My romance driven self repels a lot of nice things. It's really quite stupid, I find something I like and then conjure up stupid dreams about it. I get dreamy eyed and amorous. I charm my logicality until it stops fighting me and becomes swept away into all this nonsense. I realized as I was typing this that fairytale love stories don't exist. And even if they did, life would never allow "...And they lived happily ever after." There's far too many malicious viruses and cruel diseases that people inflict on one another. It's so hard for me to accept that there are people who exist, who are so stone hearted that they bring down anyone who shows even a glimpse of happiness. I think that's why I get so worked up, because I am totally and utterly naive to the idea that this is reality. I was also stupid to think that this innocent childlike side of me could ever help spawn adult relationships. I bet I come off to people as love hungry, mixed up and too much.
I'm just passion starved. I'm just full of a heavy heart and I carry a secret regret that is hard for everyone to understand. I am mixed up in my memories, I sometimes find myself thinking about what I could have done to change it. And I KNOW it's stupid and a waste of time, but I'm still trying to figure out how put it behind me. You won't understand until you've walked through my shoes. Ever since my dad left me I've been alone, and I think I've done a fucking fantastic job raising myself. I'm much too mature I think, I never had a chance to imagine as a kid. So I make up for it with wishful hopeless romantic dreams. I just want to feel complete I guess. And I am going to start filling the void with love for myself, and I won't keep looking to other people to help me. I think I should start reading more books, and going more places, exploring more land, cover more ground. Maybe it could help set me free from this prison of thoughts.
eff this overthinking shit. It get's too old, and I think I'm the only person who thinks into things THIS much.
Nah..you're not the only one. Well said.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to this a great deal. I think into things too! It's comfortable knowing other people do, just what you said earlier. I don't actually think most people mean to do harm, but there are certain mentalities that must go!
ReplyDeleteI think you should fill that void with what you already have. Look around and see how lucky you truly are. It shouldn't be that difficult. You have so much going for you.