It has been much too long.

I'm feeling more and more optimistic about my life. Still as guarded as ever, I'm trying to take the walls down slowly, piece by piece, day by day. I'm so terrified.

There is a bitter breed
Oh sweetheart
They will be watching you sometimes
With their bitter hearts

But we went through with these
Oh we're shifting the heartache
We want strong summer love that must roam washed up blood
Just to stay away

Complex salacious removal
Complex salacious removal

Complex salacious removal

I have been awake since 6:54 am yesterday.

I am sitting in Kristen's room with Jesus, listening in on their criticism about how retarded the people are in the movie Scream.

I feel so hopeful, so full of excitement, though I haven't slept normally in days.
My body is warm, and eyes are heavy, I'm surrounded by good people every day. The ice that was starting to fill my blood has just dispersed into a thousand unrecognizable particles. Changing and rearranging into something better.
My life is moving forward, I'm so so so excited.
I'm also so so so exhausted.

smile plastered on my face

every time i listen to this.

fuck yeah my life rules.
I got a job.
and rediscovered my roots.
SWEETNESS.

nyc prep

"New York City kids grow up faster than normal kids."

HAH.
I l-0-l-ed at that.


You have money, and you live in a huge bustling city. So does that make you more mature?
No.
I'd be surprised if you weren't corrupt, greedy, or arrogant.
OH WAIT.
It's funny when the worst thing to happen to these girls is that their friends have the same marc jacobs bag as them.

lion heart.

I am the caged animal. Living in routine. Wake to eat, eat to sleep, an endless cycle. I am oblivious to the walls I am trapped behind. Given a peice of tapestry forged as my "home," I fall into keepers kind tones, I do not fear anything. Everything is thrown to me, there is no hunt, there is no chase. I do not understand that I have been tamed. I've forgotten that my spirit has been broken. I've forgotten my true nature. The ferocious fire that once burned a hole in the skin of those that dared line their sights with mine, has died down. The smoke has cleared and there is nothing but an empty allusion of what should be. I remember the epiphany, Gazing up from the green island of grass that I thought to be the world, up into the eyes of tens, maybe hundreds of some elevated speices. I hadn't noticed the confinment of my life. Trapped, closed in, locked away from the rest of the world. My own emerald isle surrounded by the ocean of concrete. I suddenly felt rage. Starting out as a flicker in my eyes it sent a frenzy chasing curiousity through my blood. Ticking in my stomach was a fear. A fear that I had lost my true sense of self. I had no threats, no enemies, no rivals, I had nothing. This void, caused vulnerability inside. Had I been so naive to believe that this was what life was? That it could be simply this easy? I was a baby, nursing blind to a facade. Mother nature had come and gone as quickly as these tourists. Head lowered, shoulders rolled back, I planned. Planned my escape, a new journey. I was to tread the broken ground alone, staggering over boulders and dirt until I found a pride to call my own. Predator of the predators, I was about to impact more lives than my own. Fixated on freedom, thirsting for peripatetic living, I steadied my focus and with upmost intensity began my new adventure. Destroying those holding me back with vigorous passion, my innocense has been lost. Feel my intensity, my perseverance. I will create a new island, one that stretches to every horizion ever noted. What I see is mine for the taking, I will overpower every peice of life that trys to steal this from me. They've had their time, now is mine.

sleepless in new york.

The sky has moved from a swirling combination of pinks and oranges, to a deep blue. The lights of this city are hiding the stars, they refuse to peak their faces out of the dark. I'm longing for the moons company, I feel a sleepless night coming. My sleepy eyes beg for rest, my bitter heart longs for a sweet cure. I will purge my thoughts, ridding my mind of every useless and hopeless conviction. I'm chasing my own love, aching passionatly for my own acception. I won't fully abandon my hope for a boy to hold me at night, but I'll charm my thoughts away from it as much as I can. I feel like a broken record, always repeating the same subject, the same dreams and hopes. I can't help it though, I am a natural born cuddler, born to love.
I feel so anxious, theres a storm of emotions in my stomach and I can acknowledge all but one. It's a mixture of nervousness, stupidity, and longing. Fuck, I just want to laugh with someone. I don't want a serious scary thing, just a relationship with someone who can be my friend and my lover all in one.

College is next month, I get to be thrown back into the freshmen year all over again. Though this time around I'm hopeing people actually have brains. The immaturatiy in that which was high school reeked. It was the most annoying thing I think I've ever expeirenced in my entire life. I can't wait to learn more about my major, and meet new people. Even though I'm redic. shy. I wish it was simpler than this. I wish being shy wasn't such a bad thing. More importantly, I can't wait to get my own apartment and car, and start paying off my loans ASAP.
:/



I just want to climb the tallest mountain and yell at the top of my lungs.