I can feel words forming with all of the little cells in my blood, flowing and ebbing through my body, but they get lost somewhere in my veins. Somewhere in the clutter of hope, they get stuck. I'm betting they're in my lungs, building a clot until I can never speak again. I want to force them out, even if these words are rolling down my cheeks in a stream of salt, staining my face. I don't care I just want this void to stop growing, I don't want to feel this way - apathy, hopelessness, whatever it is I just need to get it out. I have to write it until my fingers curl with pain, until my eyes weigh heavy with sleep. I just need to find this peace of mind. There are two minds in me, the one with wits, safe under my skull, and the one my heart has secretly been growing, cultivating a war between my logic and my hopes. I'm the queen of wishful thinking, no doubt about that. I'm probably crazy.
frig.
I just need a good sigh, I just need too exhale all these worries and build my stable ground.
I don't want to depend on anyone anymore. I've come to understand, especially these past weeks, that what I wanted could be more of a headache then anything else.
I'm not searching, rather I'll just move about with my life, putting the pieces of myself back together, sorting out my past to create my future. I really honestly do want to end up in Boston, a bay window overlooking the city, leaning on the molding, hands wrapped tightly around a coffee mug and a glance back to see whoever plato's intended "other half" snoozing on a bed or something.
bleeeeeh.
I contradict myself don't I?
I need to sleep, 8 a.m. classes means 6 a.m. bus rides.
Quite honestly, the parallels I can draw between your thoughts and mine is kind of interesting. Contradiction is a normal human emotion. It's some weird hardwired instinct for example to make fun of some random guy for doing something when you yourself deal in the same bad traits. I've done it. I think I do it out of a process of taking in others hate and expelling it out of me in less than constructive ways.
ReplyDeleteDon't search. Searching doesn't end in anything too good. The ONLY thing you can do is work on the person you are in the mean time. Regardless that should be done first and foremost. Self reflection is the number one tool to better understand who you are and how to make yourself better; and to learn about other peoples emotions and how they interact with your own.
And fool, Boston is my dream too. I ache for that life so strongly as much as you do.