Friday, May 1, 2009

my leg is asleep, i'm losing weight and i'm drinking tea.

I had to listen to a girl today whose deepest conversation of her life was whether or not she should put her hair up or down for prom.

All day long I'm surrounded by narcassistic, yet insecure douchebags. I always feel them glaring at me, I bet they can see right into my soul. hah.

In xp class I was reading the bio of Mike Giant, and the only thing I could hear was the constant jabber of "drama" that seems to be coursing through the school. Some girl slept with some guy that wasn't supposed to be slept with. Another girl talked shit about a girl that she obviously shouldn't have talked shit about. The same bullshit that I've heard since 7th grade. This girl asked for my opinion and the only thing I said was "It won't matter in two months, save your breath and just don't worry about it. It's just sociopathic bull."
She wasn't happy with my answer. I think she wanted me to verbally tag team this girl she was talking about, but I ain't down to fuck around.
I mean really girls, really?

Doesn't being catty ever get old? Doesn't it get boring to just talk about people in the worst ways possible, just to gain attention from people? Why can't you obtain it in other ways, that actually benefit you, other than giving you the name "loud-mouthed bitch."

I missed out on all the "fun" I guess. I was too busy being forced to grow up.I'm 17, and I feel like I've lived the longest life ever. I pay my parents rent. I buy my own groceries, I have to find my own ways around because I can't depend on my parents, and I always feel so low asking my friends. I get guilted into babysitting for endless hours because of the shit that happend to my sister. Who is having another baby today. Which is another guilt trip I'll be on. But he's going to be such a gorgeous little baby.
I have to lock my bedroom door like I'm leaving some kind of apartment, because my sister steals 200 dollars, cameras, debit cards, clothes. It's so frustrating. All the shit that happens though, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I had a conversation with my friend danny about that last night. "the world is shit, and theres nothing you can do about it." He's right, but I think I'm right too.
Despite my nowhere-to-be-found drug addict dad, my missing little sister, my late friends, I don't think I'd want anyone else's life.This is mine, and I can make it into what I want.I choose to find the beauty in these situations. Straight Edge came from my family, Standing up for what I believe in, never faultering, that comes from my late friends.
I miss david and alex.
I wish they were still here to see how good I turned out.

I can't wait to get out of this city.
I can't wait to fall in love again.
I can't wait to kiss someone who cares about me.
I can't wait to cuddle with a boy again.
I can't wait to go to Dublin.
I can't wait to go to this party this weekend.
and I can't wait to show the world everything I've got.

These things will happen, I know it.

1 comment:

  1. never feel low cause all the life experiences you are going through now are helping you get ready to be on your own and you'll know how to do that better then anyone else. You are going to be sooooooo successful its going to make everyone jealous and Dublin is by far one of the most beautiful cities in the world!
    love ya.