Tuesday, December 30, 2008

oh, brain.

i'm always screwing something up, whether it be a friendship or a simple grilled cheese sandwhich. i know in my heart that i am not ready. because my past has proven this so countless times. in my mind i feel like im completely over it, i felt alone far before it ever ended. I cried every night for at least 3 months, because of this one person, who thought i was being stupid. that right there, thats me still holding onto the past, and i need to let go. he fucked up, he lost something good, and he'll be alone and regretting the way he treated me, regretting losing me. look, im doing it again. stop brainpeice! I do love this one, certain person. so much, and losing him as my friend is the scariest thing i could ever think of. and he's so perfect, his heart amazes me, he has the CUTEST laugh i think i've ever heard in my entire exsistance. he made me listen to "hear you breathe," and that is my song. totally. I'm just scared that if i do fall IN love with him, and we do become something more than friends, then i'll totally ruin it, but he's so confident in me. and i guess having so much faith from someone in me, when i don't even have faith in myself is what scares me most. this boy, this perfection i have in my life right now, is so untouchable, literally. hes 3000 miles away, and he swears to wait for me until i can be with him. but i don't want to wait, i wish i could right now so i could just stop all this thinking and have fun. he's my comfort, my support system, and my very best friend, i just don't want to ruin it with a relationship, one that he wants so badly. i do to, don't get me wrong, i would love to be with him as more than a friend, hes the boy every girl dreams to have, funny, smart, cute, calls me a bitch in a nice way, i love it. plus...im pretty sure he has a nice bod ahh! hehe. slut. whatever. i'm over analyzing just like i always do, i still have at least 6 months before i can move out there, and so he and i have to put relationship dreams on hold, i'm positive in that time frame i can totally move on from my last break up, and get over my past. like the song says, "taught me to forget my past and look into your eyes to see the truth." i'll be doing that soon, i promise ju ju bean. I do love you, but i dont want to lose our friend ship ever! youre too too too too too important, youre THAT important to me that i care this much. i've never thought over anything this intense before...so be honored ammorrican. i'm crossing my fingers this blog won't fuck me over and ruin everything between us. I wish i could muster up the courage to tell him im not ready, that i just want friendship for now.

this is all about the grilled cheese sandwhich i swear.

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