shit.

Trapped Under Ice keeps me company when I am disappointed in every soul on this planet.

What the fuck happened to you guys.

I want to drown you

in kisses. I want you to feel like the whole world is at your fingertips while you rest in my arms. I want our heartbeats to sync and our breathing to slow. You brush against my surface and I shiver at the slightest shift of the bed we share. I want to hold your face in my hands and melt away every insecurity you could ever conjure up in that messed up head of yours. I'll be your beams of support as you finally find your ground. When I'm away I hope I linger in your heart, I hope your lips remember mine. I will never control you or take you away from what you truly want, but I will take your hand and face it with you when you need it. I don't need you, and you don't need me. I don't lust after you and you don't lust after me. This is a want for love and a love for wants.





you better fill this position.

suffocate.

I will stick to this until my immunity is back and running. I'll suffocate these constant questions with a good book and a soothing cup of tea.
I'll be content with Have Heart screaming in my ears while I float away in hundreds of words, forgetting the last few weeks. Forgetting the last few wishful thoughts and hopes.

Goodnight, sweet dreams.
Time to rest my brain for a week of make up work.
ssssdfklj;jfkla;sjfl;sa

Words with empty meanings are caving in around me. My conscious can lie to me with the same ease as anyone else. I keep telling myself that this is what I want, that you're everything I want. But a stone weighs down my ribs, pulling me deeper into the ground. My roots are fighting through the toughest earth, never letting me free. I'm stuck here, I can't get out of this. I can't get out of this feeling that's taking over every part of me. Should I defy myself, and cut through the roots planting me here in this god forsaken place, or should I just let it be.
I'll take the chance.
I'll saw through anything that tries to trap me, that tries to bring me down with the rest of them.
I'll fight this all, I've been on my own since day one. Just because I let myself get caught up in wishful thinking doesn't mean I can't go back.
Become the person I aspire to be.
Become the person I aspire to be.
Become the person I aspire to be.

Never needing anyone, always finding the beauty in fucking everything my eyes can reach. Finding my own way, creating the new path once I get there. Weeding out all these stupid insecurities and all these stupid second guesses. It's not even like my insecurities are about my looks, or my personality or whatever stupid body related topic. I'm just anxious as to how my future is going to be. Who I'll be, where I'll be, who I'll be with. It's all exciting and shit, but I just wish I could see if i end up happy.
I guess I'm glad no one reads this. It means I can say anything and vent, get all this stuff out of my head, without worrying if my grammar is good or not.
UGH.


I got sent home early today from work, which I assumed would never happen, but it did. I was so relieved, but now I'm kind of wishing I stuck it out and distracted myself from these 20943029 other thoughts. Whatever, I'm glad that it means I can't give whatever this is to anyone else. I'd hate myself if I gave it to another person, I hate this sickness.
My ear hurts so bad. I couldn't even do the normal Friday sleepover's because it was so unbearable. I'm coughing up my life every god damn second. I haven't been this sick since I was like, 7. Maybe I should just go to Urgent Care.

...But I really don't want to get up and stop listening to Rebuild. I miss Verse so much.

sick.

100.2 temperature.
ouch

I get caught up in the shuffle of excitement. Thoughts rush my brain and it all collides into one giant cloud. I'm craving something, an idea of something. I know what it is but I'm too shy to say. My tongue is trapped between my teeth, I refuse to speak of it. Though I'm sure you can read it in my face. I desire my own pavement to cross. One I build block by block in my own time, with my own happiness and satisfaction. Every mile is cause for celebration, because I've made it this far alone. I don't feel attached to a soul except my own. I follow my hearts desire, and I take it all in with my eyes. I'll tell you a story with the shadows of brown dancing underneath these lashes. You can take me as you wish, what you want to believe is what you'll see as the truth. Make your move, because I'm taking the first steps of mine. Chase me.







It'll be worth every dream you've ever sculpted.

I will make my own way. I'll build my world from the ground up with no one's help. This is my fight and I'll get everything I've ever wanted, fuck this waiting game.

good luck.

All we do is live in fear. You can say you don't but you do.
The reason we build our confidence so tall is fear of judgments.
The reason we have guards is fear of being hurt.
The reason we succeed is because of our fear to lose.
The reason we point out flaws in people is because we fear they'll see ours.
The reason we have hope is backed by fear that things might not get better.
The reason we build any sort of connection with a person is because we fear being alone.
I don't want to be afraid anymore.
I don't want anyone to be afraid.
Breathe in so deeply, take in all this and let it filter through your lungs, some flowing into your heart. And with it you'll drive out the exhale combing through your mind taking out all the insecurities and fears with it. Everything is okay, just learn to love again.
Let go, put down your fists and fight with trust. Trust that everything that's meant to be will be, and no matter what kind of ache the world inflicts, you'll still be taking a lesson out of it. Tears and smiles are naturally part of life, accept it and you can fly free.

quick rant.

