There are worse things than
being alone
but it often takes decades
to realize this
and most often
when you do
it’s too late
and there’s nothing worse
than
too late.

Oh Yes by Charles Bukowski

I have made up my mind now to be a Sailor's wife,
To have a purse full of money and a very easy life,
For a clever sailor husband is so seldom at his home,
That his wife can spend the dollars with a will that's all her own,
Then I'll haste to wed a sailor, and send him off to sea,
For a life of independence is the pleasant life for me,
But every now and then I shall like to see his face,
For it always seemes to me to beam with manly grace,
With his brow so nobly open, and his dark and kindly eye,
Oh my heart beats fondly towards him whenever he is nigh,
But when he says Goodbye my love, I'm off across the sea
First I cry for his departure, then laugh because I'm free,
Yet I'll welcome him most gladly, whenever he returnes
And share with him so cheerfully all the money that he earns
For he's a loving Husband, though he leads a roving life
And well I know how good it is to be a Sailor's Wife.

ruin everything.

I wish muh black book was small enough for my purse.
raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

butter me queasy

anxious
questionable
exhausted
hateful
disgusted
messy
incomplete
sad

mental health day.

I have such a fucking headache, my stomach is tied in knot after knot after knot.
I get mad at other people when I should get mad at me, I fucking mess up and I am the one who puts up with everything.
When did I become such a loser?

I like am beginning to become annoyed with myself and all the little things I do, and all my justifications for them. I can think that play should be more important than play, but I'm stuck in this dream world when I need to be sucked back into reality. I can live reality and still hold my ideals that people are more important than work, and I can find my happiness in everything else if I want.
I don't know what I'm trying to say.
My childish ways and my avoidance of responsibility are a means to an end. I have to grow up. No more stupidity.

But I am going to start growing a god damn back bone.