than a CD that skips.

FUCK.

And I also am annoyed at myself for bitching so much about being single.

And I hate feet.

And I don't like superficial, orange tanning booth bimbos.

Or when people try to be cute and try to impress me by acting all "tough."

"Be yourself. Be honest. Be honest with yourself." and then you can impress me.

Real people, True people, Loyal people, that's all it takes.

This skipping track is making me so pissed.

I just want to listen to American Nightmare!!!

I'm going to go clean this c.d. now.

Summer days and lonely nights.

This is what my life has been consisting of for a few weeks now.

All day I'm surrounded by friends, laughing, having fun. We'll stay out until the night is almost over, until the morning reaches us. But then I come home, to an empty, quiet room. Everyone is already asleep, dreaming the best dreams they can. Side by side with their love.

So I come home and open the curtains, raise the blinds. I have my feet up on my drawer, biting on my pen cap, my nervous habit. I look out and see the dark sky speckled with stars. The moon is thrown over the top of it all, huge and looking down on this quiet city. I can see the top of the trees from the park across the street, they're bare. The leaves are on the ground, waiting to be piled up and jumped into by all the little kids. I have the t.v. on, listening to the infomercials about the "Magic Bullet," or "Hip Hop Abs." I'm not really paying attention to the overly tan, overly excited, overly smiley people talking about little machines, or dance moves that can "turn your life around." I'm sitting here looking out the window, waiting for something exciting to happen, while I dream about being anywhere but here. I've got my graffiti written all over my walls, and the only thing I want to do is outline it all in gold. Staying Gold. Forever.

When is the boy of my dreams going to come along?

When is this job going to call me?

When is the boredom of night going to stop?

When are my thoughts ever going to rest and let me sleep a full 8 hours.

I'm not an insomniac, I'm just hopefull.

So anyway.

Today I had to do a presentation for my English Class. The assignment was to go through our books and choose either a short story or a poem, and then read and discuss it to the class. I choose the obvious, Robert Frost, "Nothing Gold Can Stay." NOT because all the "hardcore" kids have it tattooed on their bodies. NOT because it's a popular poem from The Outsiders, (though that is an amazing book). But because I love the meaning behind it. I love the message in it. But I'm going to step up, I'm not going to watch the greatest things of my life wither away like the flower, or subside to leaf, something lower, or something unchanged then from what it should be. I'm going to try my hardest to make my dreams come true. I'm going with full force, and I'm throwing this decietfull fucking cruel world every fucking ounce of hope I have at it. Nothing will bring me down, Nothing can fucking break me. I've got my friends, I've got my dreams, and I've got this everlasting hope, Things always get better.

always.

fuck you superficial bitches.

Everyone has flaws. Embrace them, accept them. They are the unique and beautiful things about us that puts us apart from everyone else. Love the person for everything they are, want to be, have been.


in any case.

I want someone to come lay under the stars with me tonight. We can build our own constellations.

I want to

be in love with someone.
Or at least hold hands with someone I like.
whoever that is.






find me.

Migrate.

This young and I'm already feeling suffocated. So many miles to cover, so many places I'd rather be. I need to get out of here. Away from the same crowds, the same groups, clicks. It's all the same. No matter where I go in this state, I always feel something familliar, something or
someone I don't want to feel near me. Memories are swarming around me every place I go to, the harder I try to push them away the more they fight to stay. Society is putting our focus on one thing only, which is work. Work when we wake, work until we sleep. Work from birth, work
until death. I feel like the only thing meant for us is to become something society would like. To contribute to a world where everything is a beauty contest. It's all the fucking same wherever you go. High School, College, Work, It's all a fucking contest. Why can't we focus on what's really important? Ourselves. Who we fucking are. Why is there never any time, any day devoted to finding what we love, who we are, what we want from life, really, want? I have my goals in place, I know what I want to DO. But I really want, always wanted is so cliche'. Something I had
once, It was a beautiful, perfect relationship. Then it crumbled, mindless fucking twat bitches getting in the way. I let my world become a boy, I let my life be about becoming someones lover, best friend, everything all in one. That was all I ever wanted. To wake up in the arms of
the boy who I loved most, who loved me most back. It wasn't a need or an addiction of each other, It was just an untouchable bond to have. The sun would pour threw the big open windows, and blankets would be like clouds hurled underneath us as we laughed and talked and cuddled and were just together. I don't want to need anyone, I don't need anyone, I just want that company, that unbreakable relationship. That was my real dream. But I can't focus on something so small. Life is so much bigger than that, so I've come to know, to be told and reminded of day in and day out. These girly notions of true love and neverending smiles and laughs, there not what I should want so much. So I can't look for it anymore. I'm hoping that it'll just find me. Please find me. Please.

