Sunday, May 3, 2009

my titles are most misleading.

Every night I lay awake hoping that this time, this time maybe I can get a full 8 hours in.

I can't find peace in myself to sleep. I woke up this morning, my eyes were so heavy. I hardly recognized myself at first. It's not even like there's anything wrong, I'm just constantly thinking. Always thinking. I just want to stop, and relax. Just breathe, even if it's only for a moment. Yesterday as I was waiting for Amanda, I started thinking about everything from the crack in the sidewalk to the fact that most homes in Britain are so crammed together, and that I wonder if I could ever be comfortable being so close. So close that the neighbors would scream at me for the speakers being so loud, blowing out their eardrums and mine. I feel like the universe is slapping me in the face every time I see an adorable pair of hands being held. It's been so long since I've held hands with someone. And I feel so redundant, because most of the posts on this go right back to having someone to care about.
It's not that I need someone. You can never need, or depend, or center on anyone. That would be an easy way to lose yourself, and everything "unique" about you. I could never do that again. I refuse to depend on any person other than me. I did it ONCE, and that was perhaps the biggest mistake I could have ever made. I built up what I thought was close to perfection, just to fall flat on my face. He found someone he thought was better and left. As cruel as it sounds, the satisfaction that the girl he left me for cheats on him on an hourly basis, makes it so much better. I was perfect. I did everything right, but he couldn't handle a real, genuine, beautiful girl.
But on the upside, she did me a favor, at least I found out who he was then before I spent more precious hours of my life to be wasted on him.
I think simplicity is amazing. That being said, All I want, is a boy to laugh with. To talk about anything and everything with no pauses in between. I want to kiss him whenever I please, regardless of who may be near. I want to wake in their arms to the light pouring down onto us through the window.

I've found my independence. Now I want to find a boy to be independent with.
Make sense?
Figure it.

Apart from that, I'm swamped with paperwork and forms to fill out. I need to get on that soon.
I'm going to write myself a set of goals. Starting out small, and then working my way up from that.
I need to refocus.

1 comment:

  1. I'm ALWAYS thinking. I guess life is more difficult for those who have real things on their mind.