your eyes tell me another story.

Is it possible for people to truly change?
To take a persons' past, full of bizzare fuckery, and turn it completely around. Change their lives, make something of themselves?
I've found myself completely contradicted. My mind wants more than my heart can handle.
I am not a bandaid, I cannot fix you. I can give you guidance, and I can support you, but it's up to you to change, not through force.

I can't trust you.
I can't trust anyone.
I can only trust myself, and I think that's such a sad way to live. All of us just run around leading our own parades, but when they intersect, havoc is set loose to destroy.
It's sad we can't trust anyone, it's sad people are so self-centered, but more and more I'm finding its the only way to live.

Straying away from that topic...
I talked to this "player" the other night, and he was just blabbing about his, let's say, relations with all 14 girls hes slept with. He told me how long it took to get them into bed, most of which under a half hour, and I screamed at him. I hate talking about sluts, I hate thinking about sluts, I just hate fucking sluts. I told him that I would never respect a bitch that doesn't respect herself, If you don't have a fucking brain, or any sense of dignity GET THE FUCK OUT. You're a worthless tool, and I will have nothing to do with you.
He defended them. I got mad.
He basks in this glory that hes had so many girls, but we'll see where you are in 10 years when the game gets old and you've fucked everyone in town.
alone.
no hands to hold,
no face to wake too.
nothing.
silence, emptyness, secluded from something real.
haha.

It is not the same.

You can't trust anyone.


I'm so distressed. dishevled. destroyed.
I want to crawl out of this broken mess and find a new light. Gather up the strength to run and begin again. I want to breathe deeply, lightly, easily.


"Don't take life too seriously, or you'll never make it out alive."

fuck. I take everything seriously. even this crummy situation I find myself in.
YOU'VE TAINTED EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE.
get off your back please, and quit bitching about a reputation you brought upon yourself.
it's one thing if two people say you're a slut, but it's another if the whole fucking city calls you a slut.
I wish I could trust you. I wish you were like the person i knew 4 years ago.
How did everything get so fucked up?
What happend to you?
Wheres your family loyalty?
Why don't you care? about anyone?
dfjasklfjas;

i hate this.

sleep tight.

its raining right now.

I reccomend the chesapeak catch from Ruby Tuesday's.
and fyi, annoying things to me are:

1. irrelevance.
2. stupidity.
3. superficial people.
4. pity.
5. underestimation
6. the fact that dignity doesn't exsist amoung anyone anymore.
7. gossip.
8. "drama."
9. when people, especially girls, FREAK OUT if you don't text them or call them back within two seconds.
10. overthinking.
11. mind games.
12. being shy.
13. smelly people.
14. economics and government.
15. bro's.
16. when my room is messy.
17. judgemental people.
18. bad music.
19. being hot.
20. feet.
21. when guys call me "pet names" and we aren't dating. It's not cute, you're trying to hard.
22. When I write something on this and someone takes it as a personal attack. like the above, it's not directed at any individual, it's just in general. don't get your panties in a bunch boys.
23. when people don't respect me, and think that just because i'm pretty must mean i'm dumb.
though i love surprising them by tearing up their 3rd grade vocabulary and throwing "big words" at them.
24. THEY, THEY'RE, THEIR. Please do your best and use them in the correct form.
25. People who butcher the english language.
26. "lol" "lolz" "l0o0ls" "rofl" "lmao." you're not laughing that hard, and there are no zeros in a word. I can't stand people who are legit about it. Like, thats how they talk on a daily basis.
27. Best Friends who say distance won't ruin anything, and they let it happen.


theres a ton more. But i don't want to come off like a life loathing bitch.
so..here are things i love:

1. anchors
2. ships, or anything to do with sailor stories, etc.
3. sailor jerry tattoo flash.
4. mike giant tattoo, graffiti and fine art flash.
5. kisses on the forehead.
6. the smell of rain.
7. acceptance.
8. under the covers.
9. when the sun wakes me up.
10. laughing.
11. booty shakes from flavour cafe'.
12. my body.
13. reading a new book.
14. the complexity of the mind.
15. good music.
16. passion.
17. cuddleing, snuggling, being close to another person.
18. best friends who actually do stay around.
19. driving/road trips.
20. monogamy.
21. cooking and baking.
22. long walks.
23. dreaming big.
24. holding hands.
25. feeling everything.
26. taking my vitamins!

I have a lot more of shit that makes me happy.
but typing it out for strangers to see takes too long, so you'd have to get to know me.

oh, and also.

I AM NOT DISPOSABLE.

Don't treat me like I am.
Don't take me for granted,
Don't underestimate me.

I fucking hate being treated like this. Don't text me, or call me, or whatever only when it's good for "you."

You don't deserve me, and you are NOT worth my time.
get the fuck off your high horse.


guys are jerks.
end.

Senior 09

DONE.

Today was my last final.
I'm offically done with high school.

I'll miss everyone, so much though.

typ

You're a dream away now.
Never in my thoughts during daylight, or when I rest my eyes at night.



I'm so relieved.




Finally.