FTW or fuck the cycle?

I am guarded because of being hurt. An obvious and sympathetic statement among most I'm sure. I started out innocent, in love with love, and so naive to the world's ugly side. It unmasked its shame through the years, carving away the beauty and purity I always thought it had. I've been left broken and teary eyed several times, and all because of my ability to have heart. I can't explain what I want too right now, I'm at a loss for words. I used to walk with hate, rage flowing through every part of my body, straight through my heart and out through my lungs. I created a barrier with it, building a steel wall before me. I was untouchable in the worst way, I was cold, confused, hurt and filled with a soft sorrow. A disappointment, really. I'm just now trying to find the gold again. Retrace the past back to my innocent roots. Back to loving love, and not being afraid anymore. It's so hard, it's so unbelievably hard.
but all those kids who preach hate, stop. You're adding to the problem. You clearly don't understand the power of your words, of your thoughts. It spreads like venom, seeping into all of humanity. We're losing this war between good and bad I think, we're letting our hate get the best of us. Sounding completely hypocritical I'm sure; but we need to let go. Stop being afraid. Stop being so guarded. "Break the cycle, of breaking people." I don't want to hurt anymore.
I'm going to take these steal boxes down one by one, slowly but surely I can be free again.

"I never felt the ache of being alone, never sensed an empty space inside myself. Never felt the urge to fill a void with the presence of someone else. But you uncovered a feeling inside of me, unfamiliar and unique. Created a vacancy within where one never used to be. Dear absentee, dear missing piece, I've missed you since the day we met. Dear truant friend, dear tune stuck in my head that i cant forget....a lost memory, an errant wish, you were a missing limb; every morning i had to wake up and realize you were gone all over again. An unfinished sentence, an interrupted thought, a name on the tip of my tongue. An unsent letter, an unopened book, a lyrics left unsung. Dear absentee, dear missing piece, I've missed you since the day we met. Dear truant friend, dear tune stuck in my head. Dear you....I've got these feelings inside, somehow i always knew you'd understand. they've been laying dormant for a lifetime. I'm waking up for the first time."

:)



I got this.

jfdkaljdfs;a!

I want to control these thoughts, these insecurities that paw at my brain. Every night I lay awake, short of breath, wide-eyed and restless. I count the beats between each thought. I'm so fucking nervous, and so fucking excited. ahhhhhhh!

It has been much too long.

I'm feeling more and more optimistic about my life. Still as guarded as ever, I'm trying to take the walls down slowly, piece by piece, day by day. I'm so terrified.

There is a bitter breed
Oh sweetheart
They will be watching you sometimes
With their bitter hearts

But we went through with these
Oh we're shifting the heartache
We want strong summer love that must roam washed up blood
Just to stay away

Complex salacious removal
Complex salacious removal

Complex salacious removal

I have been awake since 6:54 am yesterday.

I am sitting in Kristen's room with Jesus, listening in on their criticism about how retarded the people are in the movie Scream.

I feel so hopeful, so full of excitement, though I haven't slept normally in days.
My body is warm, and eyes are heavy, I'm surrounded by good people every day. The ice that was starting to fill my blood has just dispersed into a thousand unrecognizable particles. Changing and rearranging into something better.
My life is moving forward, I'm so so so excited.
I'm also so so so exhausted.