I need to get out of here. This place is so dull and so suffocating. I hate the same people. I want to go to Boston, Australia, California, Ireland. I will go there I promise on everything I have I'll be in those places at one point or another. Do what you love and fuck the rest, right? I wanna do things for myself, prove my real independence. I just don't want to be in Troy anymore. I'm going to cross all the borders, roam every mile. Have new expeirences to carry with me all throughout the rest of my life. Meet new people, make new friends, create new memories. That's what I want now. I want a happy, adventerous life. Which is usually really hard for a shy girl,
but I'll stick it out.I'm going to be making 80 thousand dollars a year, driving an Audi T.T. and playing with kangaroos and my irish wolfhounds in the backyard of Australia. It's going to
happen. This will happen.

It is happening.

what if.

its 2:08, do you know where your brain is?

I want a Nikon D40.
and a Gorilla Biscuits dress.

breathe.

I want to sail an ocean. I want to live with bravery, to dream, to trust, to travel the world with no limits. No such thing as debt, or restraints, or any person to cause me harm, to stop me from this. I will dream, and I will make it reality.

Soon I'll be walking in the outback of Australia, chasing kangaroos and splashing around in the brightest blue waters. I'll walk the cliffs of Ireland, and roam the streets of Dublin, exploring every wrinkle and corner within its borders. Learning bits of Gaelic, and having the time of my life learning as much as I can. I'll hold the hand of someone who loves me most, waking up being cradeled in their arms, safe and awake, happy and untouchable, with a love purely unbreakable. Together will capture memories, make moments to last us a lifetime.

But for now, while I'm stuck in this shit town, fending for my own, I'll strive and thrive for my dreams. Independent and motivated, dignified and excited. This is life. This, is it.

I hate snow storms.

With an ear to the ground I can hear everything turn cold. The surface cracks and the from the crevices of the earth creep last bits of life. The last bits of hope. There is no sheild to protect me from the storm, barreling down the forest walls. There is no one to save me, no prince charming to rescue me on his white horse. If I blink, I could miss the real warnings, and be buried beneath the snow, suffocating on what it brings with it. The pain, the fear, and the humiliation of being lost. I have to muster up the strength to rise above, above the hate pointed straight at my heart. You'd think my heart was at it's weakest, the easiest target. You were wrong. I'll turn my back to the storm. Created out of nothing but spite, but jealousy, but your own insecurities. Why should I face it again, after fighting it for so long, fighting who and what I couldn't control? The best thing for me now is to turn my back on you. The storm can follow me, destroying everything beautiful around it, but it cannot wrap around me, jump ahead of my path. My head held high, and my heart built with pure gold, nothing will hurt me. I welcome everything you aim at my name, because I know in the end. I know the truth, I know who I am. Nothing will take this from me.

Your fears are not my problem. The almost stalkerish need to be me, to have everything I've had, it does nothing but disgust me. Youre the reason my spine curls, the reason I tense up, the reason I become nasueated at the hint of your exsistance. Your life, is of no importance to me. Bitch and moan and try desperatly to grasp my attention, it won't work. I've fallen one to many times for this act and I realize now that I'm above this. I'm above your quaint remarks, pathetic attempts at hurting me.

You will, ALWAYS, be one step behind.