Tomorrow is almost here.

Today I bought a 1.5 liter of white tea with rasberry, I have found my new love.
I want to curl up with this drink on that couch reading a book with my puppy at my feet and my loved one by my side.

so happy.

Nothing will sink my ship.
Nothing will break me down.
My heart will steer me in the right direction.
My hope will halt the unforgiving waves.
This mind of mine will find the route to success.
This is me, This is life.

TYLER AND DILLON GET OFF MY BACK.

Transcendence:
A Found Poem

My life had felt like one long night.
It’s seven times cursed,
seven times sealed.
My dreams to dust,
just nocturnal silence
beneath a silent blue sky.
Deprived of the desire to live,
I can only hope
for my soul’s survival.

Stay Gold, Pony Boy.

For Nicolai & Diana: I love you, everything will be okay.

My life seems unbearable to other people who haven't gone through what I have. The ones blind to true loss. Death is awful to face, Especially when it's someone close to you lost. But what's worse than death is living with a ghost. Someone who isn't dead but sure as hell try to be. I hate who I'm apart of. I hate my father. Selfish and self-centered I hate who he is. They say he's sick, he's too lost in himself and his fucking drugs to do anything. I think that is complete and total bullshit. You look at the tattoo of your daughters names and you tell yourself its alright to keep doing what you do. Where is Diana? do you know? because i dont, and if i did you fucking know I'd take her. How can you stick a needle in your arm or smoke a rock and not regret not seeing your twin girls grow up into full hearted beautiful women? I can't see your face anymore, I don't remember you. I only remember seeing a pipe and a fist full of drugs infront of a blurry face. I remember being alone at 5 years old with a screaming baby not knowing what to do or who to call because you wanted to get high for a few hours. I remember a "dad" that was high on crack all day every day. I would hate to be you sober, I really would. But if there is anything i could ever appreciate out of you, it's leaving rather than staying, and it's diana. You gave me a beautiful and intelligent little sister. I wish you took better care of her, once I'm 18 I'm finding her and I'm taking her from this shithole. I don't want to be apart of you, but I am. So if you show up in court, don't expect a smile. You made my mom cry so many times, and you let me blame myself. You taught tonya everything, you used her for lies, drugs. Now where is she? shes recovering from the very drug you brought into our home. She let it overtake her and let her child fall for it. he's the sweetest most beautiful boy i've ever seen, and he's living in a nightmare. Luckly tonya is stronger than you were and is slowly, but surely recovering. His dad though, is a different story. I promise him that it will be okay for nicolai, and when he's old enough to fully understand i'll tell him what my mom told me; it isn't your fault.
As much as it is easy to hate you, I still feel somewhat guilty. I love you for leaving me, If you were still in my life it would have fucked me up worse than it did when i was a child.
When my uncle dave died, everything crumbled. He was the dad I hadn't had, and kaylee took it harder than anyone. I loved him and i feel so guilty for not mourning still. I love kaylee and I want to tell her we don't need to give guys a reason to stay anymore, we don't need to make them stay with us, they should WANT to be with us. Dad was a shitty story, we couldnt have made him stay with us no matter what we did, and uncle dave is still in your heart, he loved you more than anything. It hurts so much to see you act the way you do.
I feel stubborn, like I refuse to look at things through other people's eyes, and I really feel like it's stupid too. Even with kaylee, she's being stupid. The guy your with treats you like SHIT, and your willing to fuck your family over for him? No. I don't feel sorry for you, and I have no sympathy. It's stupid to love dad and it's stupid to be with a guy that treats you wrong. You deserve someone to love you and actually be there for you.
I see things so differently. I think that your weak if you use drugs, that you're a coward. You need fucking drugs to "solve" your problems? no. you're putting shit on hold, so you can either die or run away from the world. I think a god that lets people rape others as a lesson is noone to worship. I think the most valueable thing you can posses is your mind, and your heart. Keep your heart open and you can see the world. I love my life, and I love my friends. I love music I can relate too, I love straight edge because I know there are people who have gone through what I have. I don't think my life sucks because my dad sucks, I don't think living miserably over it is worth anything. I don't think crying does shit anymore, and I'm not going to waste my time worrying about peoples lives when they don't even care about themselves. I believe in myself, I believe in hope, and I believe in staying focused on the better things in life.

Straight edge is the only thing I can count on. The one thing that won't break. I will stand here with a heart thats pure and armed with a mind, and I'll take everything this shitty world throws at me and twist it back so fucking hard it'll knock you off your feet. Watch. Me. Rise.

If you think I'm annoying for sharing this, fuck you. The only reason I even talk about it is so I don't sit home and cry about it alone, so I can show people that drugs fuck more than the person that's doing it.

I hope whoever is reading this doesn't think i'm a total bitch, I just have alot of angst, and sortof rage built up from being a kid. I hate seeing my nephew go through what i did x2. I am a happy person, and I love life to the fullest, new things and new people excite me, Get to know me before you judge me.

first impressions are always vital.

meet my future. I am so excited to have an irish wolfhound. what what!
if it's a boy, i'm gunna name it patrick, if it's a girl, than i'll name it keeva.
:)!

im such a douchebag.

I'm drawing a blank. I know what I want to write, I just cant mend the words together to make it sound right. In six months, I'll be out of this house, of this city, of this state. 3,000 miles away from everything I know, everyone. I'm leaving my past, my regrets all behind. A new and exciting start. I'm not even sure what my future holds. It's a little like driving. When youre the passenger, and life is your driver. She's speeding, going 70 in a 30. and you're trying to keep your focus on one part of the view in front, but all the turns and shifts and swerves keep making you lose your point. So you're trying to stare at the future, trying to figure out what could possibly come next, and the car screams by the exit you should've taken. A little panic starts to creep up your spine, could we be lost now? are we ever going to make it home? the driver is calm while youre busy losing your mind. but there is always another exit, she says, always another way to find home. Life is full of twists and turns you should've taken, but its always building new roads to take. I want to discover and explore every single road. Yes, I'm nervous, I'll be on my own for real, for the first time. But i'm so excited to rise above every thing this cruel world throws at me. I'm excited to make something of myself, to show everyone nice kids DONT finish last.
California is a completly different everything. the people, the shows, the weather, just everything. I've got my best friend out there though, and I know he'll help me get my shit together, just enough push to get me out into the real world. I'm so happy I got jd to help me out, to motivate me. I feel like such a moocher, he's going to let me live with him right off the bat, and buy puppies! he's doing to much, i tell him this all the time but he's a stubborn little man. If you're reading this bean, then thank you, for the support and motivation, and help with everything. I can't wait to see you! My future thanks too.

My life. My choices. My happiness, it's all that matters.

legend.