I need to get this out of my fucking system.

I love being straight edge. I love my life, I love the label, I love everything about it. It's almost guaranteed trust and it's fucking perfect.
Everyone keeps telling me I won't last, or that it's wrong of me to want to be labeled, why do you care so much? (Casey Jones would be a perfect theme for this). If I'm happy why the fuck does anyone care. Shouldn't you respect me if I respect you. I don't talk down about the way you live your life, I don't tell you how to live or what you should do, or believe in. Do the same for me for God sakes. Even if you don't agree, keep it to yourself. Life is hard enough as it is, don't add to it.

And whatever happend to the golden rule we all learned in Kindergarden? "Treat others the way you'd like to be treated," no one does this anymore. I treat everyone kindly and get stepped on in return. I guess I'm a pushover because the only thing I do is bl0o0ogg about it, I don't like yelling at people or saying anything to them because I don't want them to hurt. I put people on pedestals so much, when is it my turn? I only have myself, I should've remembered that. I always hope, and it messes with my judgment terribly. ugh.


I actually feel better.
It's a bad idea to repress all this anger and pain and stress. So writing it down makes it so much easier. My best friend lives in cobleskill and she's the only one I can talk to about anything.

"Ambitions fail, complications hail all when
my insecurities all fucking prevail.
do i turn to a drink or into what i really wanna be?
is a substance gonna be the crutch thats gonna
set me fucking free?
the pressure rises and i feel the strain
the doubt begins and confusions reign
directionless where do i turn
don't fail me now the one thing that i've learned...
i've learned the strength to fucking push it aside
we know, we know i got the strength inside
you know i got it and i know it so i'll show it
to live, with pain...the choice is in my hands
thats just an anchor that'll drown you man
we know, we know you got the strength inside
to defeat the problems of our lives
without, the "crutch" ...cause we all know
life is hard enough as it is. "

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.


Don't flatter yourself, you're just as bad as them.

oh distractions.

I should be doing my paper.
Not this.
bahaha dork.

IN LOVE

frozen.

My mind swirls with thoughts like an unforgivable storm. I am an over thinker, an over dreamer. I question everything that's placed in front of me, as well as every person. I sincerely don't mean too, it's just safer for me this way. It's far easier for me to wonder than to just automatically invite people in through the steel doors surrounding my heart. We've all gotten burned, we've all gotten scared from past relationships. Friends, lovers, what have you. We always move on after the healing period, but there is, for some, that nagging voice in the back of our minds that investigates absolutely intention. I am so much better than I was three years ago, and I hate myself for letting it intrude the most important parts of my life. I'm so disappointed that I let it seep through. I didn't mean to hurt anyone with it, or annoy a person in any way shape or form. It's my only flaw, and I feel like that being said the ones who matter would or should accept me for all I am. Because I do that for everyone else, no matter what imperfections they have I always adore them. Whatever though, I'm taking the advice of all my friends. Just let go.
It's easier said than done, but I've gone through harder shit than this, I should be able to ward off all these god damn thoughts.

Apart from that, I am freezing. My hands are like ice climbing across this keyboard. I had a really good day today with Amanda, I wish she didn't have to go back to Cobleskill tomorrow. She always makes me feel better and talks me out of all this stupid shit I think about. I gotta learn to do it on my own. I think distractions are in order, anything from friends, to tea, to a book. I'll figure this shit out.
I want to speak french again. I want to go to Ireland and see the lands and the people. I want to feel all the chaos that was living there until recently, or just see what it's after effects are like. It's so interesting, and it's so beautiful. I think I just want to travel the world and see all these places before I die. What's more cooler than a world road trip? NOTHING. It'd be so sweet to just go anywhere without worrying and take in all the culture and history. I'm so excited to start my life.

MOTIVATION FOR NOT SKIPPING CLASS: a Subaru WRX sportswagon, for when I'm all done and graduated and have a kick ass job as a College Professor.
WHATTTTUPPP FUTURE.

Bourne series cheers me up.

I don't want to be afraid anymore.
I constantly talk in circles on this thing.
Maybe it's just easier for me to calm the thoughts in my head. A way of coping with all this bullshit my mind creates. I over think, I'm too much of a dreamer, and I'm a hopeless romantic.
god. damn.

Why the fuck did the world have to put me through all this bullshit.
Yeah sure I've got a heart of gold, and yeah I'm always optmistic and keeping hope, but couldn't that be enough? Why did I need to have this overthinking agitating my brain constantly.
UGH.
so frustrating.

whatever, I need to just go with the flow.
Just relax.
Just relax.
Just relax.
let go, and breathe.

SO HAPPY.

I feel so enlightened. I NEED TO MAKE THIS LAST.

:)